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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lent baby clother etiquette...

50 replies

FanillaFudge · 01/04/2011 17:24

Here's the scenario:

You've just had a baby. You're tight for cash. You ask for some baby clothes from someone you know has some that have been grown out of.

You use the clothes.

Do you expect to give them back?

OP posts:

Original poster

FanillaFudge · 01/04/2011 17:58

I had the pressure put on me, else I probably wouldn't have loaned them.

OP posts:

Skinit · 01/04/2011 17:59

I would never lend dds clothes if I knew I wanted them again....not ever.

Pagwatch · 01/04/2011 18:04

Ah. Well then that is a bit shit, especially if you were put under pressure.

My mum is like that. She borrowed some dresses from me. She said she wanted to lend them to my sister who wouldn't ask me herself.
When i asked for them back she said ' oh no, I told her that you said she could have them'

ENormaSnob · 01/04/2011 18:06

Yanbu

I would be really pissed off.

Not as pissed off as I would be with pags mum though.

Original poster

FanillaFudge · 01/04/2011 18:09

I'm always having the pressure put on when it comes to my sister. No more though...!

OP posts:

Dinosaurhunter · 01/04/2011 18:15

I lent my sister In law my maxi cosi car seat last year and asked for it back last week but she doesn't know where it is ! WTF

Bathsheba · 01/04/2011 18:19

I absolutely always check when I'm accepting, making the default position that I'll return them to the lender...

I always say something along the lines of "Thank you so much, I'll get them back to you when she has outgrown them". That gives people the chance to either say nothing and then I know they would like them back, or they will say at that point "No, no its okay, when you are done with them just pass them on again.".

I always make sure as well if it has been given to me like that, that I do actually pass them on rather than selling them at an NCT sale or something as that is what the giver has wanted me to do with them.

Dakiara · 01/04/2011 18:28

I always ask folks how much they want for things when they offer old clothes like that - that way if it's a loan the topic always comes up and I know one way or another.

If I pass on clothes I wouldn't personally expect to get them back - but I have come across folks that would, hence me always asking to be clear. :)

EricNorthmansMistress · 01/04/2011 19:10

YABU, sorry. I have given away almost all of DS's clothes but the nice bits have stayed in the cupboard. They were probably ruined after being puked on by two babies which is why she binned them...

tulipgrower · 01/04/2011 19:48

Lent most of DS1's clothes to a friend, and told her to throw anything which fell apart, got badly stained, etc. (some of it was already 2nd hand). Recently got it all back washed and folded neatly, with the expected wear and tear, just in time for DS2.

I didn't lend a few items which have a lot of sentimental value.

No idea what I would have done if she'd suddenly said she'd forgotten I wanted them back. I'd have been livid, dissapointed and my baby would have been naked!

Unfortunately now it's too late for you. I guess, you can only never lend her anything again.

mellicauli · 01/04/2011 20:05

Give them a call. Ask them if they want them back or if I can pass them on to x or to a charity shop. It would be wrong to ebay them - you should pass the generosity on.

Personally I never lend out anything I couldn't bear not to have back. Just because that's what often happens..

Lookandlearn · 01/04/2011 20:23

Thing is, you have to know yourself and how important things are to you. I rarely borrow things as I'm not good at returning and hate to be unreliable and I don't lend stuff I care about except to a favoured few. It's unfair to have been asked.

MorticiaAddams · 01/04/2011 20:25

Yes you give them back.

NinkyNonker · 01/04/2011 20:27

She should absolutely have checked first, common sense and manners surely?

Bogeyface · 01/04/2011 20:30

If she was tight for cash, which is why you lent them, could she have sold them?

Could you find out her ebay sign in and see if she has anything on her feedback that could relate to the items? Atleast if you find out that she sold them then you can demand the money she made.

Debs75 · 01/04/2011 20:33

I lent a friend baby clothes on the understanding they came back when my next dc was born. Dc is now 7 months old and I still haven't got all the clothes back.
Dc was early so i asked for the really small stuff first but i got a mixed jumble. When dc was 5 months old she gave me a bag with loads of 0-3 vests in.
I also lent her the reusable nappies and some of them came back mouldy!
When her dd was 6 months she even moaned that she had no clothes now as I had only lent her 0-6 as after that they get covered in food.

