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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let PIL take DS in their car?

59 replies

SquishyBumsMum · 29/03/2011 11:00

Since DS was born, DP's parents have only seen him about 5 times.
We make plans to see them at least once a week and they always cancel, usually about an hour before, and no, I'm not exaggerating. This is partly because of MIL's illness which is why we tend to grin and bear it and just try everything to get her to see DS as she always says she's missing him etc.

So, on mother's day they've proposed that we all go out for a meal together, which sounded lovely until they suggested somewhere miles away.
The problem is, we don't have a car at the moment and theirs is completely knackered, the gear box is gone and the breaks tend to lock up and stop working without warning. To top it all of MIL is on extremely strong medication so shouldn't be driving at all and FIL can't drive.

AIBU to say absolutely not to them driving us anywhere, as I don't agree with them driving anywhere at all, MIL is a danger to herself and everyone else on the road. But they seem to think I'm over reacting.

I've offered to cook etc but nothing seems like an acceptable alternative to them.
So AIBU or are they?

OP posts:

Original poster

SquishyBumsMum · 29/03/2011 11:25

independence oops.

OP posts:

TechnoKitten · 29/03/2011 11:27

PA - add to your list 4) no insurance.

Because no way will she be covered with an invalid licence and an unroadworthy car.

onepieceoflollipop · 29/03/2011 11:29

Another option. Ring her GP and tell him/her. You can give information to the doctor, but they cannot give information to you about her health.

TechnoKitten · 29/03/2011 11:31

Not sure GPs are allowed to inform the dvla though - breach of confidentiality?

ratspeaker · 29/03/2011 11:32

Has the car got tax and MOT?
If its untaxed on the road its possible it could be clamoed or impounded if the authorities got to know about it...

Is the meal already booked, places to eat are going to be very very busy this weekend, maybe check then hopefully you could report back its not possible to get a place.
Going by what you've said in the oP I would think its likely they'll cancel at the last minute anyway

onepieceoflollipop · 29/03/2011 11:34

I'm not 100% sure Kitten but I think the safety aspect of this may overrule the confidentiality rule?

JaneS · 29/03/2011 11:37

Can your DP tackle them? I think, as they're his parents, he should, really. But agree someone needs to report them. It is absolutely terrifying thinking of them on the road and a danger to your kids and everyone else's.

I can see how frustrating it is though - some people of that generation remember when car laws were more relaxed and find it very easy to ignore or discount the reasons why they are dangerous drivers.

titchy · 29/03/2011 11:46

Have nice meal prepared. Half an hour before you would be due to leave fpr restaurant let PIL's car tyres down. Oops you can't go the restaurant now

getoffme · 29/03/2011 11:48

sorry, but you have to be harsh to be kind, she can't be driving and not that car.

do the snuggle up with dp and ds and the walk you want, it is your mothers day...

Rootle · 29/03/2011 12:11

OMG! What an awful position to be put in. Agree with other posts that you cannot possibly risk getting in her car sounds like a death trap! Surely your OH feels the same as you? Surely he should be putting his foot down with his parents? Understand things may be strained but it's your children's safety?

Good luck x x

ENormaSnob · 29/03/2011 12:18

Report the stupid bitch to the dvla.

starfishmummy · 29/03/2011 12:21

A paper licence is still valid in itself - it is an urban myth that everyone has to have a photo licence.

Blatherskite · 29/03/2011 12:42

The licence is still valid but her insurance won't be!

You really have to report her. Or DM me and I'll do it!!

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/03/2011 12:46

If I were you, I would tell your MIL that if she doesn't turn in her driving licence and get rid of the car, you will report her to the DVLA because her car is dangerous and she shouldn't be driving.

Better to risk a row than the possible alternative - she has an accident and hurts herself or your fil, or any of you, or another innocent driver who just has the misfortune to be on the road with her.

And you are absolutely not being unreasonable to refuse to go in the car with her.

arabicabean · 29/03/2011 13:01

I think you have a moral responsibility to make sure that this car is not driven, knowing what you do.

I would hate to encounter your MIL on the road when I'm driving my toddler. Others would probably do so as well, if they knew the facts.

Original poster

SquishyBumsMum · 29/03/2011 13:07

A paper licence is still valid in itself - I know but hers has an address on it that she hasn't lived at for 15 years and has been through the washing machine :/

Thankyou for the support everyone, have just discussed this with DP and we're going to sit his mum down about it and confront her and make sure this all gets sorted out.

OP posts:

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 13:11

I know you don't want to rock the familial boat, but how are you going to feel if they hurt themselves, or someone else?

Vallhala · 29/03/2011 13:18

"I feel like crying right now, I just don't know what to do."

Time for some tough speaking here.

There's a lady on here called TrinityRhino. A year or so ago her husband was killed in a road accident. He left behind not only Trinity but three young children.

Do a search for Trinity's posts if you aren't already aware of them, read what she has been through, read how she nearly didn't get through it and how her children have struggled with coping without their Daddy.

Then come back and tell me that YOU feel like crying and that you still don't know what to do.

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 13:23

Maybe report her anonomously?

Out of nosiness, what is her illness?

Why are they so fixated on this one restaurant? I'm guessing it's something to do with fussy eating or just somewhere she feels confortable.

PfftTheMagicDragon · 29/03/2011 13:26

It will be the last of her independence when she kills someone and is sent to prison.

I know that this is a common issue, older people not wanting to give up their cars because of what it represents for their life. The answer? Tough shit I'm afraid. She shouldn't be driving and if she won't make that decision herself, someone else needs to do it.

Stop procrastinating and get on with it!

RevoltingPeasant · 29/03/2011 13:28

OP, two things here:

a) Mother's Day. I know you want to spend it with your DS and DP, and YANBU, but your PILs probably feel isolated/ housebound. A meal out might mean a lot to them. So book a table if you can, and book a taxi. It's a nice gesture on your part.

b) the car. No WAY should she be driving it. And this time, it is your DP's responsibility. He should go over and say, 'Mum, I am really worried about you driving that car. Every time you get in, I am scared you will kill yourself. Please think about how me and Dad would feel.'

I know there are other arguments against her driving but if she can let her DS say that to her and still want to drive, then.... !

RevoltingPeasant · 29/03/2011 13:30

Sorry OP, xpost but still think you should take her out for MSunday. She is clearly being VU but it sounds like she's scared of growing old and a bit deluded rather than Totally Evil.

plopplopquack · 29/03/2011 13:30

'Mum, I am really worried about you driving that car. Every time you get in, I am scared you will kill yourself. Please think about how me and Dad would feel.'

Maybe he should say how will YOU feel if you kill a child?

FourFortyFour · 29/03/2011 13:31

How old is your ds?

On the basis that they have seen him 5 times in his life I think if doing the right thing means you no longer have contact then I really don't think it is any loss.

You can not get in a car with them and your child just to not hurt their feelings. They could hurt your child. Now you know your MIL is driving when she shouldn't you have a moral duty to tell someone wo can stop her potentially killing an innocent person, maybe even a child like yours.

ashamedandconfused · 29/03/2011 13:32

Your DP needs to bite the bullet and stop worrying about offending her!

If she should not be driving get her off the road for all our sakes. Every time she gets behind the wheel it is literally an accident waiting to happen. When that happens YOU will be as much to blame as she is.

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