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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be a moody cow about tomorrow?

16 replies

MalkieFraser · 02/04/2011 14:30

Tomorrow will be my first Mother's Day with no Mum. The anniversary of her death is this coming Thursday. I've only just started grieving properly, I've been numb for nearly a year.

Tomorrow I'd like to place flowers on her memorial bench (at her workplace) and then snuggle with my own daughter, maybe take her to the park or for hot chocolate and cake.

My DH, however, has 'arranged' for us to go to see his Mum, because, as he says, "you need to see your Mum on Mother's Day". He thinks that going there will keep me occupied. I'm not the biggest fan of my MIL for various reasons, her insensitivity over my Mum's passing is only one of these reasons.

Sending him on his own would be the ideal, but we only really spend time together on a Sunday, I'm alone with my daughter every day of the week, I'd like the three of us to do something together.

I haven't mentioned that I don't want to go, I don't know if I have the justification to do so. Am I just being over-sensitive? I'm 6 months pregnant too and a bit hormonal and touchy.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 02/04/2011 14:32

You are being over sensitive however that is understandable. You should go to your mothers memorial bench to tomorrow to commemorate Mothers day before going to see his mother.

Remind your DH that you are a mother too so it is also your day.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 14:34

I do understand how you feel because my Sister died on Mother's Day and the year after, My Mum died a week after Mother's Day (it was also the last time I saw her alive)

I really think you should do your own thing and let your DH do his. He really should understand that tomorrow is going to be unlike any other Mother's Day you've ever known.

Good luck getting through it...it does get easier but only through time and your DH needs to understand that.

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 14:34

No you are not being over-sensitive, I'm afraid your DH is.

It's the first mothers day without your mum and you will naturally want to mark it in your own way. Perfectly understandable and I think your plans are really lovely actually...

Do what you were going to do and you can decide whether you are up to visiting the MIL. Discuss with your DH whether he's ok with going on his own or whether he really needs you to be there.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 14:35

That didn't make sense sorry. My DS died on Mother's day and then the year after that my Mum died a week after Mother's day.

squeakytoy · 02/04/2011 14:46

I think your DH is being a bit insensitive, but if you dont speak up, he wont know. If you explain to him, he will probably be a bit more understanding.

Let him go to his mums, and you take your daughter out somwhere for a treat for the pair of you.

One sunday of doing something without your husband would be ok surely.

saffy85 · 02/04/2011 15:52

My DH, however, has 'arranged' for us to go to see his Mum, because, as he says, "you need to see your Mum on Mother's Day".

Very insensitive comment made by him, no wonder you're peed off. Let him do whatever he likes with his mum and you and your DD do something nice together.

risingstar · 02/04/2011 16:38

he is being insensitive. my dh had no understanding at all when my dad died and did several insensitive things. his mum died a few years ago (10 years after my dad). this made us realise a couple of things. for me, it was as much as i loved my mil, losing her was nothing like losing my dad. and for him, it gave him a bit of an insight into what i went through.

so i would say, give him the benefit of the doubt- tell him that you understand that he wants to see him mum but you are not up to it this year.
blokes do need things pointing out to them

louloudia · 02/04/2011 16:51

let him go to his mums with your daughter for a couple of hours while you go to the cemetery

then all three of you do something around tea time

Northernlurker · 02/04/2011 16:55

Yes I think you should do your thing and he take your little girl to see his mum and then all three of you get together later and spoil you. So sorry for your loss, I'm afraid tomorrow WILL be hard whatever you do.

MrsStudMuffin · 02/04/2011 16:57

I don't think you are being over sensitive and I don't think you should go if you don't want too. Your husband could be a bit more feeling too. Saying you need to see your mum on mother's day is rotten. He can go for an hour or so and then you can have the kind of day you want.

I hate mother's day but dh has said we are going to town this year and it has become a mother's weekend.

flyinstar · 02/04/2011 17:11

i think this mothers day should be about you and your daughter,spent in the way you want to,don,t be pushed into doing something you don,t want to do,life is too short for that,let him go on his own,you need time this mothers day,hope it gets easier in time.

unfitmother · 02/04/2011 17:22

YANBU but your DH is, he sounds as bad as mine who has called me 'selfish' for going awol for the afternoon to put flowers on my Mum's grave!
It's my first year without Mum too. I can't believe how hard it is.

redstripeyelephant · 02/04/2011 17:33

YANBU. I lost my mum 11 years ago and I've been a mess all day. I arranged and sent cards and flowers to my MIL and my gran yet still feel a burning resentment that I can't see my own mum. Seeing the mothers day card stands in shops still brings me to tears.

Good luck whatever you do tomorrow, the first year is always the hardest xx

mrsscoob · 02/04/2011 18:00

I agree with the others, you are not being unreasonable. Have you said to him what you said to us? I think under the circumstances he should cancel the visit to MIL and tell her why, I am sure she would understand.

Underachieving · 02/04/2011 18:12

You're sensitive but not unreasonable, it's totally understandable why you would be. Your DH can take the kids to see Nanny while you go to see your own Mum, complete with that chocolate cake. This can be done in the morning and in the afternoon your own kids and DH can do the keeping you busy and spoilling you rotten thing.

I'm sure your DH was just being slightly clumsy with his words rather than deliberately offending you. It's what my DP would think was helpful for me too, to keep me too busy to think. Sometimes though, I just have to tell him I need to do what I need to do and although I appretiate what he's trying to do and lovehim for it, I'm going to do something else.

Ihavewelliesbuttheyrenotgreen · 02/04/2011 18:28

YANBU. Like others said you need to tell your DH how you feel. Maybe the best option would be for him to take DD to his Mums while visit your Mum's grave and have some time to yourself. Then the three of you can do something together later. Perhaps you and DD could also do something special together during the week and as you are together anyway.

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