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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that it's normal to buy one's dp a birthday present (however small)?

25 replies

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 08:09

My dp is generous in so many ways. He works full time in a job that isn't amazing money but it's not peanuts.
Yesterday was my birthday and we had a wonderful day. We went to a spa and I payed for both of us as I wanted him to be there and if I hadn't have paid then he wouldn't have been able to go. I wanted to enjoy my birthday with him.
We also had a meal and we went dutch which normally I don't mind.
However, I was a bit upset that I didn't even get so much as a birthday card from him, let alone a present. I did mention it and he said he had very little money at the moment. I'm not expecting a huge, expensive gift but a little token gesture would be nice or am I being a prima donna. Even a cheap card with a lovely present would be great.
What annoyed me most was he said that he had to beg for the day off to come and spend the day with me. Now he has fairly flexible days off and at the time he gave me no impression he had to beg.It's just a case of tweaking the rota. I'd rather he took another day off and we went to the spa another day if that was the case. I felt taht this day off was somehow a present in itself; like a bit of a guilt trip. Am I being unreasonable or has he cocked up?

OP posts:

Original poster

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 08:10

Sorry I meant a cheap card with a lovely message.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 01/04/2011 08:12

A card only cost £2.00 am more than sure he could have afforded that, seems like he just couldn't be bothered. It was your day he should have made the effort.

Lollybrolly · 01/04/2011 08:13

No I dont think yabu. Its the small gestures in a relationship that speak volumes imo.

He could have done something, however small.

Original poster

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 08:13

He manages to afford a bottle of wine every night. When w efirst met it wa sall flowers etc. Mabe he feels he's done the hard work?

OP posts:

Sweetpea215 · 01/04/2011 08:15

He knew it was your birthday coming up...he should have made an effort.

Is he really that strapped for cash?

Sweetpea215 · 01/04/2011 08:17

Woah.....

He affords a bittle of wine every night does he?

Sorry...but doesn't sound good from where I'm sitting.
I think you deserve a lot more!

Original poster

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 08:17

He has a lot of expenses coming up but then i am skint and i payed for him because i care. I think he's done that male thing of being generous in the past so now he feels ''spent'' pah!

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 01/04/2011 08:19

Yanbu

I would be really angry actually.

He's happy to go along for a free ride by the sounds of it. How long have you been dating?

Sweetpea215 · 01/04/2011 08:20

Sorry...but I think that any one (man or woman) who loved someone and cared about their feelings would make more of an effort.

He could have bought you a card and small bunch of flowers at the very least...you should be his priority. If he can afford a bottle of wine a night...and not get you a present, what does that tell you?

Original poster

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 08:22

we do share the wine to be fair but i don't want it every night; he does.

OP posts:

timetomoveon · 01/04/2011 08:29

Yanbu

It's my birthday next week and I would be very upset if dp didn't get me a card at least. It's not that I expect a gift/card but it's one of the ways that he shows how much he loves me and appreciates me.

I'm not sure what 'that male thing of being generous in the past so now feels he's spent' is. But it sounds like you're making excuses for him to me.

Sweetpea215 · 01/04/2011 08:32

Yes it does sound as if you're making excuses for him...when deep down I think you know he is being unreasonable. It doesn't really sit comfortably with you does it?

Have been with my now husband for several years...he ALWAYS makes my birthdays and christmasses special...and I do for him.

As I said before...you deserve more!

RatherBeACyborg · 01/04/2011 09:24

YANBU. He can't even afford a card? Balls. Making someone's birthday special doesn't have to cost money. This is him just not making an effort I'm afraid. Sorry for you.

Original poster

uniquegeek · 01/04/2011 09:51

he did write me a gushing message on Facebook. (laughs dryly)
It was a lovely day though. we had a nice meal and he bought me a few drinks then he cooked me dinner but he always cooks me dinner. it's his way of showing love. i spose.

OP posts:

MorticiaAddams · 01/04/2011 10:11

YANBU. Making an effort doesn't have to cost a lot of money.

How long have you been with him? I would be questionning the fact that he didn't make any effort yet publicly tried to make himself look good with the facebook message.

grovel · 01/04/2011 10:16

I think YANBU but, in mitigation, can I ask what his family tradition is? My DH and his brothers were away at school from an early age and somehow don't seem to think that birthdays, Mothers Day etc are a big deal. They are fantastically generous at Christmas (the only "festival" when they were all at home as kids). I have retrained DH but it took time.

orangeeyebrows · 01/04/2011 10:17

i would be upset

i am a firm believer in actions speaking much louder than words

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 01/04/2011 10:19

YANBU - I would be really upset if my DH didnt get me anything and esp a card.........

fartblossom · 01/04/2011 10:51

I am really in the minority, My DH NEVER gets me anything. Well we do get xmas pressies for each other, but thats it. My birthday is in Jan, his in April so I never get him anything just cos he hasnt got me anything. Every year MIL asks him how many cards he got, which is 2 so I always pipe up and say thats 2 more than me. Although every year MIL says she's going to get me something later on as she cant afford it, never happens.

TBH Im not really THAT bothered. Id rather say I want that and get it at the time. And cards just end up in the bin. I was happy with my last birthday, we went out for a family meal no presents, no cards, no surprises.

Fabby - where do you shop for £2 cards, I spend less than £1 on them. Even in M&S you can get them for less than £2.

Though I can understand how most people do like to do presents and if thats what you like YANBU, but you should tell him. Men (I must stress not all) can be a bit slow in this sort of thing and can need pushing in the right direction. Maybe he needs to be given some sort of pushing in future to remind him about special days and what you would like.

FabbyChic · 01/04/2011 11:04

I'd be real pissed if it was me to be honest, I'd be saying you can afford a bottle of wine but not a card!

orangeeyebrows · 01/04/2011 11:11

hell would freeze over before I pushed anyone to remind them to get me a special day card

they either want to show you they cared enough to go out and buy one, or they dont. Being forced to go out and reluctantly get one to avoid an ear bashing or sulky partner isnt really in the spirit of it in my world :)

Pseudocreme · 01/04/2011 11:11

We don't buy birthday or Christmas presents for each other either fartblossom.

But I don't mind, he doesn't mind and it's not indicative of some other malaise in our relationship. It's a big smuggy smuggerson but we make the effort to show each other we care every day. Nowt wrong with birthdays, they're lovely but we're skint and I'm more than happy with the status quo.

But if you're worried about his behaviour and priorities then that's important and sort of nothing to do with birthdays, this just serves to highlight it.

CelebratedMonkey · 01/04/2011 11:14

I would have to say something. Personally I'd rather a gift (small!) than a card, but either would be better than nothing. If he can afford wine every night then he can afford flowers or chocolates or even just some body lotion you like or something. It's not hard.

Ephiny · 01/04/2011 11:15

I don't see the point of cards for someone you live with or are going to see in person on the day, surely the idea is you post them to someone you're not going to see. Though even then I'm more likely to send a facebook message these days!

I never expect presents and wouldn't complain if I didn 't get them, but DP always gets me at least a token present and usually takes me out for a nice dinner, and I do the same when it's his birthday. I think most couples do something for each other's birthdays, though if neither wanted to bother (e.g. my parents) then there's nothing wrong with that.

GnomeDePlume · 01/04/2011 11:17

DH & I have been married since the age of the dinosaurs and have never bought each other presents in that time. However, this was an agreement between us both.

I think you and your DP need to talk about this at a date away from anyone's birthday so that you come to an agreement. This isnt cold it just saves on assumptions and misunderstandings.

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