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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my friend's new DP has "secret" stepDC - is it just me or should she be worried?

30 replies

superv1xen · 31/03/2011 11:56

just got off the phone to my friend who has had a bit of a bombshell dropped on her by her new DP.

bit of a back story: he has a DS, 9 from his previous marriage which split up few months ago. and he sees his ds every weekend. my friend has not met his DS yet. she has known her DP a couple of years through work but they have only been dating 3 months. he had told her about his DS right from when they first met. my friend is a single mum to a 5 year old DD. its been going really well, i have met him and he seems nice and they seem really happy.

however last night he told her that his XW also has 2 older DS aged 12 and 18 (from a previous relationship), so basically, he has stepDC. he was with his ex from when the youngest was a baby so basically he brought the stepDC up, although they have always had a relationship with their bio dad. he has not seen them since he and their mum split up other than if they are in when he picks his DS up. apparently the stepDC are not interested in seeing him Confused but up to them i suppose.

she says she doesn't really know what to think about it. i am just Shock Shock that he kept his stepDC secret for so long, especially as they have known eachother for a long time before they got together, why has he never told her before, i just find it really weird Confused why tell her about his bio DS but not say anything about the other kids?? my DH is stepdad to my older DC and if he tells anyone about his family he always says we have 2 kids. (ie mine and his, and mine iyswim)

i have major alarm bells but don't know what to say to her as i don't know if i am over reacting, AIBU, or is he BU (and WEIRD) or maybe i just feel strongly as i am part of a step family...

OP posts:
pinkthechaffinch · 31/03/2011 12:03

well if your friend has a dc of her own and not his, she'll have a good idea of how their relationship will pan out, should they split up.

he sounds like a cold fish to me.

Birdsgottafly · 31/03/2011 12:05

Doesn't she just need an explaination and then work it out between them. I could say that perhaps the hurt felt by him by their rejection has caused this strange reaction, or he must not talk at length about his previous life but it's their business to work out. She does need to slow things down by the sound of it until it is resolved.

worraliberty · 31/03/2011 12:07

Doesn't sound like a big deal to me...though it is a bit odd.

I'm surprised you're stressing about that rather than the fact this man has hopped straight from one relationship to another to be honest.

titchy · 31/03/2011 12:08

I would have thought that unless he had a relationship with his stepkids there would be no reason to mention them. As he doesn't see them he hasn't mentioned them. Quite reasonable I'd have thought.

The question to ask is why doesn't he have a relationship with them - THAT's what I'd be concerned about.

bubblecoral · 31/03/2011 12:09

I would want an explanation, but it could just be that he didn't want to tell his new girlfriend that there are two children he brought up that want nothing to do with him. There must be a reason for that, and he might not have wanted to go into that right at the start of a relationship.

He has now told her, and if they've only been dating for three months, it's not like he left it forever.

marmaladetwatkins · 31/03/2011 12:10

Hmmm.

I declined to have a relationship with my stepfather when he left my mum, despite him bringing me up for eleven years. I don't know whether he told his new DP about me when he got together with her, nor do I care.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 12:12

He didn;t tell her because the relationship with them is over. Why would he? The relatioship with his ex has passed as have the relationship with what were his step children.

I fail to see why it is a problem or even a bombshell, it makes no difference to her relationship with her new man, he clearly doesn't support them financially, and they do have a biological father who they see.

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/03/2011 12:12

I'm surprised you're stressing about that rather than the fact this man has hopped straight from one relationship to another to be honest

yes i agree worra it was a bit quick that they got together, but thats a whole different story :o

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 31/03/2011 12:15

but i do think its weird that he knew her well enough to be friendly and chat about kids etc, while he was still with his ex, yet he talked about his bio DC never mentioned he had stepDC....

just doesn't sit right to me, if it was me i would be very Hmm but its her business i guess, i just care about her as a mate :(

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 12:16

On the same note I married someone and was with them for seven years before we split, I would never say he was a stepfather to my children who where 2.5 and 7 at the onset. He never had any contact with my children when we split up.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 12:17

Super he doesn;t have step children anymore though does he, he DID have. That's the point.

marmaladetwatkins · 31/03/2011 12:20

FabbyChic is right (never thought I'd say that...)

My stepdad waas my stepdad when he was with my mum. When they split up we were under no obligation to maintain any kind of relationship. I think it would take a very special step-parent for the stepchildren to want to maintain a relationship with them once the relationship with the biological parent has broken down.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 31/03/2011 12:23

My parents had been seeing each other for about 3 months before my father told my mother that he had two daughters that went along with the three sons he had.

silverfrog · 31/03/2011 12:25

but surely the OP's point is that her friend knew this man (through work) while he was with his ex, and did have stepchildren.

and all that time, he didn't mention his stepchildren, but did mention his own ds.

