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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to find this all a little odd....

22 replies

unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 18:51

DS has come back from his dads. We split up before he was born, he had his 8th birthday this week.

His dad picks him up from school on a Friday and takes none of DS's clothes/things from home as he has a full wardrobe of clothes there (I admit this irriates me partly because he has paid me the same amount of maintenance for all of DS's life - dropping it in order to save for a house with his wife and never raising it again - even when I asked and knew he was in a decent job and could afford to - and it is not a large sum that he gives me).

Every weekend when he brings DS back he waits in the hall for DS to go upstairs and get changed out of the clothes he is wearing from their house. Including this week when DS came home wearing a football shirt of his favorite team which had his name of the back (obviously a bday gift), and he takes these clothes away with him and they won't be worn again until DS goes back in two weeks.

He has been allowed to bring none of his gifts home (he goes their twice a month and shares a room there with his younger sibling).

His dad said he wanted a bird for his birthday (they have a menagerie of odd pets themselves). I said it wasn't a good idea as he wouldn't be able to have it here as I don't want a caged bird in the house on principle as I don't like to see birds in cages and I have a cat.

Hes come back saying he has indeed been given a Canary (it has stayed there which makes me question if any of his presents are actually for him anyway Hmm- although this time it is a relief).

I feel quite pissed off about this as I clearly and nicely told him I would prefer he didn't have a bird for various reasons and having a pet there that he sees twice a month is not teaching him anything about being a responsible per owner.

Is this coupled with the clothes things all a bit weird (I have spare clothes here for when my DSD's visit but they wear their own clothes the majority of the time) and do I need to try and tackle it or am I just a grumpy unreasonable cow?! Confused

OP posts:
hardhatdonned · 27/03/2011 18:54

Your ex sounds identical to mine so can i join you on the grumpy cow bench?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 18:57

Yes hardhat Grin

Is this normal behaviour? I just wonder if my DS feels like he has to have two completely separate lives and if its a bit unhealthy for him.

He did say there are a lot of people in his life and its a bit confusing sometimes.......

OP posts:
origamirose · 27/03/2011 18:59

Re the clothes - yes, it's weird but you've put up with it for 8 years
Re the bird - just be grateful you don't have to clean the cage every week. If you want your DS to learn about being a responsible pet owner then get him a pet that stays at yours.

hardhatdonned · 27/03/2011 19:00

My DC is a little younger than yours but everything else is identical in how their lives are right down to the seperate wardrobes at each house, no bringing presents home to be played with, presents being bought for 'DC' but DC never plays with them....

I wonder what goes through some mens heads to think this is acceptable behaviour. Are they actually on an ante-mumsnet site that tells them how to be dickish ex's?

OR

Are our ex's actually just the same person?! Hmm Shock

beesimo · 27/03/2011 19:02

In view of the fact your x is still in constant contact with his DS after this length of time I feel you must of made great efforts to be reasonable already. Just rise above all of this billy bonkers stuff at the end of the day it is all a bit ridiclous by the sound of it. Ignore whenever possible and just go with the flow. I do think your X loves his son and none of this petty nonsense should cloud that.

The mans clearly a crackpot but at least he is a crackpot who cares!

LaurieFairyCake · 27/03/2011 19:03

Yes, this is normal for utter wankers that don't put their children first.

And the children will notice and be pissed off with this eventually. And they then prefer the non-cunty one.

ZillionChocolate · 27/03/2011 19:04

Arguably having clothes at his dad's will make your DS feel that it's home, rather than just being a visitor. I would suggest promising to send him back in the same clothes when he next sees his dad, rather than having to change on his return.

hardhatdonned · 27/03/2011 19:06

Being in an identical situation to the OP i can vouch for the not being able to take presents 'home' as being a HUGE issue for the child, particularly at christmas.

Why should children have to wait until they are adults to 'appreciate' a parent?

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 19:07

He is a great dad - he just wasn't right for me - I have 2 exes (so maybe am not a great partner either Confused) and I just think sometimes all the lip biting pisses me off Hmm. I feel a bit sad for my DS that he has to leave everything there - esp wh but am of the view that it is up to him to say something to his dad if it upsets him

Hardhat - definately not the same man he only has one other child and is with the mother :o

Maybe someone wrote a book for them How to Be an Irritating Ex and Influence People......

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 19:08

Sorry esp when its new....

OP posts:
Rowan49 · 27/03/2011 19:09

To be fair I think if he wants a pet and the dad doesn't mind having it there then that's okay (personally I feel as you do about caged birds though.) The presents are a different matter and that is a shame x

hardhatdonned · 27/03/2011 19:10

ha ha ha i know unsurevalentine my ex only has one child and that child is mine :)

4FoxAche · 27/03/2011 19:13

Hey, it's not just men who are like this.

