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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I walk? Or am I being a tiny bit U?

16 replies

fedupandfifty · 04/04/2011 11:19

I am struggling with an uncommunicative partner and I'm at the end of my tether. Yesterday I received a bottle of Baileys and a card from DD. That was fine - didn't expect anything else. Then DP asks me if I would like my tea cooked - so i said OK although i wasn't bothered really. Came back from visiting a relative at about 4. At 6, still no sign of DP and DD, so texted. No answer. At 7, decided it was too late for tea anyway so rang. Turns out he's attended an impromtu barbecue and conveniently forgotten about the promise he'd made to me. We had a blazing row with me (as usual) effing and blinding and him behaving as if everything's ok. I know it sound trivial, but this is now the story of my life in terms of the way he treats me. He does not respect me, shows me no affection, sleeps in his own bedroom and ignores my (obvious!!) anger. I am at the point of walking as I am fed up with his attitude. This morning, he behaves as if nothing has happened, offers to make me a cup of tea and goes to work. He refuses to communicate and behaves as if it's ok to have no sex, to not apologise for letting me down, to live without any affection or mutual respect and then to make me feel as if I've made it all up. I cannot discuss these issues with him because he sort of blocks me out. I think I'm going mad!! What would you do, wise Mnetters? Am I being U?

OP posts:
louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:21

you need help with your anger

calm down

Earlybird · 04/04/2011 11:22

yanbu.

Tbh, based on the description of your life together, can't imagine why you'd stay.

HaggisNeepsnTatties · 04/04/2011 11:24

To be honest you sound a little bit moody, angry and "can't be bothered" with much. Perhaps he picks this up and reacts in the same way as you do. You also sound a tad ungrateful at the present you received from your DD.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 11:24

I have NEVER spoken to my husband the way you do, nor has he ever treated me the way yours does.

You guys need to have a serious chat about what you both want out of this relationship. Pronto!

louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:25

i wouldnt stay with someone who effed and blinded at me either, who "wasnt bothered" when i offered to do nice things and then got the hump when I went out, while they were out anyway

way too much hassle for me thanks

GloriaSmut · 04/04/2011 12:09

Your partner doesn't seem very "bothered" does he? But then reading your post I can see why. Somewhere along the line respect appears to have got lost in your relationship and I have to say, you do come across as very hard work!

djinnie · 04/04/2011 12:11

What you put into a relationship you will get out. If you were 'bothered', maybe DH would be.

AdamJSusan · 04/04/2011 12:15

Maybe he doesn't want to discuss anything because you would just fly off the handle.

nijinsky · 04/04/2011 12:15

YANBU. He sounds quite annoying. Going off to a BBQ on Mothers Day without inviting you, telling you where he is and forgetting a promise to you is selfish. I don't really believe in running around after men for a few crumbs of affection in return. I'd be thinking if I'd be better of being single than in such a relationship and IMHO if more women thought like this, there would be less badly behaved men around.

oldwomaninashoe · 04/04/2011 12:22

He asks you if you want your tea cooked? How can you criticise him for going off and getting involved in an impromtu BBQ, because you weren't "bothered"
You sound like hard work, try being a little less "cross" for a while you might start to enjoy life!

EvenLessNarkyPuffin · 04/04/2011 12:30

' We had a blazing row with me (as usual) effing and blinding and him behaving as if everything's ok.'

If you've been reduced to shouting and swearing at him on a regular basis, out of frustration and to try and get some reaction from him, I think that relationship counselling is the only route left to you.

You can't let the current situation continue with your DD living in the house.

Nyx · 04/04/2011 12:34

I think the reason the OP is angry and perhaps sounds like 'hard work' is because she is, as she states in her first sentence, at the end of her tether. I would be extremely hacked off if my DH treated me like that. I am presuming that the OP was not always this angry but the DH has been uncommunicative for a long time - and I don't know about anybody else but that is one thing that really riles me up.

glitteryturd · 04/04/2011 12:36

This sounds like my marriage lol! We don't have sex and have blazing rows all the time. And ok he has done some really awful things to make life bad in the first place, but I know I do speak to him like shit, cos sometimes I hate him without him opening his mouth. Now I know my relationship is far from ideal and we are working to a resolve, but what I am saying is that I have realised how I treat him and day on day it's not good.

Working out your own anger goes a long way because all it is doing is adding fuel to the fire. Men can't be bothered with rows and shouting so they ignore and that makes us worse. You need to learn to rise above the anger, the counting technique works for me. Before you say/shout something run it through your head. Ok he may not do this, but you doing this WILL cool the situ and make life better for yourself. You will find you can think a lot more clearly when you are calm.

I hope my experience helps in some way.

Original poster
fedupandfifty · 04/04/2011 17:08

Thanks all. I agree I am angry, but I wasn't always like this. I was extremely grateful for the present, and had absolutely no problem at all with him attending the bbq as I was already committed elsewhere. My point is that he did not come home from the bbq when he himself had promised to do tea. If he was enjoying himself at the barbie and did not want to come back, he could have texted or invited me over, rather than just leaving me not knowing at home expecting him back. That would have been fine. This is typical of the way he treats me, and I don't know what I have done to deserve it, frankly. I don't make demands on him and I have supported him and stood up for him through thick and thin. I feel I deserve some respect at least. The main problem, though, is that I don't feel I can address any of these issues because he is so unresponsive, and this is why I get so angry. I would like to know, glittery, how you deal with your anger and has it led to a better relationship for you? Thanks again.

OP posts:
Hassled · 04/04/2011 17:11

It doesn't sound like either of you respect the other - or even really like the other. But before you walk, you need to know you've done everything you can; woudl Relate be an option? You can go separately if together's not an option - might help to clarify things.

Original poster
fedupandfifty · 04/04/2011 17:18

Thanks, Hassled - I will try Relate.

OP posts:
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