I am pretty annoyed by it and can imagine you are too. You did her a favour and she has thrown them away. not good

thenameiwantedwastaken · 01/04/2011 20:34

Purveyor I hear Boden do a nice line of sackcloth romper suits.

yellowkiwi · 01/04/2011 20:34

I gave all my baby stuff (moses basket, steriliser, pram, sling etc)to a friend who I thought was hard up. I did say I'd be asking for them back if i had another baby. She gave everything away before she'd even had her second. I still feel upset about it now even though I know I shouldn't.

thenameiwantedwastaken · 01/04/2011 20:36

OP whether you said as you lent them or not that you wanted the clothes back, if I was the recipient I would always double-check before actually binning them! But as others have said they probably were a bit worse for wear after two babies. You have an excuse to go shopping for nice new stuff - but could your sister make a small contribution?

reddaisy · 01/04/2011 20:49

My best friend has given me loads of stuff for DD including some very expensive dresses etc. She says she doesn't want it back, however I have kept EVERYTHING from her and my own clothes for DD for future children and I will just give mine/her DDs old stuff if she does decide to have another. TBH I am not sure which things are hers but everything is kept and in good condition so she can have her pick if she ever has another girl.

I would feel very guilty if she had to rebuy stuff because I had passed it onto someone else/sent it to a charity shop.

working9while5 · 01/04/2011 21:05

Oooh... I have been given clothes by two sets of friends, but I don't think I checked..

((scratches head worriedly))

My boy seems to ruin his clothes. If I thought that someone wanted clothes back, I might not take them.

FetchezLaVache · 01/04/2011 21:07

YANBU. You made it clear at the time you wanted them back; in my view, even if you hadn't, she should still have double-checked before getting rid of anything. Even if she was binning it because it was worn out/horribly stained, I still think she should have run it past you in case of sentimental value- I would have.

Woodlands · 01/04/2011 21:17

I always struggle with this. I did get caught out when one friend who had passed on some 3-6 month stuff suddenly asked for it back (after DS was out of that size) as she wanted to sell it at the NCT sale. Of course I was happy to sort through and give her back the stuff that had been hers, but I hadn't been expecting to be asked to return it. Most free stuff I've had has been given with instructions to pass it on again when I'm done with it, and one friend just pointed out one or two bits that she wanted back. At the moment all the grown out of stuff is in the loft, waiting to be passed onto my best friend if she has a boy (due in a couple of months). I have kept a few sentimental bits and bobs but apart from that I am happy to pass on all my old baby clothes within my group of friends on the assumption that when I have no 2 I will get a load more passed back to me. I wouldn't Freecycle them or anything at this stage as I am planning another and it would seem silly to have to start from scratch if I had another boy.

sparkle12mar08 · 01/04/2011 21:32

If I was offered (I'd never ask) I would expect to return them yes. And if I loaned out (which I have done on numerous occasions) I'm crystal clear about wanting them back. You did the right thing, she's rude and taking advantage.

rockinhippy · 01/04/2011 21:32

I had similar happen here &yes it did leave a sour taste in my mouth, especially as there were quite a few bits of high end designer stuff, including cashmere baby grows & matching cardigans, which were a gift & just really beautiful

It was a good friend of DHs that was complaining/worrying loudly with him about spending money on new baby clothes that wouldn't last a few weeks, didn't outrightly ask, but hinted & hinted, until DH asked me, there DD was only a few months younger than ours

I did say yes, didn't think it could really harm, as babies don't exactly wear stuff through - but I also made it very clear that some things were expected back, as we hoped to have another & also my cousin was trying & I would of loved to have passed the good bits onto her,

the Mum then specifically asked for the cashmere stuff & several other choice bits, not in a direct way, just went on about how she really loved them & how grateful she was - sort of presumed & put me on the spot a bit, but I didn't really see any harm as at that time we saw a lot of them

I eventually asked for them back & was given a bag of BHS tat, none of which I had ever given them - heard from others the Mum was selling stuff on e-bay - DHs friend was rightly embarrassed, but his DP seemed to have no quarms at all - it was the last thing she ever did get from us

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