To be annoyed at MIL for focussing on me and the baby and ignoring DP?

[Ryuk]

We live around the corner from DP's parents, and since having DS have been visiting quite a bit - if we don't, MIL complains, mostly in jest but I think she really likes seeing DS's progress.

I can understand MIL being preoccupied with DS, he's only eight weeks old, but when she does remember either of us are there it's usually to talk to me about him, or hand him back to me for a few minutes, or to ask me if I mind her holding him so much. DP alternates between getting on with other things (which is fair enough, but sometimes annoying) and looking actually left out. In the past when I've wanted to talk to MIL frankly DP has asked me not to to avoid ruffling her feathers, and for the same reason also tends to avoid confrontation.

But DS is DP's baby too, and surely it's only fair for MIL to sometimes ask how DP is getting on with parenthood, or even hand DS to DP instead of me for a change?

YABU... Your MIL has had decades of your DP. Let her wallow in the nostalgic thrill of there being a new baby in the family. The novelty will wear off soon enough. My own mother used to push past me to get her mitts on baby DS. Now he has spiky hair and answers back, she's cooled...

She's probably tippy-toeing around you so as not to offend the mother of her new grandson. Your DP is perfectly capable of initiating chat with his mother or saying "here, mum, give DS to me".

I do see your point, but mils can't do right for doing wrong! Another poster might get hacked off if their mil wasn't paying them enough attention!

If it bothers him get him to say something.

You sound like a very caring partner, and Congrats on Ds.

Why don't YOU hand the baby to your DH? Or refer one of her questions to him?

Thanks, Ninky. :)

Chil and lofty, fair points. I think I'm also a bit miffed at DP for not standing up for himself more, but we've talked about it before and I don't think there's anything I can do, so will just have to leave it and hope he improves..

My DH doesn't stick up for himself with his family either. I actually find it really upsetting. I think because if people (certain people) can get away with treating you badly then they will. It means he is always the scapegoat and has his feelings dismissed and trodden all over. How do you MAKE someone stick up for themselves though!

At least she is paying you and DS attention, MIL did a pretty good job of ignoring us all. When she did eventually turn up it was at the time she knew my BF was coming and just sat there expecting me to do all the entertaining.

Like others have said, let her enjoy it and DP is big enough and old enough to look after himself.

Does it really bother your husband?

My MIL still put all her focus on my husband (only child).

None for me (thank goodness) or her only grandchildren

My MIL was/is a bit like this, and I know it annoyed my husband especially at the beginning. We never raised it with her, because it wouldn't have achieved much.

However he always made sure she saw him parenting too, and we always talked about the decisions we made, not I. (Have the feeling that she thought the whole babyled-weaning, clothnappy, longterm breastfeeding stuff was my idea and clearly bonkers, when it actually was as much driven by my husband as by me)

What should he say while sticking up for himself .."look at me mummy, over here!" ? She's a doting granny enjoying her newborn GDC. Some people will complain about anything!

My parents came to see us (me, DS and DD) during half term and as they left my mother said "It was lovely to see the children". Um - I was there too! But I find it quite funny and actually quite like that they focus so much on their grandchildren. When my in-laws come, DS has to pester them to so much as read a book with him. If my MIL does read him a book, as soon as she finishes it, she picks up her paper and carries on reading. I would much rather grandparents were involved in their grandchildren.

Sounds like she is treating you - the mother - with respect. Better than the alternative.

Why don't you ask DP to take the baby over for an afternoon or a couple of hours without you. That way you'd get a probably well deserved break, and he'll get a chance to have some attention from his mum.

Just remembered.... my mother uses my DB's excellent parenting skills (read... embarassingly soppy Dad) to make sly swipes at my SIL. "She has him changing nappies and everything!" she exclaims in horror "Minute he walks through the door she just dumps that baby on him! I think he's very good to put up with it"... I know, I know. Count your blessings, I say.