Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

Bed Sharing Etiquette...AIBU or is DP

25 replies

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 29/03/2011 10:01

Whilst comforting dd (6 months) during the night, DP was asleep as far as I knew, I sat on the foot of the bed on my side. This is what happened:

DP: oh ffs
Me: what?
DP: you almost sat on my feet
Me: well i didn't expect your feet to be on my side of the bed especially as I've literally just got out of the bed
DP: well you should've said you were about to sit down!
Me: I thought you were sleeping and didn't think I had to announce my movements!
DP: oh fuck off

I wanted to carry this on and tell him how unreasonable he was being, but thought better of it, he was still half sleeping anyway and by the way he was acting this morning had no idea that this even took place! But I'm quietly annoyed about this as it has happened before btw.

DP thinks I should announce that I'm about to sit on the bed in order for him to move, I say that DP shouldn't be on my side in the first place unless I'm actually getting up....who is being unreasonable here?

Who else has this kind of problem with bed sharing? Cover stealing? OH taking up too much room?

And FWIW, this coming from a man who has elbowed me in the face during the night when he's had a bit of a panic attack in his sleep - I just laughed it off because I knew he never did this intentionally.

OP posts:

mousymouse · 29/03/2011 10:04

yanbu, he is
get a kingsize bed (at least) and two single duvets.

Grabaspoon · 29/03/2011 10:04

He's a knob

thefurryone · 29/03/2011 10:06

Is anyone reasonable in the middle of the night? This isn't really a big deal you're both probably just overtired, perhaps just check where his feet are before you sit down.

cantspel · 29/03/2011 10:09

Next time wake him fully to announce what you are going to do before you do it. This will soon cure him of being an arse.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/03/2011 10:10

I think that, from now on, you should announce in a loud, clear voice, "I am about to sit down on the bed, darling - please move your feet if they are over my side of the bed so that I do not sit on them!!" Do this even if he is clearly right over the other side of the bed. If he complains about being woken by your clarion tones, tell him (sweetly and innocently) that you are only doing as HE asked you to do, and you would hate to wake him up by sitting on his feet!

Carry on doing this until he realises that it's better for him to keep his feet at his own side of the bed when you get up in the night.

At least, this is what I (with my evil mind) would do.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 29/03/2011 10:11

X-post with cantspel - we clearly have the same evil mind!

Onetoomanycornettos · 29/03/2011 10:11

Second the two duvets, two duvets and a very large bed, otherwise if your husband is as chunky as mine, you hardly have any room at all.

Stricnine · 29/03/2011 10:13

as someone who quite freqently sleepwalks/talks, my DH has long since learned not to pay any attention to the gibberish I talk during the night - I suggest that this sounds similar ... certainly not worth getting het up over, unless he's like this in the daytime too...

I don't remember half the 'converations' I've had overnight !! :)

Cyclebump · 29/03/2011 10:15

He was BU but.....

DP regularly swears at me when he's half asleep and has absolutely no recollection of it the next day. I'm 39 weeks pg at the moment and he was mortified the other day when I told him he'd shouted 'you are RUINING my sleep!' before dramatically turning over and huffing at me. He talks in his sleep so although he was definitely BU, it wasn't the real him

FabbyChic · 29/03/2011 10:16

To be fair how the fuck was he supposed to know you had got out of bed anyway? Subconsciously in his sleep his body has moved to a bit where there is no one there, he didn't go on your side on purpose it has happened whilst he was sleeping. In future check his feet aren't there.

If I was you I'd just have said sorry didn't know you were there. What's the harm in just apologising for sitting on his feet?

There isn't any.

Debs75 · 29/03/2011 10:17

DP has that annoying knack of lying diagonallyc and his feet are always on my side. I just tend to sit on them or push them out the way.

saffy85 · 29/03/2011 10:18

Cheek at him telling you to fuck off when you almost sat on his feet. You didn't though, so what's his problem? I'd be tempted to sit on his head next time and fart but then I'm in a juvenile mood today

iamthere · 29/03/2011 10:19

YANBU, he's being a nob. Definitely do the waking thing to tell him your every movement ("I'm just going to blow my nose now, are you safely out of the way?") and he'll soon shut up. My OH is a bed hogger and I love my own space in bed so there's lots of elbowing and huffing from me in the early hours, but I don't swear at him. The "fuck off" would've really got my back up, especially as YOU had got up to comfort HIS child! Gggrr..

PureBloodMuggle · 29/03/2011 10:22

I often wonder why it seems to be the done thing that once you're in a confirmed relationship that we as people seem to thing bed sharing is needed. THough saying that I'm could get over that idea. DH has stopped smoking and last night I slept the whole entire night without being disturbed. First time in 265,765,432,465,431,321 years (give or take)

He's being plonker - however as thefurryone who the hell is reasonable at night!!? You are propbably irriated more than needed as you had broken sleep too.

