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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit hurt?

27 replies

AbsDuCroissant · 04/04/2011 11:17

a bit of background, my immediate family and I moved from South Africa to the UK a number of years ago. Most of the extended family is still there.

Due to the distance and expense of going between the two countries, there isn't much travelling either way, but if someone comes over, we arrange a family gathering, overfeed them and take tons of photos. If one of us goes over there, we always make an effort to try and see as much of the extended family (so cousins, aunts, uncles) as we can, and are generally quite lovely.

So, today I was emailing my aunt over there back and forth about a cousin (not her child's) birthday, as I'm organising a family present. She comes out with "well, we may be able to bring it back from the UK and give it to her" to which I went Hmm someone's visiting? Then, next exchange, it turns out that her daughter's coming over on vacation with her husband, and then aunt says "I'll give you the address of the friend she's staying with, so you can post the present to her".

So, AIBU to be hurt that a) no one felt the need to tell us that a relative we care for but hardly ever see is coming over (first time she's come in about 10 years) and b) that there seems to be no intent whatsoever to see us while she's here?

OP posts:
Grabaspoon · 04/04/2011 11:19

Maybe she doesn't feel as close to you? Maybe she has lots of things planned and just can't fit you in?

YABU

diddl · 04/04/2011 11:22

I´m abroad & when I visit UK I´m not interested in family other than parents tbh.

FabbyChic · 04/04/2011 11:23

Same as Grabaspoon.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/04/2011 11:24

Me too diddl. I don't tend to go round visiting lots of people so I do think you are being slightly unreasonable. Sorry.

kreecherlivesupstairs · 04/04/2011 11:24

That was harsh, sorry, you ANBU to feel hurt.

louloudia · 04/04/2011 11:27

my parents in law visited UK and didnt even bother to tell us, let alone see their only grandkids, but I wasnt fussed to be honest

slightly irritated but not fussed :)

BlingLoving · 04/04/2011 11:28

YANBU. It's a bit strange if it's normal in your family for you all to meet up and make an effort when in town. And clearly you do communicate with these people etc, so I can see why you feel this way.

having said that, chalk this one up to experience would be my advice, and take them off the list of people who make an effort to see when you are in SA. In my experience, going back is often quite a traumatic and stressful experiece trying to see everyone so figuring out who you really want to see and who really wants to see you, is a good idea.

Same thing happened with my godparents. Turned out they came over here, where staying with their son, not that far away, but they didn't even suggest we met up. That was a few years ago. You won't be surprised to know that I no longer make any special effort to see them when I'm in SA.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 11:29

I am in the same boat as you. All my holidays are spent abroad (2 different countries) seeing family... haha

Sadly, I cannot always see some I wish to see, as there are just too many and tie often does not afford it (or distance). I also need some 'me and DH time' when on holiday. So I have undoubtedly caused hurt with the odd cousin/friend I am sure. Nothing I can do about that.

Perhaps she just hasn't got round to telling you yet? I would drop her an email and say you are aware she is coming over, would she like to get together.. put the ball in her court.

poopnscoop · 04/04/2011 11:31

True what bling says too... if people do not make the effort with you... don't make the effort for them when overseas either... rather spend extra time with those close to you.

People can be hurtful, often it is thoughtlessness and unintentional though. Jammer skat. Get that email off to her soon.

Original poster
AbsDuCroissant · 04/04/2011 11:35

She is totally off the list next time we visit.

Thanks for the other perspectives - I just found it a bit odd, as in general my family members make the effort to go and see people, it was the way I was raised (all holidays were spent with relatives, which I admit was a bit sucky, but it meant I had great relationships with them). And I live in Central London, it's hardly like she'd be trekking to the outer hebrides to have to visit but anyways.

Oh well, I'll know to not bother next time

OP posts:
Lucyinthepie · 04/04/2011 11:42

To be fair, you hardly ever see her, she may just not feel that close to you. Also, she might want to have come over for a holiday, see some sights, spend time with her close friend, rather than get into visiting relatives. I don't know, I can see what you mean, but many people would hate to spend "all holidays with relatives". You don't know how long she's over for, or what her plans are, maybe she feels she hasn't got time to visit you.

ShowOfHands · 04/04/2011 11:42

No yanbu to be hurt if the norm is to see lots of each other.

But if it's not the norm, I'd question what's actually happening. If she's coming, staying with a friend and has been very quiet about it (nobody else has mentioned it to you so it doesn't sound common knowledge), maybe they need the time alone together or with a friend who knows what's happening.

You just don't know. I like to think people aren't being deliberately rude and perhaps if it's somebody you know and love, there are reasons for their behaviour.

They might just want a holiday away from the family for once. Who knows?

I understand why you're hurt though.

bemybebe · 04/04/2011 11:50

YANBU
It is rude not to call and explain that although they will be in the country, they do not intend to visit you because they are too busy can't be arsed.

