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To feel like I'm TTC singlehandedly

16 replies

runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 09:28

DP and I have one son - just turned 4. Initially we only wanted the one (DP has 2 from previous marriage) then 2 years ago we decided we would stop using contraception and if I fell pregnant, then great. Now this a lovely plan if you are in your 20s. I am 39, DP is 49, I am not going to fall pregnant like that. Sadly.

I now REALLY would love to have another child and I feel a lot of pressure - our ages and DS getting older, big age gap etc but DP just doesn't seem to get this. I have asked him whether he wants another child and he says yes but I know he does not want one in the same way I do.

Each month (I am now the proud owner of a cbfm) there seems to be a problem come O day - he works shifts so often there is late finish/early start or he is tired/feeling poorly or DS is poorly or we have sex and - TMI warning - he doesn't actually come inside me. I can feel the anxiety building in me each month as I think 'are we actually going to have sex on the right days this time' and I feel so resentful when, yet again, we miss the window.

I am sure DP knows how I feel but I don't want to keep going on about it as it is such a passion killer. How can I make him realise that, at our age, it ain't just gonna happen unless we put in a bit of effort - eg. have sex on the right days even if it is a bit inconvenient, or whatever? Without making the whole ttc thang totally joyless!!

Sorry rant over. It is so hard to talk about these things in RL though. I have also posted in Conception.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/03/2011 09:43

I don't know what a cbfm is sorry. Your whole post sounds to me very much like he doesn't want to have another baby. How is a baby to be made if he doesn't deposit his baby gravy inside you?
I really think you need to have a very long talk about what is going on.


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 09:48

Sorry it is a Clearblue Fertility Monitor to show when you ovulate. I know it sounds like he is not keen and I have discussed this with him loads of times. He says it would be lovely to have another child but I think the whole TTC is a real turn off for him, he just wants to have sex as we have always done, whenever we fancy and for me just to fall pregnant naturally. SO DO I. But it is not happening and time is running out.

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 30/03/2011 10:07

Can you sneak up on him unexpectedly when your monitor shows it is the best time.
My DH and I had one lot of clomid to TTC. I remember going to get the injection and the doctor telling me we had to SWI that evening, the next morning and the evening of tomorrow. We did the night time OK, but DH got up and went to school without waking me up. I was so cross I resisted his advances that night.
DD was conceived a year later without any help.


holyShmoley · 30/03/2011 10:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pjmama · 30/03/2011 10:25

"baby gravy" !!!! Grin Don't know whether to laugh or boak! Brilliant.


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 10:27

I know, I know, shut up about the TTC and work on my acting skills! I just feel it is sooo obvious. He doesn't finish work til blooming 1am today, tomorrow and Friday so I am gonna have to lie in wait for him in bed.

OP posts:

anastaisia · 30/03/2011 10:30

Can you change the method you're using to spot ovulation? Look for mucus or something so that you can have sex before you ovulate and there isn't the pressure to hit the right day?


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 10:31

Saddo that I am, I have just looked to see what's happening next month around potential baby making time and I will be at my parents for Easter, with DS, without DP over the entire sodding time!!! So that's April down the drain, too. And I am 40 in May.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 30/03/2011 10:37

Reading what you've written I think he's just not that into the idea. Not to the point of saying 'let's not bother', not to the point of being angry if pregnancy happened, but keeping you sweet and playing along just enough hoping that, one day, it'll be a case of 'oh well, we had a go and it didn't happen'.


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 10:48

Chil1234, that is exactly what I fear. And to an extent it is true. He doesn't want another baby as much as I do, although it was actually him who first mentioned trying for a second, ironically. I think he just thought it would be nice to have another child (DS was conceived easily) and now it is not happening he is not really bothered enough to do anything much about it. Of course when we talk about it he says he would be delighted if I got pregnant - but, hey, that's exactly what I would say if confronted by a hormonal, sobbing partner!

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 30/03/2011 10:52

If what he wants is a happy accident rather than something more deliberate then I think you need to talk about it properly and harmonise expectations.


minipie · 30/03/2011 10:55

On a practical note - does it have to be ovulation day itself that you have sex? I had thought it was very possible to get pg on the days running up to ovulation (as the sperm survive) and after ovulation (as the egg survives)

Might give you a wee bit more flexibility depending on when DH is more available/in the mood.

But I do agree - ultimately you have to tell him that you REALLY want a second child and, much as you'd love it to happen by chance, that isn't looking likely, so is he willing to step up the effort with you or not?


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 10:55

A happy accident - that is exactly what he wants!! Me too, of course. I don't expect they happen very often at our age.

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BlooferLady · 30/03/2011 11:04

In haste (currently under the boot of an evil boss), but didn't want to read and not post - pal, you're not alone. We've been TTCing for 15/16 months now, with no joy. All the problems you have outlined are ours too. I guess I want to reassure you that you're not alone, and also that it doesn't mean that he doesn't want another child. My DH is desperate for a child but he also works 12 hours shifts, often at night, in the emergency services (not absolutely designed to make you feel all lusty and romantic Hmm) and has managed to have a foul cold about every other week all this year.

We have found ways to tackle it and some months are great, full of shagging and fun. Some months (like this one!) we are unlikely to have sex at all, let alone the kind that gets yer up the duff.

So yes. Erm. No actual advice from me but just to say that a lot of us are going through it and try not to think this means he doens't want another child. It might I suppose, but not necessarily. You don't need that stress added to the stress of TTC!

Good luck pal.


runningtostandstill · 30/03/2011 11:08

Thanks Blooferlady. I am a lurker on your hilarious whisky-drinking thread and I must admit it's been good to know there are others in the same boat, well not good exactly obviously, but reassuring.

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BlooferLady · 30/03/2011 11:18

Ah, those whisky-drinkers! I set it up then bolted: I felt rather a fraud, because life at present is so absurdly hectic that I am barely ever indoors, never mind on me back, legs a-kimbo Grin. The plus side of that is that am I not brooding or miserable as I might otherwise be - I simply haven't the time, if you see what I mean. I've know people, in RL and on MN, in absurd flights of hysterical misery and self-reproach because they haven't conceived in 8 months. I have sympathy of course, but my main bit of advice (if I were ever asked!) would be to keep life as full as possible on every other front. It will leave you less time for unhappiness, which will make you less anxious and tense, which will make your relationship less stressed, which will make sex more likely Grin. Er, I realise that's tough to achieve, and comes perilously close to 'relax and it'll happen', but it's helping prevent me from flinging myself onto the carpet, thumping it with my fists and howling "Where's my baybeeeeeeeeeeeeee" etc. etc. (I do have 24 hour slots of that when my sodding period comes, but generally I'm quite chipper!).

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