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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or am I paranoid re HV

49 replies

WeighingAndWaiting · 02/04/2011 19:26

On Monday I had a very odd phone call from my HV (a woman I've met face to face ONCE!). IT went along the lines of:

Is this xxx?
Yes
This is xxx, the HV
ok
How are you?
fine
And baby?
fine (puzzled tone)
I'm ringing about the home visit you've requested.
I haven't..
oh..hang on (paper shuffling noise) I see you been recommended for a home visit.
By who??
By xxx, the support worker.
I don't know anyone of that name.
She does the weighing of the babies at the clinic.
Oh her...never actually spoken to her
So about this home visit?
Um, thanks for calling but I don't need one.
Are you sure?
Yes.
xxx though you could do with one when she saw you in February
I don't know why, no thank you (polite still!)
Ok, but please do ring us if you're having difficulties.
I'm not, but if I do I will
Do you want to take my number? OR arrange a meeting.
No thank you, I know where you're based. Bye
Bye, keep in contact.

Now why has this woman said this? I'm dwelling on it, and if it means anything! On the day I saw her I walked in, didn't speak to anyone, quick weight then left. Bit tired and distracted but both dressed neatly, no marks, happy baby, my mind maybe a little elsewhere. Just a nothing really.

In the past they've annoyed me, her and the woman that register people gossip so much (inc. about my low weight son). My son has gained weight very poorly, but has improved now allergies have been indentified. If I'm really honest I find them and the hv annoying so I give them a wide bearth, but I'm polite, answer when spoken to etc. I have friends and work part time, I'm pretty normal middle of the road. They always say in an insistent way 'do you want to see the Hv? I've declined in recent months after many pointless chats and zero help. I go to the clinic once in a blue moon, though I went a lot to check his weight when he was losing weight. I last went in the first week of Feb. Though I (hope secretely) dislike them I try to be polite. The HV at this clinic (not the one who rung) is a useless, judgement old-school bag.

Do you think they're watching me in some way. OR am I paranoid with a capital P

OP posts:

Original poster

WeighingAndWaiting · 02/04/2011 20:56

but do they DO anything, or just talk at you? Is it ok to say politely no thanks. DO they force themselves on you. DH reacts like they're the KGB themselves and doesn't want them in the house full stop.

OP posts:

PinkToeNails · 02/04/2011 20:56

I can see why you're worried, but as others have said they're just doing their job so try not to take it personally.

When my DD was first born I felt I would be seen as a failure if I asked for help or admitted that I was having a really hard time of it so I always put on a big smile and pretended I was fine and dandy. If someone had called and offered to come round I would've jumped at it. From reading other posts on here I had many symptoms of PND but was in complete denial (I'm not suggesting that you have any worries/problems). I guess they're just trying to offer help where they feel help may be needed.

My experience with HVs has been mostly fantastic. Their job is to look out for mother and baby and maybe sometimes their efforts to help may be seen as interference/criticism.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2011 20:58

Its more alcohol / drug abuse, mental health issues, involvement with criminal activity, unexplained injuries that are a worry not bedroom sharing. They take on board the happiness of the children and they watch how you interact with them, whether there is any affection between you. You have nothing to worry about.

chipmonkey · 02/04/2011 21:02

Bumwiper is that a new thing with the PHN's. I never saw then after 6 weeks with any of mine.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2011 21:03

They will chat to you and make a decision whether to recommend any further visits. You don't have to speak to them but it would be better to be honest about why you don't want to. If your DH is thought to overreact they may think that you have something to hide. It is a vey different set up to what you are used to, just make them aware of that if they start to push for visits. The better you communicate the more likely they are to back off.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2011 21:07

chipmonkey-i work in CP and we have been shocked at the lack of involvement by MW and HV's because of cuts it is now usually HV's. If they are not seeing babies then there is a chance that they will slip through the net so SS are constantly calling for an increase in visits. It depends on staffing levels tbh. But if something happened they know that they will be asked why visits didn't happen. Alot is changing often and especially after each high profile child abuse/death case.

Original poster

WeighingAndWaiting · 02/04/2011 21:08

Do you think they would make further contact. tbh I was just going to give up baby clinic for good.

My kids are affectionate etc, you could nit pick but we're happy. Never been to even the GP for a single accident. I thought they would get funny with 6 of us in a 2 bed flat, the woman comments on EVERYTHING if you see her. Even down to my hair being bum length and won't that be difficult with a baby.

OP posts:

Original poster

WeighingAndWaiting · 02/04/2011 21:09

I work with CP too, with older kids but I'm STILL finding the HV mad. With the older ones I know kids being dragged up in a shocking manner yet SS do nothing.

OP posts:

TattyDevine · 02/04/2011 21:15

I still dont think they'd do anything even if you did invite them into your house.

Mine have offered referrals to various things - i.e my daughter's eyes (due to hereditary factors) - I said no but now I think she should be checked (slight squint, perhaps, may need a patch) so I rang them and now I'm actually struggling to get a referral (might just go to GP I think, easier!)

She was so chunky she was off the chart - like ridiculously so - (opposite problem to you but happened on its own accord, on milk alone) and at 12 months she was still super chunky yet they didn't intervene or assume I was feeding her chocolate buttons for breakfast or pureed McDonalds, they said well you are sensible, she did it on milk, she will level out like your son did (he was a bit the same you see - fat bastid gene?... )

We are tidy but not immaculate, they are happy, I am happy, I have no family support at all, husband very sporadic (works in London, big commute, etc) yet they look at YOU and if you are happy and the kids are happy they are happy, I think, generally.