My dss's mum won't let him wear his own clothes here at his dads or indeed bring anything just in case, and in her words "his bitches kids get their germs on them"

Anyway, moving on. The clothes thing a bit odd yes, the bird thing, very odd. Why buy him something, anything that he can only see/use twice a month?

We buy dss birthday and Xmas gifts obviously but he's allowed to choose what he takes home and what he leaves.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 19:15

My other ex lets my DC's choose too - which is fine.

I felt a bit insulted today and wondered what they thought I was going to do with the football top - wear it? Its not even as if my other DS would want to ear it as he hates football and would rather die than wear something bearing his younger brothers name!

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 27/03/2011 19:15

The clothes thing is a bit weird - have you posted about this before? If not then you aren't the only one dealing with it, as I'm sure I've read a similar post before.

I think DH and I risked having that issue - because whatever clothes we bought DSDs would be 'hidden' by DH's exW Angry and they'd end up wearing really awful stuff (hand me downs from their nan FFS!). It was the same with gifts. I once bought DSS a book and inscribed it, exW put a label over it and wrote that it was from her :(

But we rode it out and once they got to about 10 it was easier as they had control over what they bought and wore. We bought a supply of undies, PJs and slouchy clothes but they obviously get gradually swapped with their stuff from home.

MissusF · 27/03/2011 19:17

Must admit we did the same over clothes, we picked DGd up from school on a Friday, so was in uniform, if we didnt take her clothes back with us when we dropped off, then she ended up with no clothes at our place (and we never saw them again)

presents, it depended, we didnt allow her to take expensive presents home (he StepFather would sell them, or take them from he3r and give to his son) but stuff that he wouldnt be interested in she took home.

Sometimes there are reasons.

Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 19:19

Freudian - I have bought things like slippers and toothbrushes for my DSD's that I would prefer not to go back home as they wouldn't come back as their mum is lovely but finds it hard to pack a suitcase with weather appropraite or vauguely matching clothes - gifts are for them and up to them what they do with them.

Whole wardrobe is just weird and extreme.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsurevalentine · 27/03/2011 19:21

Yes but in fairness to me MissusF I am not going to sell stuff and neither is anyone else and they know that. he has a DS there that he wasn't allowed to bring back and when he asked if he could he was told it was the "family" DS even tough it had been a birthday gift {hmm].

OP posts:
silverfrog · 27/03/2011 19:24

we had this form the other side - right up until the children were adults.

my step children's mother woudl never let them bring toys fform her house to dh's house. she owuld pack an odd assortment of clothes (literally - random socks, not enough t shirts. trousers 2 years grown out of etc).

dh started out happily buying them the odd thing. the dcs woudl then say they needed to take it home, as they only had odd socks/small pyjamas/whatever. it was never seen again, and the next weekend, the same woudl happen.

so he started insisting clothes that he bought stayed at his (basics - extra tops eg form a holiday outing, or a day out the dcs coudl do what they liked with - usually htey chose to take them home, and they were never seen again, or met with a "washing accident" Hmm)

toys: when they were very small, dh would buy something, and hten an extra toy to stay at his, as otherwise they had literally nothing to play with when with him. the same thing happened with toys - once they were back at thier mum's house, they were then not "allowed" to bring them on access weekends. so dh had to buy more stuff Hmm

it is little wonder he ended up saying things had to stay at his (although not normally presents. even though that meant that other than the day they got them, he never got to share them with the dc)

NOT saying that you are doing the same as dh's ex, OP, but just wanted ot point out that weird parents are just that: weird. they may be exes, they may have majority residency, they may be the NRP. there's nowt so queer as folk, as they say, and it is not always the NRP who are the weirdest, ime.

AllDirections · 27/03/2011 19:26

If my DDs want to bring clothes home from their dads they smuggle them home, i.e. either under the clothing they're wearing or in their bags.

I'm happy for them to take stuff from home when they're going to stay with him. If they don't bring it back they have to live without it.

It's a sad state of affairs when XH/XP thinks that the DCs belongings actually belong to him/her rather than the children. Very controlling IMO!

JustaNickname · 27/03/2011 19:28

My ex does the same thing. I used to send clothes with my ds to his dads house until I was told it wasn't required anymore (my ex lives with his parents and its his mother that said this). They also bought him a bird about a month ago. My ds is 4 :/

zest01 · 27/03/2011 22:23

We also have ths from the other side - sk's are not allowed to bring stuff from home (they too have been known to "sneak" things) to ours and if they take anything from ours home it goes in the bin, even pants and socks. Yes it is very odd but sadly not uncommon. It can happen both ways round. I think anyone who behaves that way needs to get a life!

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