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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to decide to not talk to DH at all tonight, just so we dont row about money

39 replies

napoleona · 01/04/2011 18:37

I'm dreading 7 o'clock (DH will be home). It is his little brother's birthday tomorrow and i bought him a CD. It was £9. We never treat his little brother. But when DH sees it he will go ape. This is because it is nearly 2 weeks til next pay day and we have £250 to last us (for food, fares etc). I think ''yep we can easily make it with that money, i did a big meat shop so we have a few days meat already'' but DH thinks ''aaaarrgggh stupid woman wasting money''. So, i am thinking of not talking to him tonight. Hot bath, early night for me. Or should i front up to the money argument? BTW , he is always like this , every single month, i feel 'bad' for our money not going far enough (??) as i am in charge of bills etc they all come out of my account. Also BTW, DH drinks a bottle of wine a night. If he didnt, that would save £50 a month.

OP posts:

Becaroooo · 01/04/2011 21:39

portofino I reiterate....I am sorry you have experience of this x

Original poster

napoleona · 01/04/2011 23:36

Well tonight he had a litre of wine and is now snoring like a giant pig. And he kindly informed me he won't be back tomorrow night as he will be too drunk to get home. Has a history of falling asleep on trains. I have to think of how to change all this.

OP posts:

Portofino · 01/04/2011 23:36

lol. I'm fine. napoleana, you need to be having some stern words I think. Do you feel you can do that? If you need to tiptoe round him then that is NOT good. Who buys the wine?

Portofino · 01/04/2011 23:37

Oh x posts!

Portofino · 01/04/2011 23:39

And he will be staying where exactly? That is totally unacceptable. How old is he?

Original poster

napoleona · 01/04/2011 23:58

I can't talk to him, not because I'm scared, not violence or anything, I just can't talk to him about his drinking. He is 44. He is out with his brothers and friends and staying in their shared house, tomorrow night. It's full of dodgy people with drink/ drug problems. He won't let me go there because I would 'judge'. Which i would. I'm fed up of this tonight.

OP posts:

moondog · 02/04/2011 00:05

Bloody hjell.
What a prick.

Portofino · 02/04/2011 00:17

Basically ANY scenario which involves you hiding upstairs til you find out what mood he is in is very BAD. I personally would not put up with his behaviour. I would be giving ultimatums.

MaisyMooCow · 02/04/2011 00:20

I agree with Portofino. Being on edge wondering what mood he's in is not healthy.

Original poster

napoleona · 02/04/2011 00:22

I have to be up for work at half six, so I should get some sleep, thank you for replies, will have to have a think tomorrow. It's really not good, we have big problems, but I honestly think he can't see that the drinking affects us.

OP posts:

Portofino · 02/04/2011 00:26

You can always PM me if you want to chat,

notmyproblem · 02/04/2011 09:34

Napoleana you aren't going to be able to convince him that he has a problem or get him to change it. He is the one who has to do that. Ultimately it's his life and he has to lead it as he wants. At the moment his drinking is more a priority to him than you are. It's sad, but the sooner you realise that your big problems are actually HIS big problems, the sooner you can begin to do something about how you deal with it.

And that's all you can do -- control your own behaviour and thoughts. If you cling to the hope that he will change for you, you will just be resentful and sad and unhappy (as you already sound like you are). You can't change him, you can only help him when he chooses for himself to change things. Til then you are stuck and it's dragging you down.

Regardless of what he does, you need to get some help to understand what you can do for yourself. Are there any Al Anon groups near you? Once you come to grips with what you can and can't do about the situation, you will be more empowered to make decisions and get on with your life. Cowering upstairs, fighting about money, etc. isn't how you should be living.

www.al-anonuk.org.uk/

CuntessentialShadows · 02/04/2011 09:43

If it is two weeks till payday, and he is stressing about money, and you have only 250 to last you, and there is 14 more days of drinking wine, at £5 per bottle (which is optimistic as this is cheap wine) then you do have a real problem. 14 days of £5 bottles is £70 and £98 if the bottle is £7. That is a lot of money to drink up.

Original poster

napoleona · 02/04/2011 16:03

Thank you, i have looked into al anon in my local area there are no meetings. The nearest one is not possible for me re work, travel, childcare, although I may be able to find one that is a weekend one maybe London . I have had some counselling at work and also went to relate on my own. But, to be honest, is there any point, when he won't agree to do anything about his drinking. I think my only real choices are put up with it or leave him. Not ready to make that decision.

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