I am an "immigrant" too, so didn't suffer from any culture shock.

You "should" probably chill about it, but that said, you dont have to have them, so if you dont need them, let it go and if they persist, tell them to eff orf!

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2011 21:16

The plan is the earlier the intervention the better. It is also being looked at whether children benefit from being in the families that they are. With older children the problem is that under the Children Act 1989 SS has to do all in there power to keep families together and work in partnership with the parents. There isn't easy answers but at least older children are being seen at school and that is why Surestart was valuable because 'children in need' could be given a place by SS, so again a professional was watching over them. Babies only have MW's or HV's so it makes sense to knock on peoples doors.

Birdsgottafly · 02/04/2011 21:18

TattyD-i would go to your GP. It does not matter if two referals go in. The GP system means it will not go astray.

BumWiper · 02/04/2011 21:20

chipmonkey depends on the area and amount of babies to see really.they are experienced enough to see past daily clutter (which,with 3 kids is a normal state for me) and they will look for signs of just not coping.same as if your house was cleaned to within an inch of the brick work.they would expect to see some clutter,kids toys etc.
i remember when the PHN last called to my house we had glitter,glue and pasta all over the floor cause we were making cards.

4madboys · 02/04/2011 21:23

weighingandweighting they WILL know about the hospital visits as the hospital will have written back to your gp and the HV, they do that as part of standard follow up, hence why maybe when you went in to have your ds weighed they then looked at notes and saw this as well, which may be why recomended a home visit and a check up.

i doubt they will care too much that there are 6 of your in a 2 bedroom flat, its not ideal, but as long as everyone has a bed and your children are clothed and seem well/happy they wont have any concerns.

i can see why you are worried, but it might actually help you to have a visit from a NICE hv just so that they can tick the box 'everything fine' and then you wont have to worry about any further follow up :)

or just arrange to meet them at clinic if you want, but you dont have to.

WidowWadman · 02/04/2011 21:30

I had a lot of HV visits first time round, and was grateful - they knew that we didn't have family close by and were the first in our circle of friends to have children, so I always saw it as them being kind to offer support.

Original poster

WeighingAndWaiting · 02/04/2011 21:51

What did they do to support? Talk and listen, direct you to do things, fund things?

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WidowWadman · 02/04/2011 21:54

Talk, listen, and give me pointers where I could go and what I could do, as to not spend all days in my pyjamas lactacting on the sofa.

Birdsgottafly · 03/04/2011 02:32

As well as services there is a 'pot of money' that they can use if absolutley necessary. The housing isn't an issue unless the children are mixed gender teenagers and unhappy themselves, in which case they would help you to find suitable accomodation.

If they were little and you were finding living on top of each other a bit much they could get you nursery/surestart places. The services and help offered would be to relieve pressure and improve your quality of life, if you wanted that. As well as some people not wanting to ask for help, others may not know how to access help or where from. Or in the case of people from other countries, that the help is even available. So the HV makes the first move. It isn't to interfere. You have nothing to worry about.

GiddyPickle · 03/04/2011 10:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AuntiePickleBottom · 03/04/2011 10:36

5 times A&E for chest infections/ diarrheoa relating to allergiesso there's a lot of notes out there on him

did you know every time you take your child to a&e, the HV gets informed..perhaps the reason she phoned to make sure every thing is ok

StewieGriffinsMom · 03/04/2011 10:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 10:53

4 children and 2 bedrooms would not raise any concerns at all. It is perfectly fine for children to share bedrooms. It sounds more that because you were distracted and didn't chat they may have thought you might have PND. This woould also explain why the HV checked so many times in the phone conversation whether you wanted a visit or not - many parents will put on a brave face, but will admit their feelings if someone probes.

From everything you have said there are absolutely no red flags that would concern SS. You have a happy healthy child who you get medical treatment for when needed. Your house is clean - although red flag would not be if your house was dirty, but if it was really disgustingly dirty.

The fact that you have no family would not be a red flag for SS. But HV may see it as a red flag that makes you more at risk of developing PND. This means she may keep an eye out that you are okay, but thsi is her job.

I know you don't have PND - but even if you did all it would mean is that you would be offered help e.g. counselling, anti depressants, nursery place - things like that. Nobody is going to take your child away or mark you down as a bad mother.

lesley33 · 03/04/2011 10:55

The hospital visits will only be noted in as far as you are looking after a baby who has health problems and this may incresae your likelihood of PND.

mumtoaandj · 03/04/2011 11:31

when my son attends a and e etc the health visitors receive a letter/note from a and e-they probably have received them and when filing just wanted to check up on you. nothing to worry about- x

Original poster

WeighingAndWaiting · 03/04/2011 12:41

Thanks for all the replies.

I would have been less paranoid had she said 'your son's in hospital a lot, are you all ok there' as that would make sense. It was the fact she said some (strange) busybody had recommended me for a home visit, without saying why, that bothered me!

I had baby blues pretty badly at first, a very ill baby and no support so I am very prickley now. Only in the last few months has it got easy again.

We do have 1 pre-teen and 2 mixed gender teenagers in the house, plus one room is tiny. But they grew up in the same accomadation abroad, as did their friends so it's not odd to us or them. They are very well behaved, excel at music and get almost exclusively A grades so hardly a worry. In fact they are strangely good and surely one of them will turn soon! DH and I thinking of moving to the front room, or one of them, with a sofa bed. We are pretty normal, though I think different for the area.

I'd love a nursery place they are so expensive!

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