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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not buy future presents for relatives who don't send thank you notes for past ones?

23 replies

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 12:24

They live a long way away and are DH's relatives. He wants to me to stop sending even birthday cards as we never get any for our children or ourselves or thank yous for presents. I enjoy buying baby gifts but have to admit I enjoy getting thank yous so feel a bit disappointed. I always send thank you notes to any one who buys a gift for my children or me.

So, AIBU or some other feeling?

OP posts:

Cat98 · 29/03/2011 12:27

I think yabu, though it is annoying some people just have a lot on. I usually send thank you notes for ds's presents but didn't for xmas, i'd hope my family understand though. We did thank them by phone. I wouldn't feel bad about sending a message asking if it arrived though - did they not even thank you verbally?

TeacupTempest · 29/03/2011 12:27

If they don't thank you at all and never reciprocate then YANBU

Cat98 · 29/03/2011 12:28

Just seen that they don't send anything for your children either.. Hmm that's a bit odd. So do you just send presents and not hear a word from them all year round? Are you sure they are srriving? If no contact at all then yanbu to stop.

Cat98 · 29/03/2011 12:29

Grr sorry - arriving

Hammy02 · 29/03/2011 12:29

Perhaps ask them whether or not they received the present? That way they know that you expect a thank you/acknowledgement of receiving the gift.

mrsscoob · 29/03/2011 12:31

tbh sometimes it is annoying to recieve gifts from people you don't know that well, we get them from some distant step cousins and so I feel I have to reciprocate and buy their DCs presents even though I barely know them, especially annoying around christmas time when it is expensive enough to buy for your own family. If I were you I would stop with the gifts but still send cards if that is what you want to do.

Makingaminime · 29/03/2011 12:36

I'm beginning to think about this... we sent a present to relatives and on Skype the recipients said "oh yeah, your present arrived" and proceeded to moan about having to go to their concierge to collect it and how they had expected it to arrive weeks ago. I felt like saying "Suppose thank you is out of the question????"

We also have friends who get presents for their kids and don't open them when everyone is there because they don't want to overexcite the kids... fine, their decision. But then they NEVER ever say thank you or acknowledge anything you have ever got them. And NEVER reciprocate with presents.

I know present giving isn't about the thankyou, or about what you get back in return. Of course it's not, and I LOVE giving presents. But it would be nice to be thanked once in a while and if common decency prevailed! I'm not sure if it's petty to stop giving presents in these circumstances so I will persevere for another wee while.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 12:42

They are cousins so not distant and we can go a long time without seeing them as they live a long way away. We were all at a family gathering a few months ago and they didn't even say hello to us. Another cousin took the trouble to thank us for a birthday card we had sent to their daughter. The mother who never sends a thank you doesn't like me and tbh I am not fussed about her too. I think if we did stop sending anything but Christmas cards (they send one) it seems petty but DH keeps telling me to stop and I don't.

OP posts:

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 12:43

BTW I am not expecting anything in return like a present but a birthday card for my children would be nice.

OP posts:

ronshar · 29/03/2011 12:48

YANBU.

My sil who is a bit of a cow anyway sent me back a cheque I had sent as a pressie for her eldest dd. They live away from us and I knew she wasnt coming to us or inviting us to dd's birthday party.
I wouldnt mind really but she hadnt said thank you. She sent it back 5 months later via MIL who gave the excuse that the dd didnt have a bank account and sil wanted to buy a gift rather than have money!

I smiled took back the cheque and gave mil the cash instead.
I havent sent another pressie or cheque since! SIL wont have a clue as to the reason and I have become bored of trying to teach her manners.

Nanny0gg · 29/03/2011 12:49

Why on earth waste the money?

Stop now.

FabbyChic · 29/03/2011 12:54

They seriously would not miss it if you did not send anything, I think it is rude not to reciprocate with cards for your children. Do as your husband says and stop it.

Quenelle · 29/03/2011 12:54

YANBU I feel inclined to do the same for my sister's children. There are four of them ranging in age from 16 to 23 now and I can count on one hand the number of times I have received a thank you - in any form - from them. Even the times they opened the present in front of me!

I stop sending presents after their 21st anyway but have been tempted to stop before. I always end up telling myself it's not worth falling out with my sister over though.

If they were DH's relatives and I rarely saw them I would have stopped after the second or third unacknowledged present.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 13:13

It is interesting that someone sent a thank you for their card and gift within 3 weeks of having a baby but her husband's cousin by marriage can't even say thank you when we are in the same room. Didn't even say hello. I think I will stop with the presents should they have more children but will carry on with birthday cards for the children. Maybe it is because I haven't sent her a birthday card but I don't know when it is and tbh it has been missed as dh has such a big family. Even if that is the reason I still think it is bad manners to not thank for a gift. Someone who married her (the non-thanking woman's) brother in law hasn't thanked us for their wedding gift either so maybe it is just how some people are.

OP posts:

pinkyonthebeach · 29/03/2011 13:27

I have just this week sent my final card to some friends for their new baby.
I say "final" as they have never sent me a card for my special events.
Not when my baby was born - not on his 1st birthday and never an xmas card. Meanwhile I have sent them good wishes in a card for all these events.

I feel quite annoyed about it but have calmly decided I would send this last card as that is what I wanted to do.

If you enjoy sending cards, do so, but skip the gifts, thats a pricey thing to do when you dont get anything back or even a thank you! If you enjoy buying gifts and feel your fingers reaching out to make a purchase for someone - transform it into a treat purchase for someone closer to you! Your own kids, maybe even yourself!

pinkyonthebeach · 29/03/2011 13:32

Hang on, they dont send cards for your kids? mmmmm I think stop the cards too. Spend those few quids on someone else.
I think you are kind and lovely to go to so much effort for people, but time to stop for these folks at least.

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 13:36

Maybe it is because the presents have got less expensive as things have got tighter. We gave them bin bags full of clothes too for their baby son and they didn't thank us for them either.

OP posts:

foundwanting · 29/03/2011 13:49

I stopped sending presents to DH's nephews at 16, because I never got a thank you. I think DH sent them cheques for their 18ths, but not sure. I still make a real effort with his neice who is 24, because she always sends me a lovely, handmade card to say thanks.

Both the boys had babies last year and I sent gifts for them when they were born and for Christmas. No idea if they received them or not, so they obviously married women as ill-mannered as they are themselves.

foundwanting · 29/03/2011 13:50

By the way, I don't expect a card. A text would do.

Makingaminime · 29/03/2011 16:19

That's what I think foundwanting even a text, a phone call or a straight "thanks" would be fine. I'm left wondering if they hated the present or if it never arrived or what.

Problem is, I don't want little kids to miss out on having things just because their parents aren't polite enough to acknowledge a gift!

Original poster

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 16:20

A text would be better than nothing.

OP posts:

gysela · 29/03/2011 16:25

We buy birthday and christmas presents for my sister and her 3 kids every year and we dont get anything back. No thanks, nothing. She doesnt even remember our birthdays....I had an image of a bottomless pit the last time I sent presents to them and made a mental note not to keep throwing my money away.

Georgimama · 29/03/2011 16:32

DH's entire family (save one grown up neice) seem to be unaware of the concept of saying thank you for presents. We continue because some of the children are young but others have email, facebook etc and are quite capable of sending a brief email saying thank you.

They usually send gifts for DS at Christmas/birthday and of course I always thank them. But it's not actually the reciprocity or lack of it - it's the basic failure of manners not to say thank you.

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