Even so YANBU and I think that cantspel and StayingDavidTennantsGirl's idea is a very good one that might be just petty enough to make you feel better

evil chackle

Ephiny · 29/03/2011 10:23

Never mind 'bed sharing etiquette', I would be more bothered about the way he speaks to you, I think that's awful and completely unacceptable.

Ephiny · 29/03/2011 10:24

It's good to have the option of separate beds though, if you can. Sometimes I am just in no mood for bed sharing, or not feeling well, or we're going to bed/getting up at very different times, so we sleep in separate rooms. I have no idea why there seems to be such a taboo about this (though I realise it's not always possible if you don't have the space!)

bonkers20 · 29/03/2011 10:27

I don't think it's worth getting your knickers in a twist about. I think we can sometimes behave at night in a way which is not really representative of real life..."things always look different in the morning"...

I would talk about it with him in the day though, simply saying you were trying not to disturb him, didn't know his feet were there otherwise clearly you would not have sat on them. His feet wouldn't really be your choice of place to perch would they?!

Ask him what he would like you to do? Remind him that you are also 1/2 asleep.

I don't really get all this my half, your half thing. It's your shared bed. If you really need to define territory then as other have said, get a bigger bed and two duvets.

2babyblues · 29/03/2011 10:29

YANBU - especially as you were the one up with a baby while he was lucky enough to be sleeping!

nomoreheels · 29/03/2011 10:29

Being a bit annoyed/grumpy is fine, telling you to fuck off isn't.

Separate beds!! (That's what we do, we both sleep well now.)

OutrageousFlavourLikeFreesias · 29/03/2011 10:32

Okay, if he knew what he was saying then he was well out of order. "Fuck off" is not an acceptable thing to say to someone you love. Especially not when it was just over you almost (not even actually!) sitting on his feet.

However...does he have form for sleep-talking? I'm only asking because I regularly talk nonsense in the middle of the night and can rarely remember it in the morning. Nothing I say has anything to do with any of my real feelings or opinions. I just have this incredibly bolshy, obnoxious, paranoid alter ego who only comes out when I'm asleep.

I'd ask him if he remembers the incident. If he does, then he needs to apologise. But if he was genuinely just rabbiting away while sound asleep, it's not really worth staying mad with him.

PureBloodMuggle · 29/03/2011 10:33

or an evil cackle even.

Not entirely sure what a chackle is, whatever it is it was done with wickedness in mind.

For what it's worth the situation would have been OK if it he hadn't told you to F off

diddl · 29/03/2011 10:34

If he was that asleep-how did he notice that OP nearly sat on his feet?

Does he always overreact like this?

You need a kingsize with a matress & duvet each.

BarbarianMum · 29/03/2011 10:35

Dh and I have a deal that what is said in the middle of the night, stays in the middle of the night. This has probably saved our marriage - we are both esp. touchy at 3am and obnoxious with it. Can just about hold it together with the children - yes love, mummy/daddy will get you a drink/find your pillow/teddy etc etc but then with each other snarl, snarl, snarl.

Original poster

MeRightYouWrongMeBigYouSmall · 29/03/2011 11:05

I love the idea of announcing loudly "darling, I'm about to sit down so move" but unfortunately I fear this would disrupt dd even more - she seems to become more awake and want to play if she hears my voice in the night so I try to keep it as quiet as possible in order to settle her.

DD is moving into her own room in the next few weeks anyway so unlikely that i'll be sitting at the foot of our bed with her in future.

I knew that he was being largely unreasonable by telling me to Fuck Off and this won't go without a mention.

In answer to FabbyChic and her angry sounding amazing post "To be fair how the fuck was he supposed to know you had got out of bed anyway? "

Just by the fact that he moved his feet before I sat down suggests that he was awake so IMO knew exactly what he was doing/saying, so should've moved his bloomin feet anyway.

FWIW - the room was dark and we have 2 thick double duvets on the bed so impossible to actually see where his feet were anyway (and I was half asleep without my glasses on!)

I believe he was being unreasonable but also agree with BarbarianMum "what is said in the middle of the night, stays in the middle of the night"

Consider my knickers untwisted :)

OP posts:

poopnscoop · 29/03/2011 11:43

Were my husband to say f off ONCE to me, ever, I would be livid. That's awful in itself.

It's not such a big deal, these things happen - we have the 'you stole the bed covers last night' chatter often... haha... it's just the way the cookie crumbles. But it was YOUR side of the bed, so he IBU imo.

Flip