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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

to take away my depressed partners bank card?

24 replies

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:14

Normally, I would not contemplate such drastic and controlling measures.

However, he is spending money we cannot afford on things we do not need. I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face. I'm now paying off bank charges for him. My savings are being drained.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:17

how would he react to that?

is there no way you could transfer most of it elsewhere?

Original poster

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:19

He'd go ballistic but I can cope with that.

I'm considering getting him to abandon the idea of having a bank account at all.

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:20

violent do you think?

is he on medication for his depression?

BluddyMoFo · 03/04/2011 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:21

No, not violent.

Yes for all the bloody good it's doing.

OP posts:

cjdamoo · 03/04/2011 23:21

When my H was in the depths I had to restrict his access to our cash in the end as he would just spend everything. He agreed to hand over the card but then would tear the house apart to find it. In the end I transferred everything to another account and just transferred small amounts back as and when needed.

Not ideal but had to be done

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:23

crikey!! hope you find a solution to this,sounds horrific!

Original poster

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:24

I suppose it depends on how I "sell this". If I can convince him I'm doing him a favour by taking on the responsibility he may go for it...

OP posts:

cjdamoo · 03/04/2011 23:25

Oh and to agree with Mofo we do the same and it works bloody well.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 23:29

My mil is bi-polar. We regularly take control of her finances when she is in the depths of her illness. When's she ok, she thanks us for it. It's a good idea. And will help in the long run

1Catherine1 · 03/04/2011 23:32

My OH isn't depressed but I limit his access to cash as he often doesn't understand the actual financial situation we're in. All the Direct debits and bills are paid through my account. His money is paid into his account and then all but his monthly "spending money" is transferred to my account to cover the bills and other expenses. He is now trained to ask when he wants something outside of his "allowance" and usually he'll get it as the fact he has to ask me means he has to consider if it is something he really needs/wants before hand.

Original poster

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:32

And I was half expecting to be flamed for this idea...

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:36

lol,just shows you can't gauge how an AIBU will turn out...

Original poster

StuckinTheMiddlewithYou · 03/04/2011 23:40

Very true!

Those here who have done this: How did you approach it? I'm torn between just taking it and telling him what I've done and actually sitting down and discussing it.

OP posts:

Stac2011 · 03/04/2011 23:45

i deal with dp's bank account as he is crap with finances and it works for us. If you think your dp will go for it then its worth a try.

Stac2011 · 03/04/2011 23:49

Sorry x-post we discussed it first and spoke about how it would work for us. I pointed out we had a house to run and could'nt do it on just my wage. We make sure he gets what he needs and wants if we can afford it.

Blackcoffeeandcigarettes · 03/04/2011 23:54

We sat her down and told her. She needed to sign some stuff for us to take full control. We still manage her savings accounts. We told her that she would thank us one day and needed to trust her. She didn't put up to much of a fight. And she thanks us now. This was at the point she would regularly (at least 3 times a week) spend £100's on moisturisers

Mssoul · 03/04/2011 23:54

How do you do this (ration his earnings) without being totally overbearing and controlling? I should to do this with my partner due to his irresponsibility (was a single parent til my first child was 7 and managed better then then we do now and she is 13). I do love my partner and accept him for what he is, but do I just have to accept this is my life - being a parent to him too? Aaaaaaaaargh

TheSecondComing · 03/04/2011 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GypsyMoth · 03/04/2011 23:59

good luck with that tsc!

1Catherine1 · 04/04/2011 02:20

I don't think it is necessary to lose respect for your OH when you realize you have to manage his finances for him. I just firmly believe that as a whole women are better at managing finances than men are, in the same way I expect my OH to change the wheel of my car for me and to service it when it needs it.

Once it was freely accepted that a woman's job was to run the home, a big part of that is running the financial side of it. With me and my OH we tried to approach it by opening a joint bank account and running it from there - big mistake! Do not open a joint bank account especially if one of you is running bad credit as opening a joint bank account links you financially and affects your credit rating if the other gets bad credit. Believe it or not it links you together (credit rating wise at least) having a joint account but being married doesn't.

Me and the OH sat down and discussed what we wanted to achieve and how we were going to get there. We both want to buy our own home but firstly we have to raise the deposit, to do this we have to first clear the debts. We discussed in detail the reality of our situation (I'm 3 years out of uni with massive student debts and as I started to get on top of it the recession hit and left him unemployed for a year). We then discussed how much he needed to get by each month and decided I would control the rest as I had a better idea of what needed paying and when and from what account etc. We then agreed if he needed anything else on top of that he would just ask and I'd tell him if we could afford it or not. He's happy with the set up as he doesn't worry about the money any more - that's my job.

Stac2011 · 04/04/2011 02:52

my dp isn't depressed it suits him to let me deal with the finances. I dont ration his wage, basically the bills and the kids needs come first. We still go out together and seperately. I think it just depends on what suits you as a couple.

Stuckin has your dp been back to the docs regarding his medication not working?

FreudianSlippery · 04/04/2011 06:35

What is DP wasting the money on? What are his reasons?

hecate · 04/04/2011 06:49

I don't think I would take it away. I think I would give him a choice.

"Your spending behaviour is unacceptable. You are financially ruining us. I can't put up with it any more. I love you, and I want to help you, but you are sending us to the poorhouse! If you are prepared to work with me, and give up your account and let me manage the money while you concentrate on getting better, then we can work together. If you are not willing to do that, I can't continue to live like this and we will have to split up.

Understand that, although I love you, I cannot stand by while you ruin us. We have children to feed, clothe and keep a roof over the head of and your spending is endangering that. I will not allow our children to suffer. IF you won't work with me on this, you have to go."

of course, if you are not prepared to issue such an ultimatum, you have less power here.

Flip