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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

aibu to be depressed by the fact that when I return to work I will only see my kids for 2 hours a day, how do people cope????

53 replies

porcamiseria · 01/04/2011 22:31

I just read that telegraph article, and did the maths. home by 6.30pm...they are in bed by 8.30pm. thats 2 hours a day. Its not all bad as they are with their SAHD and I get holiday, and fortunately we have shed loads of bank holiday coming. Its just hit me (I go back FT on monday). how do others manage? how can I give them both proper time? oh just having a last minute wobble I am sure. But its sad....... and I work for a long hours culture company too, lots of middle ages men that hardly ever see their families. and we cant afford for me to do less hours, and my boss said NO anyway :-(

I am sure I am not the only one. but with one I could dedicate evenings to him, with 2 babies.....

how do others cope?

OP posts:
hardhatdonned · 01/04/2011 22:35

YABVU imo.

I work full time, my partner (thankfully!) will be doing the same as of monday. I see my DC for a grand total of an hour and a half a week and only alternate weekends due to being a split family.

You do these things to provide a roof over their heads and in all honesty it turns from quantity to quality time as you value it more. Just don't give into the urge to keep them up because YOU want to see them. They still need a routine and bed.

2 hours a night is plenty of time to have quality time imo.

hardhatdonned · 01/04/2011 22:35

Whoops an hour and a half each evening that should read!!

MissGreatBritain · 01/04/2011 22:36

I think many of us give up our careers for jobs which are part-time unfortunately. Most often it's the women who have to do this, but ultimately you get to spend the time with your children. There's no easy way out I'm afraid.

NorthernGobshite · 01/04/2011 22:37

I see my dd for an hour every morning, 3 hours in eveing and all weekend....so I'm not depressed at all thanks. Children need time away from parents, and vice versa, we shouldn't live in each others pockets.
Its quality not quantity.

louloudia · 01/04/2011 22:37

frankly you cant

you really cant work full time and spend loads of time with kids, its one or the other

SilveryMoon · 01/04/2011 22:38

I returned to work a while ago. I see my ds's for a total of 2.5hrs a day at most. Is great Wink

thisisyesterday · 01/04/2011 22:38

no yanbu

it's totally normal and reasonable for you to want to spend more time with them

am sure it'll all work ok though

LoveLeonardCohen · 01/04/2011 22:39

i don't think YABU at all. It would be normal to feel a bit sad and depressed about not being able to see your DCs. Of course it will seem daunting to you, I feel for you. I'm not in the same position though so can't empathise properly. But i imagine if I were, then I would similarly feel sad about it. BUT after a while you may all get into the swing of things and it'll be ok

onepieceoflollipop · 01/04/2011 22:40

It won't be 2 hours daily every day will it? Just on weekdays. So that leaves 2 full days a week with them, plus bank holidays, plus your annual leave. Oh and perhaps a short amount of time in the mornings too? And the short evenings will gradually become longer as your dcs get older.
If you need/choose to work ft then this is the reality and on that basis YABU.
Imo you need to focus on being realistic and positive about this. On the days I work I try my utmost to not have household tasks or other stuff I need to do while the children are still awake. 2 hours in the evening is quite a lot if you are actually with them.
A lot of evenings I don't see mine (late shifts) but we muddle through and dh is here in the evenings.

Tortington · 01/04/2011 22:40

thats the best bit surely?

frgr · 01/04/2011 22:40

well if your partner is a SAHD, and you are seeing them for a reliable 2 hrs a night, this sounds incredibly sad to say, but they'll be seeing their parents a hell of a lot more than most of the friends and family in my circle

in most cases of family, there's 1 SAHP and a (major) breadwinner parent, mostly dads, who literally never see their kids mon-fri and then they're away on business trips some weeks too. so it's weekend parenting really, despite being in marriages. and then there are friends who have kids, apart from a couple most people i know have 2 workers, some mums part time, 1 dad part timer - they also have shockingly little time with their little ones when you think about it in detail like the OP.

really sad, but there's not much else to be done - bills still have to be paid, mortgages met, pensions and tuition fees saved up for - there is no alternative. just focus on using those 2 hours for quality time and do housework etc once they're in bed - that's the ONLY way I've found of coping (as a mum who has been the main breadwinner with a SAHD parent, and earlier on as the SAHM with DH working until 9 or 10pm most nights - basically a dad on weekends only).

for some reason if you point out the lack of family time in the traditional nuclear families (SAHMs, working dads) most friends and family don't see an issue with it, but when it's the mum working untl 9 or 10 at night, then it's seen as a problem - as if dads bonding with their kids and getting to miss all the important milestones is acceptable, but with mums it;s more painful - speaking on behalf of my DH, it isn't.

depressing topic, eh!

bonkers20 · 01/04/2011 22:41

YANBU to be depressed if that's how you feel. It's doing something about it that's difficult. You either have to accept that this is the way it is and that your children will be fine, or you have to change something.