GloriaSmut · 04/04/2011 12:00

It's difficult if you feel left out of a family visit but actually, it can all get a bit oppressive, especially if people are travelling from such a long distance and don't have endless time at their disposal. So sometimes, a bit of rationalisation has to come into play.

I'm already rather dreading some of the obligations that'll come when I go to Australia and NZ in a few months. I'm really wanting to be reunited with ds1 and his gf and am also really looking forwards to seeing my three closest cousins. However, I also know I shall have to grin and bear the endless visits to the rest of a very extended family. All of these visits biting into the limited time I have with my nearest and dearest.

So YANBU to feel a bit pissed off but YABU to make an overly big thing out of it and start cutting people off your visiting list just to spite them.

Original poster
AbsDuCroissant · 04/04/2011 12:07

Well, she's not planning on seeing any of our family at all, no one. After ten years, not even for a minute. When I went over, I saw her and her husband briefly - my aunt arranged cake and stuff and had her DCs around, and DP and I went over to her house, saw them all for an hour or two and went off on our merry way.

But I totally get why people think I'm being unreasonable.

OP posts:
MorticiaAddams · 05/04/2011 01:28

I think YABU as there is so much rushing around and visiting people when visiting from abroad that it's not always enjoyable. Without meaning to be hurtful, a visit to you could mean the miss out on a friend who they are closer to but just happen not to be family.

whiteflame · 05/04/2011 06:17

i see where you're coming from OP.

i live overseas and do start to get annoyed when i visit Europe and everyone expects a personalised visit. i now tend to say 'i will be in place x at time y, if you would like to visit that would be lovely' (barring older relatives who can't drive for eg). If they don't drive for 30 mins to see me, when i have travelled across the globe, they don't want to see me. Simplifies things a bit..

Sounds like your cousin didn't even give you that opportunity though!

squeakytoy · 05/04/2011 07:12

Its a big country, and your cousin could be staying somewhere quite a distance from where you are perhaps?

Grabaspoon · 05/04/2011 08:51

We had the opposite post in AIBU the other day AIBU to not want to see my aunt/uncle when we go on holiday.

MmeLindt · 05/04/2011 08:56

Tbh, I can see her point.

I moved abroad (a long long time ago) and spent the first few years of home visits going from aunt to cousin to granny to another uncle. I got really fed up of it.

Now when we go home, I arrange a day out / night in a pub for anyone who wants to meet up.

I know that some of my family has been skiing in the Alps. Sometimes they visit us, sometimes they don't.

Northeastgirl · 05/04/2011 10:43

It's a shame if you feel that you've always made the effort but it's not mutual. Don't be too quick to write her off and refuse to ever see her again. That's just cutting your nose to spite your face. Agree a friendly email asking if you might be able to meet up for a coffee would be a good idea, but try not to lay on the guilt trip. If you put pressure on her to see you out of duty, you'll take the fun out of it. Handing over the present is a good excuse to see her face to face, to avoid paying for postage

Original poster
AbsDuCroissant · 05/04/2011 15:29

I'm back.

Right, so it turns out she's staying in the same CITY as me. DM spoke to my aunt a couple of months ago who said that a visit was a possibility, Mom said if my cousin wanted to she could stay with them etc. etc. aunt said she'd get back to us. Some of the family is far away, so I agree that it would be totally unreasonable to expect her to be traipsing off to deepest darkest Scotland to see them. But, for the rest of us, she' staying in London, I live in London, the rest are all a half our journey away.

I can understand not particularly wanting to go and visit relatives all holiday (it's what I spent my childhood doing) but:

  • this is the first time she's ever come to be on the same continent as us since we moved
  • she's not expresssed an interest in seeing any one of us (even saying "I'm going to be here at x date if you're free", which I'd totally understand, but nothing. Nadda. She is however, seeing her DH's family) and
  • in all honesty, if any of us tried this she and my aunt would unleash fifteen types of hell on us. Last time my brother was there he and his wife only went for dinner once at my aunt's place, and she complained saying it wasn't enough.

There's no visits (me to SA) on the cards for a while; I'll see how it plays out by then. When I spoke to my Mom yesterday she was very upset - she really makes an effort with my cousin, sending presents, congratulating her on wedding anniversaries, and being snubbed like this has hurt her a lot

OP posts:
Hullygully · 05/04/2011 15:34

she's just a bit horrid

HelloOutThere · 05/04/2011 15:41

so why is it then Abs? is your mum close enough to your aunt to ask her why no visits?

diddl · 05/04/2011 15:43

"Last time my brother was there he and his wife only went for dinner once at my aunt's place, and she complained saying it wasn't enough. "

Maybe she just doesn´t want to be so caught up with that side of the family anymore & with the above attitude, who can blame her?

My husband prefers spending time with my family to his own.