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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In thinking some MNs are quite aggressive, if their advice is not taken?

20 replies

welshbyrd · 02/04/2011 11:04

A few post I have read in last few weeks,
Ive noticed, if an OP, does not take the majority advice given,or if the OP decides to leave it a few days to think over, and the MNs push things need to be done straight away [OP not doing things quick enough]

The OPs are almost set about, and the thread becomes ugly, messy and sometimes down right rude, to the point that the OP is defending herself/himself about the decision they have decided thats best for them.

Some people reading these thread, would almost think its bullying behaviour

Are some MNs just pushing the advice, for their own sheer noisiness as to find out what happens, quickly?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 02/04/2011 11:07

where? havent seen this lately and ive been here a fair bit!!

Bucharest · 02/04/2011 11:07

I've noticed some OPs who will make out they want advice, then when it's given will turn it all on its head and argue the toss which must make the advice givers wonder why the OP bothered asking in the first place?

I've also noticed posts where MNers spend a heck of a lot of time and energy (sometimes emotional energy) giving advice only to have an OP disappear in a puff of smoke.

I have noticed a few "well, have you done anything yet?" posts, yes, but tbh, only when there has been a question of abuse or DV involved which, if it is to be believed, needs to be quickly acted upon.

I've not noticed anyone being aggressive towards OPs unless they are clearly deserving.

BluddyMoFo · 02/04/2011 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Okonomiyaki · 02/04/2011 11:10

I think there is a natural human inclination to see things resolved iyswim.

And it's always more simple from the outside looking in, isn't it? Sometimes what seems like the obvious solution to others feels impossible to the person actually dealing with the situation, for reasons both practical and psychological.

NunTheWiser · 02/04/2011 11:20

Well, I've seen posters ask for advice or if they ABU who obviously have an opinion anyway. When lots of people then say things that they did not want or expect to hear, they then get stroppy and the whole thread goes south. Why ask what people think then?
Or the posters who ask AIBU, get a whole host of posts saying yes, then go off on one adding lots of other new bits of information. We can only give opinions on the information given.
The only threads I have really seen people get frustrated (rather than aggressive) are on threads where it is obvious that the OP or their DC are in a bad situation, yet the OP seems unable to take the (mostly) very sound advice.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 11:21

I see more threads where the OP can't cope with the fact some people think they're being unreasonable (despite having asked if they are) and they tend to spend the rest of the thread simply arguing the toss...regardless of the general consensus.

DramaInPyjamas · 02/04/2011 11:22

I've seen a few threads recently asking for help and the OP never returns to the thread.
Very infuriating to not know the outcome. Especially to those who have followed the thread and given time and advice.

Honeybee79 · 02/04/2011 11:23

Well, frequently people post on AIBU having already decided that they're right and then they just get pissed off when people express different opinions.

Yes, there is some bullying on MN but I haven't seen any lately to be fair.

louloudia · 02/04/2011 11:26

definitely OP

i was idly wondering the other day while doing other things how many marriages/relationships that would have otherwise survived have gone down the pan because a vulnerable person came on asking for advice and was literally bullied into doing things they werent comfortable with

a lot of bullying and ganging up goes on and its very uncomfortable to witness

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 11:27

Haven't noticed this yet either.

What I have seen is OPs being attacked for what seems pretty trivial really. Pounced on for daring to ask a question here. Ripped apart..literally. That deters me (as a newbie) from wanting to post a question.

Have been on other forums which are pretty bad (wedding ones) in that innocent people (especially newbies) are often quizzed, accused, attacked and judged as being guilty by the most vociferous of mobs/cliques. It's as if they have to win the approval of the minority clique and prove they are "real" before they are accepted into the fold. They have to undergo a sort of initiation to be proved genuine it seems. I know someone who joined one of these sites, mistakenly forgot her handle and created a new one and was then publicly labelled a sock (by key Moderators of that site who took the piss out of her at every opportunity). The so called sock was banned from the site without being given a chance to explain herself. I know for a fact that person was very genuine and innocent of what she was accused of. Even when the accusers are proved wrong there's rarely an apology. People just end up being run off these sites and ridiculed for months/years after they've gone.

I wondered if this sort of bullying was characteristic of forums dominated by women, but I don't think it is.

Parmallama · 02/04/2011 11:30

And on the sites I was referring to;

If you leave and say goodbye to your friends before you go you are "Flouncing off"

If you are reading the forum as a Guest they get all paranoid and say "ooh there are 4 guests reading this"

and there are weekly fall outs within the so called "community"

Cruelty knows no bounds.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 02/04/2011 11:31

Agree have seen stroppy OPs, who do not want to hear the truth at times

Though, the few threads im thinking about have not involved domestic issues
Perhaps, a poster has found evidence of her DP/DH having an affair, and not feeling at that time, strong enough to question him about it? badgering OP to confront her DP?, this example is not a thread, but a similar to one of a few I noticed

Perhaps, your words are of wisdom, and only fools and morans would ignore your advice, surely you would not flame them if the decide not to take your advice
FWIW, I have not recently made a thread, and ignored advice, so I have not been on the receiving end of this, and moaning about it after, it really is something I have noticed

OP posts:

BitOfFun · 02/04/2011 11:33

Where is this then? Sounds fun . I want to be a guest and freak them out.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 02/04/2011 11:38

Agree DramaInPyjams [was going to type DIP, but it ... ] OP not returning to thread, after following it/thinking about the post alot, is a crap

OP posts:

Bucharest · 02/04/2011 11:42

What the fuck is a wedding forum? Why? Why? Why?
Do you talk frocks and canapes?
There are some birth boards on BC where moderators get all Marple-y and ask "newbies" to produce bump photos, scan pics and vital statistics. I like to send their mad polls skewiff by logging in under lots of different names and choosing the loony options.

worraliberty · 02/04/2011 11:42

Well none hopefully. If anyone ended their marriage/relationship on the say so of some faceless strangers on an internet forum, they need their head testing anyway.

Original poster

welshbyrd · 02/04/2011 11:48

Its never a clear cut as that worraliberty. Some of the OP are extremely vulnerable, which makes worse reading on some of the posts

OP posts:

Northernlurker · 02/04/2011 11:49

It is a bit of a mnet joke isn't it - how a poster can come on and say my dh does and you get the response 'Leave the bastard' - trouble is that joke falls flat when you actually do get threads like that. I've seen a couple recently when op's announce they are leaving their marriages because of behaviour which is not irredeemable or representative of their partner's behaviour as a whole. The momentum those threads gather is truly alarming as people leap in to say YES LEAVE and anybody saying 'errr well what about discussion or a plan together get absolutely clobbered. I don't think that's a good thing.

BertieBotts · 02/04/2011 11:53

"...behaviour which is not irredeemable or representative of their partner's behaviour as a whole"

How do you know? Are you in the marriage? Presumably the OP of those threads is and is therefore infinitely more qualified to decide whether she wants to stay in it, or has had enough.

If someone has made a decision to leave, they need support, not questioning. It doesn't matter if you think the issues they are leaving over are insignificant, they clearly don't.

Northernlurker · 02/04/2011 12:05

The op of such threads asks for opinions, advice and support. I don't actually think it's particularly 'supportive' to blindly accept everything said in the heat of a moment especially when children are involved. People make mistakes. Sometimes yes relationships are broken beyond repair - but that breakdown will do long term damage to everybody involved, Sometimes things can be fixed - and thus damage minimised. Yes it does matter if someone is leaving over something which appears rivial - because either something else is going on or they are in fact behaving unreasonably. Blind agreement with an unreasonable position is not helpful to a poster or her children.

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