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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my Mum shoud think before she makes such hurtful comments?

15 replies

QueenSconetta · 01/04/2011 13:21

today we were at my Mum's and my DD (16.5 months) was playing up and I made a comment along the lines of 'you're being a bit of a horror the last couple of days' to DD who has been playing up a lot recently, early onset terrible 2s I think!

Anyway, to this my Mum replied 'you're just not used to looking after her'.

I was almost physically winded that she could make such a hurtful comment in such a flippant way.

I work 4 days and have all the standard working Mum traumas, exhausted all the time and the guilt. DD goes to my Mum 2 days and a CM 2 days.

I don't think her comment is true incidentally but what was she trying to acheive? Does she not think I feel guilty enough? Does she not think that even now I sometimes cry all the way to station at leaving my baby when I've dropped her off?

I know its my my choice to have children and to work, but surely a little more emtional support would be helpful or at least an 'if you can't say anythig nice don't say anything at all' attitude.

She also didn't notice how much she upset me.

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 01/04/2011 13:25

I think it was a flippant remark and by the sounds of it not meant with any malice. Perhaps she meant you aren't used to the 'terrible 2's' yet and just clumsily phrased it.

Next time she says something like that, ask her straight "What do you mean by that" and see what she says.

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2011 13:25

Unless there's underlying problems I think she probably didn't think.
If she goes to a CM and your mum for 4 days that's 4x8(ish) = 32 hours. Who is she with the other 136 hours of a week?

StealthPolarBear · 01/04/2011 13:26

How long have you been back at work?

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 01/04/2011 13:27

7.5 Months Stealth

OP posts:

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 01/04/2011 13:27

Bless you - YANBU - comments like that are hurtful....esp when we have the guilt factor of going to work anyway!!

Dont take any notice - you know you're a good mum, your DD loves you so all is good

I worked 3 days per week when DS was little and I felt majorly guilty - i used to buy him gifts to make up for it until he used to greet me with "what have you got for me today!"

loveitwhenyouoooh · 01/04/2011 13:28

I had similar from MIL who looked after DS while I worked. We were all round there for a family dinner and I went to get him a wee plastic spoon to eat with. MIL went 'oh no, you dont know because your not normally here, he doesn't use those little ones anymore'. Felt like a personal dig - as if I wouldnt far rather be looking after DS than working. Being pregnant with DS2 and hormonal I went in the bathroom and had a wee cry! I knew she wasnt really having a go but it felt like it.

Runningjustasfastasican · 01/04/2011 13:30

Your mum sounds like mum - are we sisters? I could write a book on the parenting put downs my mum has said to me. I used get hurt and upset - now I question her just as Valium suggested! She usually back tracks!

Baconsarnie · 01/04/2011 13:31

YANBU. That sounds like the sort of thing my mother would say too, without thinking. Do as valiumredhead says and if it happens again, ask her what she means by it. But she probably didn't mean it to be hurtful. You are a good mum, don't forget that.

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 01/04/2011 13:33

FWIW I don't think she said it without malice, for various reasons she can be a spiteful, bitter old woman without any provocation, which is a shame because it does do justice to the very kind part of her personality. ALthough she would deny it she has to make everything about her.

OP posts:

SmethwickBelle · 01/04/2011 13:33

ooo I'd have been fuming! YANBU. My DSs are in nursery two days a week and EVERY time they do something good, like eating nicely or saying thank you people have been known to say say "that's nursery that is" nursery gets the credit - as if I keep them in a box for the rest of the week!!

Original poster

QueenSconetta · 01/04/2011 13:35

I'm glad to know its not just me!, x.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 01/04/2011 14:37

YANBU, that is a hurtful thing to say. You might be at work 4 days a week but that's not for the full 24 hours and there are 3 other full days you are with her.

If it's any consolation my dd had the terrible 1s but got a lot better towards becoming 2 when all the others in our group seemed to start asserting themselves. She's now 10 and is very independent and knows her own mind.

B52s · 01/04/2011 14:48

I also work 4 days, using MIL 2 days and a CM 2 days. That is a piddling 36 hours I'm not directly looking after them. Although it suits us well and I'm eternally grateful to MIL for doing it, for free, I do find I have to bite my tongue occasionally with the poorly thought out comment. I just tell myself, it's free chihldcare, free childcare, free childcare. Let the little things go. It was a bad comment, but I doubt your mum meant it the way it came out.

cumbria81 · 01/04/2011 14:52

My mum is the same. She comes out with some stonkers sometimes which leave everyone else in the room staring at each other going but she just carries on whittering regardless. She just doesn't realise what she's said.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/04/2011 15:00

I can see what she meant - and it wasn't to hurt you... I think you're feeling a little guilty over your childcare arrangements perhaps? I don't know why - a man would arrange childcare without giving it a second thought, but women tend to beat themselves senseless about things like this.

You've said that your DD was playing up and rather than make a comment like... "You can't control your own daughter", which is something that many Mums would think themselves about their own parenting, she's neatly (but clumsily and thoughtlessly) pre-empted it by giving you the 'excuse' (not that you need one), that your DD has input from other people also and that she's probably playing them up just the same.

Stop and think about this... does your Mum love you, is she kind to you generally or is she always making nasty digs? I suspect the former... ask her what she meant by her comment, really, she'd rather you do that than live under a cloud of what you thought she meant by it. :)

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