to not be able to help my mother as much as i should?

[AliceInWonderBra]

i have M.E and am not managing very well. infact DP has had to take time off work to help around the house and with the DC.

my mum is quite ill at the moment, she had a blood condition which means she has 2 pints of blood every 3 weeks which has sadly caused iron overload, which means most days she cant move.
untill recently, i've been helping her with cooking, cleaning and making sure she eats etc untill my dad arrives home from work at 7.00pm (he starts work at 6.00AM and is unable to change or shorten his hours)

because recently i have been struggling, i've not been able to help out nearly half as much as i should be. its really upsetting me, i do try and help but it wears me out so much i can't take care of my own home and family.

i have two brothers, one of which will spend his lunch hour with her to help me out, and give me a brake, but its just not enough. his wife is constantly on the phone to him checking up on where he is and who he is with! so he just stays in of an evening with her.
my other brother is a school teacher so helping out in the day is not possible, but maybe twice/three times a week he'll pop in after work, he only stays about 20mins does nothing to help and rarely we see him on a weekend etc.

i help out on a saturday as my dad is working, i go up by 9.00am and then leave about 2.00pm sometimes later.

would i be unreasonable to not to help out as much?

and has anyone got any advice on how to ask my brothers to help out? the school teacher one is a bit of a grump tbh :-/

sorry this is a long post :-(

YOu need to speak to your brothers and tell them that you are sick too and it is too much for you.

It always seems to fall to the female to help. If your dad works then they have income can he not get someone in to help and pay for that service?

I do think you do too much, you are sick yourself and have a family to take care of too.

You could end up making yourself sicker. Weekends are for families, it's okay to help whilst your partner is at work, but if what you are doing means he cannot work because you are sick that's kind of a ridiculous situation isn't it?

its an awful situation and i find myself crying quite alot because of it :( its got to the stage that i now cant sleep because its constantly going through my mind. i'm also having to learn to drive too, as i am now unable to walk very far which i have always done :-(

my DP is very supportive and very understanding which is a relief, he knows how hard its been but we are now losing money because of taking time of work!!

i don't want my brothers to think im just being lazy, and if my mum found out i had spoken to them she'd get upset thinking she's a burden to us :-(

there's been a very fine line recently between helping out, and taking over, as my mum has always prided herself on her independece etc she too needs to realise that she needs the help too!

Honey I think you have a little bit of depression creeping in because you struggle so much. You do loads for your mother but something has to give somewhere, you cannot afford to lose money.

Please talk to your father, tell him you love caring for your mother but you are ill yourself and cannot do it as much because it means your husband has to take time off of work which is costing you money.

Can you call a family meeting at your mothers house so you can all discuss how best to go forward.

You shouldn't have to go every day, maybe three times a week, Mon, Wed and Friday?

Your home life should not be suffering as a consequence, you could end up with a breakdown and would be fit to help no one not even yourself.

Your brothers definitely need to step up.

It isnt your problem that one brother has a possessive wife, that is his issue to deal with not yours. And the other one needs to understand that he has a responsibility too and cant just pop in for half an hour and thats enough.

Can you email them both, setting out in clear terms exactly how things are for you at the moment and suggesting a timetable so that you each have equal time there and time away?

Getting upset about what you cant do isnt going to make a bit of difference to the situation. Get pro-active with what you can do and that includes making sure your brothers dont shirk their share.

I think that Fabby has a point about the depression too, it does sound like there is more to this than just feeling a bit down about the situation. Your illness alone would be enough to trigger depression, never mind everything else.

My dad has spent a lot of this year in hospital and Ive had to trail dd who is four around with me. In this time shes had chickenpox , ear infections so we couldnt visit, and he went on a ward that didnt allow under fives to visit that made it awkward. I work part time ,she has school and there are just not enough hours in the day to visit. My brother lives in London and has been up twice. It got to a point when I had to accept I wasnt superwoman, couldnt juggle everything myself and needed to step back a bit. Once I realised that everything was a lot easier, I agree with bogeyface worrying about what you cant do doesnt get what you can do done. Also you need to have time for you or you will be no use to anyone !

Your use of language is interesting as you say your brother 'helps you out' , not your mother. It is quite easy to get used to taking on a fulltime caring role, but very unfair and it could impact on your health. Its time for a family conference. Has your mum ever had an assessment to see if she can get help at home and is she recieving all the benefits that she can? Are you recieving carers allowance? Its time for a frank chat. Is your mum indenial about how ill she is becoming?