I would find that odd.

andI would be very wary of getting into a relationship with a man who could neglect to metion he had stepchildren for years (who were presumably living in the same house as him) while at the same time talking about his own son.

whether he has a relationship with the stepchildrne now he has split form their mum is another matter entirely - but to have known someone for years, and neer hear them mention thier stepchildren, when the subject of children has obviously come up, is odd, imo.

FourFortyFour · 31/03/2011 12:27

Maybe he didn't mention them as he doesn't see them and they are not biologically his and only his step children if he married their mother.

marmaladetwatkins · 31/03/2011 12:27

"but surely the OP's point is that her friend knew this man (through work) while he was with his ex, and did have stepchildren.

and all that time, he didn't mention his stepchildren, but did mention his own ds"

I don't agree. I wouldn't expect my former stepfather to mention me to anyone, ever now. I don't mention that I have an ex-stepdad. Why would I?I have nothing to do with him.

silverfrog · 31/03/2011 12:34

but the way I read it, OP means he never mentioned them while he was still living with their mother - before he split form her, before he got togehter with OP's frined.

OP's friend knew him at work for a couple of years, and had chatted about children over htis time. Friend's (then) colleague, (now) DP talked about his son durign this time, but not his stepchildren - who were living with him, so he presumably saw them everyday.

I htink this is weird.

Not talking baout them now - not so weird.

But to have never mentioned them, over the years he was livign with htem?

Definitely odd, imo.

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/03/2011 12:35

yep thats exactly my point silverfrog

they did live with him most of the time, they spent a couple of nights a week at their bio dads but most of the time they lived with their mum (therefore with friends dp)

OP posts:
silverfrog · 31/03/2011 12:36

marmalade: wodl you think it ok for a stepparent to never mention their stepchildren, while they are actually still their step parent?

I cannot conceive of doign this (I am a stepmother). if the conversation is about children, and it is appropraite and relevant then I mention my stepchildren - why woudl I not do so?

htey are a big part of my life. I could not imagine working wiht someone for years, and never mentioning my stepchildren.

FabbyChic · 31/03/2011 12:37

He clearly never bonded with them, I'm sure my first husband never mentioned my kids either. It's not unusual.

piprabbit · 31/03/2011 12:42

I used to work in a very male-dominated office.
People simply didn't talk about their children or relationships outside work. I couldn't have told you with any degree of certainty which of my colleagues had children.
One guy actually got married without anyone even knowing he was seeing anybody.

I don't think that not talking about something means that you are actively keeping it secret - but I think that if I were the OPs friend I would now be rather suspicious about what else might not have been mentioned.

plopplopquack · 31/03/2011 12:43

Why don't the step children want to see him?

silverfrog · 31/03/2011 12:45

pip, that's fair enough if the subject just never comes up.

but the OP's friend's DP had talke dabout childrne enough to mention he had a ds. but never got around to mentioning his stepchildren.

I cna understand just not talking about any of this stuff - but to have separated it out, and talked baout his own ds, butnot his stepchildren would speak volumes to me.

djinnie · 31/03/2011 13:03

What an interesting thread.

I have the reverse experience. I met DH at work and he used to rave about kis kids. I assumed he was married and kept my distance. But oh he was lovely. It then transpired he was a single Dad so I encouraged things.

It was when I started seeing him properly that I found out that two of the kids were his step kids but all 4 still lived with him. He never talks about them as anything other than his kids. And the eldest now has a daughter, no blood relation to DH but hse is still his grandaughter.

When we married I found myself with four step children.

My DH is a lovely open, honest man.

But if we finished would I tell a potential partner I had 4 step children....? Probably not if they chose not to keep me in their life. And if all s/kids think like Marmalade that isn't likely to happen is it?

Does that reflect badly on me - I guess it does and yet...

No matter what effort and caring and what haveyou I invest in my skids, I'll never matter to them more than their BM even though she chose to leave them and never contributes to their upbringing, has never done the washing and ironing, the homework, forked out pocket money, cleaned their mess etc etc I have fulfilled the role of parent and tried hard to forge good relationships, and been there for them and cared and loved their Dad fiercely... Sad

So I think you need a bit of backstory before you condemn the guy? Maybe?

Original poster
superv1xen · 31/03/2011 13:06

plop she asked him this and he says they are just not that bothered about seeing him. maybe its just because they have their own dad (who apparently they have a good relationship with) i don't get the impression its anything sinister.

silverfrog yes, exactly, some people don't mention their families at all, but he often spoke about his ds but never the stepDC. so yeah, kind of separating it out.

i dunno. i have never had a step parent, my parents were together (and still are) so don't really know what the "dynamics" are wrt to would you still see a step parent if they are no longer with your bio parent. tbh most people i was friends with when i was a teen HATED their step parents :o

OP posts:
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