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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want my kids to go to a school in their area

14 replies

Jenmummy · 29/03/2011 15:50

Hope you can help... my dd1 is at a primary school two miles away from our house. it has a broad mix of backgrounds/social mobility etc. However, she hasnt made any friends to speak of - having been invited to just three parties in four years (inc nursery). i invited kids from her class to her birthday last year but none came or even bothered to send apol ogies which upset me. i had to try so hard to hide this from her. She is judged, i think, because we are not from the schools' immediate area and because a relative of mine taught there before- my face doesn't fit thefore neither does hers. Would you rather your kids went to a Primary School your neighbours attedened so they could make friends where you live? Is it more important for them to learn than to makde friends at this age?? I should add that she's not bulllied there and seems reasonably happy and is a resilient little girl..Although ds1 is due to start same school in sept and i worry for him because he is quieter.... I feel very mixed up....

OP posts:

petitepeach · 29/03/2011 16:04

I can understand how you are feeling - the party incident and no replies sounds very strange.....not to say ignorant! Have you got your dd's name down on waiting list at nearer schools that are more friendly etc? Can you ask to see them and ask to be put on the list? People move away etc so you may be in with a chance - ask your neighbours where their kids go and if they are happy with it? Can you put a different school down as the choice for your ds? Just trying to think of anything really - if you are not happy I would look for an alternative.....

EssexGurl · 29/03/2011 16:26

My kids do go to the "local" school. It is a church school and although we are in catchment we were quite lucky to get in as it is heavily over subscribed. DS was born in a low birth year apparently! If he had been born just a month later he would be in a different school year and that had huge numbers of siblings so we probably wouldn't have got in. Our next closest school is a car drive away.

I love the fact that we walk to school and by the time we get there we are in a big group as we meet up with at least 3 of DS's friends who live along the way. To my mind, the fact that it is "outstanding" academically and everyone wants to go there, is an added bonus. The key thing for me was being part of the local community and we definitely have that with this school.

MorticiaAddams · 29/03/2011 16:27

My kids primary school isn't our nearest and it hasn't affected their friendships.

Why would they judge her for being out of the immediate area? Something is definitely wrong if none of the children came to her party and it's bloody rude not to reply but you don't say why your faces don't fit or why you chose the school not in your immediate area.

hocuspontas · 29/03/2011 16:30

Why is ds going there? Didn't you want him to go to the local school? It would have been easier for your dd to transfer then.

pingu2209 · 29/03/2011 17:28

Why didn't you put your ds1 down for the local school initially? Is it because the one she is in, further away, had a better reputation? Or did you move half way through a year so you were a late entrant and couldn't get a space at the local school?

There is no reason you can't transfer your ds1 to your local school, but before you do I would ask a few local mums to ascertain their view on the school. You may be going from the frying pan to the fire.

Very rude of the parents not to reply or attend the party though. Was it in a school holiday at all?

animula · 29/03/2011 17:43

I'd rather my child went to a school where s/he was happy. Local school does not necessarily translate into happy social experience.

We moved dd from a local school to one further away for those sorts of reasons (being unhappy; friendship issues). I am still a bitter woman, sometimes, but the new school, though further away, is a far happier place for her (thank you, new school).

You need to get to the bottom of what the issues are. Is it really because you're not from the neighbourhood? If it is then they are mighty strange folk - but it's not unheard of. Is it down to the relative? Again, that's odd.

If it is genuinely going pear-shaped, for your daughter then it's probably time to be looking at other schools. School is, imo, as much about sociability as other forms of education. I do think children have a right to be a bit happy at school.

princessparty · 29/03/2011 18:37

I would ask the teacher why the kids don't like your daughter.I don't think living 2 miles away or a relative having taught their in the past would have any bearing on who a child chooses for a friend.

atthecarwash · 29/03/2011 19:08

The party thing is odd and ignorant.

I like the fact that my dcs classmates live nearby and we see them on our walk to school, adds to the sense of community.

Any chance you could transfer her to your local school?
I would have a chat with her teacher about the friendship situation

GrimmaTheNome · 29/03/2011 19:15

The party thing is weird.

My DD couldn't go to the local school because its CofE - but there was no problem at her school with parties, arranging playdates etc - maybe we had to put in a bit more effort, be willing to drive but it worked fine. She ended up with friends at school and friends in our street (through whom she now knows other kids in the village)

So it can work.

PlanetEarth · 29/03/2011 19:37

That is rough! I went to a non-local school (about 3 miles) and it didn't affect my friendships, parties etc., but I was rather jealous of the other kids who could just pop round to their friends after school and I couldn't.

Can I ask why you chose this school? Are there others nearer?

biryani · 29/03/2011 20:16

I think kids benefit greatly from being in a local school,especially if they can walk. They are more likely to have friends locally and IMHO are better able to appreciate their local community. The party thing is weird and ignorant on the part of the parents concerned.

usualsuspect · 29/03/2011 20:21

I'm glad my kids went to local schools so their friends lived nearby and they could socialise after school with each other

The party thing sounds odd though

Original poster

Jenmummy · 30/03/2011 13:06

hi All
Thank you for your replies. We chose the school my daughter currently attends becusae it has after-schools clubs and is generally supportive of working parents - less than £10 per aftrnoon for care.... So in all honesty the reasons were financial - we're not in it's catchment area/parish. (live in NI)
I suppose in some ways the lightbulbs have gone off in my head recently -i had been pretty anxious and depressed for some time after her birth and financially things were a nightmare... the school she attends is more inner-city whereas we live in a slightly more affluent area... the people there are very cliquey (sp?) understandably so - i have gone to mother and toddler groups in the area to try and make acquaintances as well as going to mass in local chapel (someimtes!!)
The intended new school is more 'academic' and is a ten minute walk from our house. It does not provide the same after-school support that existing one does but then as one teacher i know quipped 'we're not a babysitting service'
My daugheter is bright and very sociable helpful and eager (teachers words) but i do worry that she can be a bit overbearing.. The relative, incidentally, is my mother (she taught there when we were in PS) and has been involved extensively in parish work since.
This is not about me thinking we're better than anyone - quite the opposite. I think that, in theory, mixed social groupings are a good idea as it opens a kid's eyes to the world around them - however if all parties involved dont share this or similar thinking then have i got it all wrong... thanks all! Ps - the party was to be held in our house and some excuses that came back to dd from class mates was that their mum/dad didnt know where we lived!! WTF??

OP posts:

biryani · 01/04/2011 19:02

I'd change schools if I were you. 10 minutes walk is nothing. You may find you have more in common with other parents, and your DD sounds delightful, and will get on with things whatever, by the sound of it. I presume NI is North London? I live in an urban area too (not london) and i have also found some problems with "fitting in". Maybe it's a city thing. Also, the differences you allude to could be cultural as well?

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