to insist the DSs move schools when DH says NO?

[FlippingHeck]

DSs are in Yr3 and Yr4. DS1 (Yr4) has had behavioural/learning difficulties since starting school. He is extremely behind especially in Maths and currently on School Action Plus.

Before he started at school, I requested a meeting with the head of KS1 to discuss his behavior as we knew he had a problem at that point (we had asked for an assessment through our Gp when he was 3 but we were told his behaviour was not 'bad' enough). The head of KS1 totally ignored everything we discussed and from the start what started out as 'minor' misdemeanors from my son were escalated into major wrongdoings where I was constantly getting called into school. DS1 has taken the view that as everyone thinks he's so bad, he will not disappoint them and imo has been scapegoated and deliberately wound up by other kids as well.

When I have gone to his IEP reviews, I have asked the SENCO whether they felt that DS1 should be further assessed and they have said that it was not necessary. I have recently been told my GP that he cannot refer my son for an assessment as the school must request it.

Now in Yr4, the bahavior has got to the level that he has been threatened with exclusion. He is not badly behaved on his own, it is always him and other children but I feel the school view him as a 'troublemaker' and together with his learning difficulties are probably looking for an excuse to get rid of him.

We have recently moved in a different area and there is a decent school at the top of our road but DH insists we can move the DSs as they need continuity but my argument is that DS1 needs a change and a chance to shake off his 'label' and start afresh. DS2 is currently experiencing problems at the school as well in that he is being snubbed by friends and is getting quite upset about it. I am also not happy with how the school has handled some issues with him as well.

So AIBU to want to move both of them? I am tempted to arrange it anyway without DHs consent and it is causing a lot of arguments between us.

If neither of them are happy at school currently, then I really can't see any benefit to keeping them where they are.

I would ask the children if they would like to go to a new school, if they say yes and it would not cause them too much upset then look into it. Generally though bad behaviour will go with them

Continuity is only important if they are happy and doing well. Otherwise moving them is a great idea. Your DH is not thinking sensibly.

Oops - but DH insists we canNOT move the DSs as they need continuity

Agree with Oakmaiden, the school appears to have let your ds down badly, a new start is probably just what he and you all need.

What is his reason for the continuity being so important? Plenty of children move schools and it does them no harm at all.

I think this sounds like a good chance to give the boys a fresh start but you don't want to be moving "out of the frying pan and into the fire" so you would have to look at the school and make sure it was the right choice for ds's. I don't think you should do anything against your dh's wishes you really have to stand together in whatever you decide for your children. Write a list of pros and cons and find a time that you can sit down and discuss it calmly.
My gp refered my son for assessment and I didn't mention it to the school until we had a diagnosis of ADHD - that shut them up!

YANBU. Been where you are and believe me it got worse because I stuck it out to long. Fortunately I'm a lone parent so had no-one to consult, but had I been in your position I'd have gone ahead and moved my DD regardless of husband or partner's objections.

Why on earth does your son's father want him to be miserable or want to keep him in a school where the situation will be ignored until DS blows and is expelled as a result?

A very well respected expert on bullying and founder of schools for bullied children was saying only last week (and says frequently) of how frequently schools don't know what to do with children like your DS so do nothing until they can find a reason to get rid of the problem by expelling them... is that what your DH wants?

• TOO long, not "to long"!

Is there any chance of you getting a private assessment for your son? If you are dependent on the school, they sound very uncooperative. If you could afford it, it would give you a heads up to his specific learning difficulties, and then you could go to the new school actually knowing what is wrong, rather than just as a troublemaker who left his last school.

Obviously if the SENCO and a private assessment feel there is nothing specific wrong, you also need to know this too.

I would post in SN too, as you will get expert advice over there (mine isn't!)

Moving sounds like a good idea in some ways but only if measures are put into place to stop the difficult behaviour and trouble, otherwise it will simply reinforce his view of himself, and convince others there is a problem.

I would definitely press for a referral for your son. There might be other factors contributing to his behaviour.

