absolutely vile 12 year old, please help me get through this

[woahthere]

My son is 12 years old, he is being an absolutely vile, horrible, rude little git. Please help me and advise me what to do so I dont a) have a stroke through stress, b) punch him c) do somethiing i will seriously regret. It does not matter what nice things I do for him, it does not matter what punishment strategies I use, he does not give a shit about anything or anyone or how he is affecting us all. He is about to go away on an expensive trip with school and despite the fact we have asked him time and time again to get his stuff ready, he wanders off and comes back having done nothing, he is looking at us as though we are completely awful people and totally unreasonable even though it is a trip for him and his benefit. Ther other day I found out hed stolen money from his little brothers money box and even though hed done something really wrong and horrible he still thought he could get away with talking to us with an attitude, he backbites about everything and has an attitiude about everything, I cant take it anymore. I have now got to the point where i have just said that if he does one more thing then he cant go on his trip, its that bad. I need mums that have been throught this to help me and tell me what to do please....

Is he anxious about the trip?

There is a great book, can't remember the author, called "bringing up boys". At the age of 12 I think the recommensation is that he has a mentor, an older male, perhaps from a local youth group or someone from the extended family - I think the idea was Sons are more likely to take advice from someone like this than their parents.

raising boys - steve buddulph

Just wanted to add, I have exactly the same problem as OP and others ...

Thank you all ,for helping me realize I am not now housing an allien

hahah, the responses here have been so helpful and really helped me put things into perspective so thank you everyone, I am somewhat calmer now....because hes gone woohoo! A bit of a breather from each other is what we need I think. Sometimes you feel like you are doing everything right, for instance, I did do the whole planning thing with him...he just wasn't particularly getting excited. I'm so bloody glad that he didnt do anything else evil because it would have been heart wrenching to cancel his trip, I dont know if our relationship could hav recovered from it. With retrospect it was a silly threat to make but I was so absolutely on my last string...my partner was too. I watched the kevin teenager link and cried with laughter, then sat down with my boy and he watched it too...it actually raised a smirk! He is totally hormonal, hes grown about 8 inches in the past 6 months and his voice is breaking. He loves his new school, Im quite sure there are no problems on that front, I think it is literally just challenging behaviour that I am going to have to try and ride out/ignore as much as I can bear. I do positively reinforce, but with my son his behaviour has been so bad lately that there hasnt been any reason or opportunity to do it, it can all get on a bit of a negative spiral which is why I think its good hes gone away so we can start afresh when he gets back. Its like there are 2 versions of him. The one version that comes i is totally groovy and kind and offers his Mum a cuppa, then there is the other version that does everything in his power to piss me off. I was a pretty terrible teenager according to my Mum, but I just thought she was horrible and I remeber feeling so alone in the world and like I had noone and nothing would ever make sense. I knew all of this and had chats with my son explaining I knew these kind of feelings would happen and that I knew that sometimes he wouldhate me and think I was stupid and didn't understand him but that I would always love him and be there for him when he calmed down. However, when the REAL hormones kicked in, it felt very different and you become blinded by their terrible behaviour, its especially hard when you feel like youre trying very hard and making allowances and spending lots of money on them etc. He went away happy wiht his mates, and even came back off the bus to find me and give me a hug...in front of his mates, so that was REALLY something! fabbychic stop showing off wereofftoseethewizard sorry, it will probably happen, parmalla he stole £ off his brother so i have cancelled his pocket money for 4 weeks and it will be given to his little brother to pay back £10, re the packing, he had a list saying exactly what needed to go in, I wanted to help him but he refused my help, we assisted him and prompted him as much as we could. iactually have no idea what is in his case apart from the new torch I bought him, if he hasnt got what he needs its his own bloody fault!

Well done you - good to have a good laugh (black humour has got me through many a trial!). He's gone! yay! I know that's horrible to say but sometimes you get so frazzled that waving them off is the only possible next step - thank goodness this trip has come up now!

Another tip: don't ask too many questions re don't ask him too often what he wants to do - he will automatically say no (the default word/emotion ) - try making statements: not nice, not nasty, but straight to the point, clear and calm, with hardly any words (practice your precis-ing skills!). Sometimes they are quite relieved for you to take control, particularly if you don't do it with much fuss or flag it up but get on with it, as the awesome strength of their will can be overwhelming for them, totally leading them by the nose and exhausting (for all concerned!).

Fresh start when he comes back then . He will be different, they do come back changed people from these trips and the negative grooves that got established before he went will be a lot less solid when he comes back iyswim - everything gets shaken up and, hopefully, re-ordered somehow, creating a window for you to establish something healthier and happier.

Until next time ! ! ! !

Just wanted to say how much this thread has helped. Having a torrid time with one 12 year old twins and starting to think i have two utter developing sociopaths. This has helped me to get some perspective

I was bewildered as to why this old zombie thread had cropped up in my "I'm on" list so I scrolled back to read my own post.

My DS1 is all grown up now in an extremely responsible job. I genuinely can't remember him doing the thing I am complaining about. That stage really didn't last all that long.

My DS is much younger though still prone to massive outbursts which I have no idea how to deal with so I can’t say what’s “normal” for teens, but my DNephew is very like this (nearly 14).

He’s better when he’s well fed, been outdoors and not on the Xbox. Does yours have screen time every day? Eat well, not just fill up on fizzy drinks etc? Does he have to do house work in exchange for privileges/phone time etc? Good luck OP, sounds really hard.

Just realised this thread is from 2011! I wonder how it all turned out in the end for OP and her DS?

I have quite a pleasant 12 year old (our terrible dark times were a couple of years ago - I don't think many people escape totally)
She's quite grown up and mature for her age, but I could still never send her up and tell her to pack on her own, I'd always do it with her. I really don't see the problem in going through things together, and using the time to chat indirectly (always good for us)

She wants to be independent and grown up but she's 12 and not quite there.

At the weekend when she gets dressed she will still ask me to come up and help her choose what to wear, sometimes I just think 'ugh just choose fgs' but I go because it takes a few minutes of my time and it starts the day positively.

I think you have to pick your battles with teens, stay smiling, stay positive and know the wine is coming once he's left!

Oh bugger I just read through to the end and it's an old post!

Hope my reply helps someone else with a moody 12 year old!!

OMG OP's kid is 24 now!!!

Why don’t you help him pack? My 14 year old is resilient, mature etc… however I feel packing for himself would be a little overwhelming for him.

I don't have any advice on how to deal with the bad behaviour. But I came here to say don't cancel the trip. It sounds like you and your dh need a break from him. For your own benefit, make sure he goes on that trip and use the time he's away to reset. However you deal with the bad behaviour when he gets back, you'll do better if you're calmer and start less in the thick of it

Many teenagers are like this. Hormones come through the door - brains and good manners fly out of the window.🙄

All you can do is to hold firm boundaries, as most, in time, come out the other side as nice young adults.

Not an easy time though. 🙁