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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DDs friends pulling down her pants!

21 replies

Jezabelle · 28/03/2011 20:51

DD1 (neally 5) went round to play with neighbour whilst another neighbour was there. They are both girls 3 years older then them. She told me laughing tonight that they were both pulling donw her pants and "they saw my minnie!" She seemed to find it funny.

I just feel weird about it. I know they're just normal girls, but I can't help feeling she was being taken advantage of and degraded without her even realising!

AIBU??

OP posts:

Cantgetmyarseoffthesofa · 28/03/2011 20:54

I wouldn't like it either!

I would be uncomfortable with the girls being older than mine and doing this. At 8 they're old enough to know better.

raindroprhyme · 28/03/2011 20:55

Just explain to her about her body being hers etc.

ddubsgirl · 28/03/2011 20:57

son had it done to him on school bus,this is with 14 yr olds not a matter of knowing better they do it to embaress the person having it done to them.

strandedpolarbear · 28/03/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

strandedpolarbear · 28/03/2011 20:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabbyChic · 28/03/2011 21:01

Eight year olds should know better, and I would have a word with the parents as it is totally not appropriate behaviour. I'd be well miffed.

RatherBeOnThePiste · 28/03/2011 21:04

One of DD's friends did this to DS when they were 8 and he was three. I was furious. She was an only child, no dad around, maybe she was curious but he was devastated.

Sassybeast · 28/03/2011 21:04

If my 8 year old did that to a younger child I would be furious. I think it's really important to teach kids about respecting their own bodies and those of other people

tazmosis · 28/03/2011 21:05

I think your instincts are right - it's taking advantage of your daughter and is bullying. I'd have a word with the parents.

Original poster

Jezabelle · 28/03/2011 21:10

Was just my DD who had her pants pulled down so far as I can make out. I would agree with the bullying thing if she didn't like it, but in her innocents she found it funny. Can that be bullying?

I did tell her that she shouldn't let them do that to her, but she was completely perplexed by that, couldn't see what was wrong with it and I didn't want to make her feel like the naughty one. I told her that it's private and it's only ok for mummy or daddy to pull her knickers down or another person who's looking after her if she wants them to.

I think I will have a chat to her mum though. Really don't want it happening again.

OP posts:

daimbardiva · 28/03/2011 21:12

I would definitely talk to the parents - even if your little girl is not upset, the older ones are still taking advantage of her. It's not acceptable at all.

Bubbaluv · 28/03/2011 22:08

Hmm, I would still happily run around nude at 8 (in an all girl environment) let alone 5, so the "inappropriate/taking advantage" thing would not have made much sense to me.
I would address it with the girls but describe it as teasing rather than getting into the whole "Private Parts" thing. Just telling them that they are expected to look after their younger friend rather than teasing her.
Would you have been worried if they had been lofting her t-shirt and showing her tummy? If not then I think it might be worth considering whether you might be projecting a too-adult perception on this situation.

Original poster

Jezabelle · 28/03/2011 22:32

Thanks for your post Bubbaluv, it's interesting to read another point of view. I agree that I would not have been concerned about them showing her tummy, and as far as she's concerned that would be similar, (although she is starting to get the idea that bottoms and minnies are to be giggled about in a way tummies aren't!), but I think the fact that the girls who were doing it knew that there was a difference, which is probably why they weren't doing it to each other or themselves does make a difference. Because of this I think she was slightly taken advantage of.

I do however agree that to have a too detailed discussion with my DD about "private parts" etc would be too much for her age. I have plenty of frank chats with her about body parts, what they do, how they change etc, (she is very curious!) but would not want to make her too self conscious of her body too early.

I would certainly not try and talk to the older girls involved as I think this is a job for their mums, but when I explain what has happened, I'll try not to be too OTT about it.

OP posts:

meditrina · 28/03/2011 22:43

If this was a one-off incident of misplaced silliness, then I think bullying might be too strong a word. You seem to be saying that your DD wasn't distressed, which suggests to me it wasn't done to be nasty.

That doesn't mean it should be ignored. Perhaps you could might consider saying something to your DD along the lines of: "Bottoms are private".

How well do you know the other parents? All the children might benefit from this message, but it would be a thorny one to raise.

manicinsomniac · 29/03/2011 01:16

I don't think I would see this as bullying behaviour at all. maybe not even wrong behaviour. Both 8 and 5 are very little.

I remember playing at comparing vaginas with my sister and cousins when I was nearly 10! We were just interested to see what they looked like, it didn't feel unnatural.

My 8 and nearly 4 year old girls walk around the house naked without a second thought.

The girls at the school where I teach (7-13 year olds) get changed in a cmmunal changing room with staff around. When they're being silly the 7 and 8 year olds will run around the changing rooms naked and I've even seen them playing catch with knickers.

Children are innocent and I think that's nice. They only see 'private' parts as private because we tell them that they are. Pre puberty I don't see the need for them to cover up.

Bubbaluv · 29/03/2011 03:28

Are they generally nice girls? Do you think they would have behaved differently if your DD had been upset by it?
If so, then don't embarrass/shame them for what was probably a totally innocent game.
They all had fun, no harm done.

Skinit · 29/03/2011 08:01

This is why I don't let mine play with older kids....not that they''re perverts or anything but they DO take aadvantage of the younger ones.....I wouldn't let her go there anymore if the older ones are around.

Skinit · 29/03/2011 08:02

Manic...8 is nothing like 4.

goodbyemrschips · 29/03/2011 08:04

I would be furious, my son would never ever do anything like that, at 8 they are more than old enought to know about private parts.

See the parents. defo.

Original poster

Jezabelle · 29/03/2011 09:22

Catch the knickers I would have absolutely no problem with. If they were all running around naked (eg paddling pool out or something) I would be absolutely fine with that. In fact last year, I had half a dozen children in my garden from 1-9 years all naked in and out the paddling pool. No problem what-so-ever; very natural and innocent. It really was just the idea that she was being taken advantage of by older children who were not joining in.

She was not distressed and as a result I will not bring it up with my DD again, (but obviously will discuss it if she does). I don't want her becoming too aware too quickly.

In answer to your question Bubbaluv, the girls who she played with are just normal girls. Not angels, not little devils! One of them has been through quite a lot in the past few years and as a result her behaviour is sometimes questionable.

I know one of the parents well and it was in her house so I'll mention it to her. I actually think she wouldn't want her DD doing this to a younger child so think she'd like to be told.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 29/03/2011 09:49

Do talk to the mother. There is a massive difference between 8 and 5 some bigger ones think it's very funny to be mean to small kids because they're too silly to do anything about it. It doesn't matter that she thought it was funny - you know better. And don't let 'been through a lot' be an excuse either. It's nasty behaviour and not the way friends are supposed to act.

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