My son has been diagnosed with a sensory processing disorder which can affect his behaviour. He isn't that bad that he needs extra support, but just understanding what the problem is has been invaluable to me and his school in how they handle him.

Continuity is great when children are settled and happy in a school that is receptive to their needs.

Continuity when the children are unhappy and one of them is heading towards exclusion, caused at least partly by the school's failure to meet his needs, is not a good thing. All it will do is allow your DS to continue down the path of behaviour he's on.

I think, as he is Year 4 now, it's also the best time to move your DS1, to give him a chance to turn things around before Year 6 and selecting secondary schools.

The reason DH insists they stay where they are is that DD went to 4 different primary schools (we moved alot with his job and her time at schools went like this - 2 yrs, 2 yrs, 1yr, 2yrs) and he believes that is why she is not doing well in secondary school now. She had no problems at primary school, aways did well and no problems settling in and making new friends. Since she has been in secondary school, however she is below target (even though she is very bright) and can be disruptive. I don't agree that it has anything to do with her moving primary schools and is all to do with her trying to keep in with the 'in crowd', being intelligent (a boff) and doing what the teacher says is a recipe for piss taking these days unfortunately and her character is not strong enough is stand up for what she knows is right although we are trying to change that.

With regards to DS1s bad behaviour following him, he has calmed down a lot of home and is fine at activities like cubs - no behaviour problems at all. It is just at school that there are problems. His class is made up of all the more 'boisterous' boys and tbh I have not noticed his behavior is any worse than theirs.

You need to sort this out with your Husband.

If the kids want to move that's fine, but how would you feel if you came home and found out your Husband had moved them to another school without your agreement?

What your GP told you is completely wrong.
My GP has just referred my son to the comm paeds at my request (although he obviously agreed with my concerns or he wouldnt have done)

I moved my son to a new school last November...it was the best thing I could have done.

The new school have put him on school action and are very "child focused" and not results led.

Good luck
x

Helpful there.

All children are different. Moving a child for the sake of convenience for you would be one thing. Moving a child because the school are not helping him and you feel he has been labelled as 'naughty' is in the interests of the child. It's not about who is right or wrong in regards to the effect moving had on your DD. It's about doing what's best for this child, who has different needs and is in a different situation.

IMVHO happiness is more important than continuity.

I think, with all due respect, your husband is blaming moving schools for you dd's behaviour rather than the fact she has reached puberty!!!!!

I think your daughter moving schools continually is totally the reason why she is failing now. tell your husband it was okay when it suited his job to change schools! Seems he was okay with that.

How is your DS2's behaviour in general OP?

DS2 is fine - no problems. Sometimes does not listen to teacher as in a dreamworld but in top set.

Have you visited the school you want to send them to...read the OFSTED report online and phoned the school to find out what their SN provision is like?

Or actually that they have any room in your DS's years?

Flipping I think you are right....your DD sounds well adjusted despite her moves and her disruption at school is unlikely to be anythng to do with the fact that she moved a lot.

I think I would be visiting the school you want to send them to with your DH...he should agree to a visit no?

I think you need advice from other parents of SN children, as the issues are so different compared to a NT child's needs. A 'decent school' for an average/bright child won't necessarily be a good place for a child with SN - I'm not saying it won't be but many so-called Outstanding schools have very poor SN provision and favour drilling for SATs (hence the good Ofsteds) which wouldn't suit a boy with learning difficulties. I agree with the other poster who recommended posting in the SN Childrens section.

You definitely should not need to go via the school for a referral - go back to your surgery and ask to see another GP. I have gone through my GP without any involvement from the school. Ask to see a paediatrician specialising in developmental disorders - otherwise they may try to insist you see the CAMHS (child mental health team) who are more likely to look at parenting/mental health issues as a cause for his behaviour.

SENCOs often don't refer children even when they do need help as it generates so much paperwork - many parents have had schools refusing to refer children who have eventually been diagnosed with conditions like autism, ADHD etc.