MissGreatBritain · 01/04/2011 22:42

custardo pmsl

CristinaTheAstonishing · 01/04/2011 22:42

It's hard and you'll feel down about it when you have the time to loll in such thoughts. Or you'll just get on with it and live things as they come and muddle through. It'll work out.

onepieceoflollipop · 01/04/2011 22:43

Also at the risk of sounding nit-picky, you may feel sad and unhappy but probably not truly depressed.
And as I think others have mentioned , it is a major bonus that your dh is SAHD. Lots of families have both parents working ft out of necessity.
As I said before. try to be positive.

AnnieLobeseder · 01/04/2011 22:48

I'm with Custy! I get on much better with all my family when we see each other in smaller doses!

OP, I worried when I went back to work full time after DD2, having only worked 3 days previously when DD1 was little. But it really wasn't as awful as I though it would be. So much so, that when I got the opportunity to go part time, I turned it down and stuck with full time.

I do work 7:00-2:30 on Fridays so that I can spend one afternoon a week with them. Even if your boss says no now, keeping looking for windows of opportunity to ask about adding in flexibility that will mean more time with your DCs but also benefit the company. For example, my group had to produce a big report every Friday, so for me to come in 2 hours early and get a good start on it before anyone else got there was a win-win for everyone.

And make the most of your weekends. It's doable, really. Just make your decision and stick with it, adjusting where you can, and do the best you can. Life is too short for hang-wringing and guilt.

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:48

They are with their dad though. If you were a man writing this.....your life would be seen as entirely normal and nothing to get worked up about Hmm

It's hard I know - been there, done that. You just get used to it, and make the most of the time available. Though I have to say, I found longer hours easier when dd was tiny. These days dh has overtaken me in the career dept. and I tend to leave early to collect dd from school and do more work later in the evening. As a 7 yo, dd seems to need much more of mummy's attention than she did as a baby/toddler.

violethill · 01/04/2011 22:50

I agree - it's hard to feel terribly sympathetic when you have one parent home all day. I mean, as a family, you are managing on just one full time income. That's pretty incredible in this day and age when many families wouldn't be able to consider the luxury of one non working parent.

And remember - your children need a home, food, clothes etc.... you'd hardly be doing right by them if you weren't providing. It may also help to remember that the most important thing is their wellbeing. You may have a problem with this situation - they won't

porcamiseria · 01/04/2011 22:53

all true, I know we will cope and I am having a maudlin wobble

fuck, think of Libya, think of women 50 years ago that were trapped (and in many cases today still are). I am having an end of mat leave wobble, but I am still sad about it. thats life hey

frgr you are so so right, but how exhuasting!!!!!

OP posts:
Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:56

End of ML is truly horrible! I was the main wage earner back then. I had no option but to return. I sobbed and sobbed. It was fine though when I was back in the swing of it. Mostly. Hey ho, the price of equality Wink

Portofino · 01/04/2011 22:58

It's interesting though. Maybe something for the feminist thread. Us women don't want to leave our children. Well some do - fair enough. But fathers have their 2 weeks and go back without a care in the world. Is that nature or nurture?

porcamiseria · 01/04/2011 22:59

it is portofino, I have been fine but almost cried today at the singing time as playgroup. chin up! we cant have it all

OP posts:
blueshoes · 01/04/2011 23:00

Just go back to work. Once the baby fug clears, you will realise that 2 hours during the weekday is plenty of time and what huge relief it is to get some headspace back.

It is always worst at the end of maternity leave for the first baby. With the second, I cut short my maternity leave because ds was coping so well at ft nursery and skipped back into my lovely commute and reading the papers.

NessyBay · 01/04/2011 23:03

depend on their age. If this is during their most informative ie, from babies to 4yrs old - 2 hrs/day is ridiculously low, IMO

If avoidbale, I honestly think families hould try their best to be with DC as much as possible.

blueshoes · 01/04/2011 23:03

I think women feel the twinge because they are the ones who take such a long maternity leave and have the opportunity to really bond with their babies. If circumstances were such that it was the father who took months long paternity leave, I bet they'd feel the wrench too at the end of it.

2 weeks paternity leave isn't enough to change your life at all. Most fathers I know are relieved to be out of the house following the upheaval of a new baby and gratefully back at work.

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