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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be pissed off with my mothers attitude to men?

10 replies

Bogeyface · 27/03/2011 09:41

So, last week our cooker gives up the ghost. It was leaking gas and would cost more than the price of a new one to fix. Effing shite timing as we are saving to get our car fixed that has been off the road since Xmas, bloody typical. We get offered an almost brand new one by the friend of a friend who is selling it due to a move. Real bargain, am v happy. Mum offers to go and fetch it. I cant do lifting due to my SPD and pg, and Dad cant due to his eye problems, so I said that DH will go with her and I will stay here with Dad. This was yesterday.

She was HORRIFIED, in capital letters! She tried to persuade me to go and I coudnt work out why, pointing out that I probably wouldnt fit in the car with them and the cooker etc. And she said "Well you need to see it dont you? [DH] wont have a clue will he?" to which I said that I had seen a couple of photos kindly emailed by the seller and it looked really nice and just what I am after. So then she goes on about What if it doesnt work etc and that men have no idea about these things and then said "Well I wouldnt let your dad do something like that on his own"

Which said it all for me. She has always treated him like a slightly thick child. She nags him insessantly yet moans like hell when he shows no initiative. We are talking about a man who is a specialist in his field and recently stepped down from a director level post because the travel was getting to him. He is not a stupid man, but she has spent the last 40 years treating him like an idiot! It has always annoyed me, and dad just goes along with it and keeps his head down for a quiet life. But to assume that all men are like this is insulting. DH was actually quite annoyed, and he does get on well with my mum normally. When they got there she started giving the seller the third degree and DH ended up feeling embarassed, not least because she made him feel like a small child who couldnt be trusted.

I had said that I trust him to make the right decision and that I know no more about gas appliances than he does so the first we will know if it doesnt work is after it has been installed so what difference did it make? And she was shocked, genuinely shocked that I trust DH to sort this out all on hid own.

I know that there isnt anything I can do, but I am really pissed off and cant seem to shake that feeling this morning! I dont want to cause a row about what she did yesterday when they were fetching it as they have been really kind, helping out with lifts etc and providing us with hot meals since the cooker packed in. They have done alot to help us and I really dont it seem like we dont appreciate it. But on the other hand, I want to defend DH. Should I say something or let it drop and fume quietly?!

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 27/03/2011 09:43

ignore terrible spelling, had a bad night :o

OP posts:
Gauchitaconpanza · 27/03/2011 09:49

Sad for your dad, Bogey. Both my grandfathers were treated like this by my GMs and it broke my heart to witness that.

You know your mother best, of course, but maybe saying nothing is best. At least my experience is they really don't see it, won't see it and nothing you say will make them see it, which is deeply irritating nonetheless.

Sorry, don't think I've helped much Grin

mousymouse · 27/03/2011 09:50

yanbu - I have a mother like that and she drives me mad! silly cow.
smile and nod and send your dh anyway.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 27/03/2011 09:52

YANBU - your mum sounds like a mare dominant and directive woman.

No advice - my mum is the absolute opposite - worships men - might as well have doormat written on her back.

Animation · 27/03/2011 09:56

Maybe it would be healthier to speak out and tell your mum to stop being so mean to your dad, and men in general.

BornAgainDomesticGoddess · 27/03/2011 09:57

"She has always treated him like a slightly thick child. She nags him insessantly yet moans like hell when he shows no initiative."

I treat my DH like this. And before you start, I didn't when we first got together, I treated him with the same respect I'd treated all my boyfriends. However, as time went by, I noticed that he was absolutely completely useless and didn't have an ounce of initiative. Literally, my DH will not do anything unless I ask him to. And even then I have to nag him. I have been asking him weekly since August to pick up the suitcases from the floor and put them on the top of the wardrobe (I've got a slipped disc so can't do it). They are still sitting there Angry.

Sorry, I have sidetracked a bit. I would like to add though, that I blame their parents in most cases, not us DW's for the way they are.

Hope you get your cooker sorted, anyway.

twopeople · 27/03/2011 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Bogeyface · 27/03/2011 12:09

DomesticGoddess, I see what you are saying but my Dad is perfectly capable and manages perfectly well when she isnt there. He just doesnt bother when she is there because she picks holes in everything he does and this, to her, proves that she is right! LAst night he made us dinner and it wasnt the right colour for her. Honestly! It was a stirfry thing and she moaned like hell that it was paler than normal. It was a lovely meal and she ruined it, especially for him, by her moaning and saying that he should or shouldnt have done XYandZ.

She was away for a few days and when she came back she was going around the house as if she was looking for something. I was there as I had picked her up as Dad was working. I said whats up, she said nothing. Dad then got back, saw her and said "Dont worry, she is trying to find what I did wrong" and she blushed and denied it but it was so obvious he was right.

She hates him thinking for himself as it will be wrong, but then says that she shouldnt have to nag him. He cant do right for doing wrong and I really resent the way she expects me to treat DH the same!

OP posts:
Animation · 27/03/2011 14:21

Bogey - I'd be intereested to know how you might deal with the situation. My mum's a bit similar - and I butt in now and again when she puts my dad down, but I wish he would stand up for himself. Saying that, if she turns it back on me sometimes he doesn't stand up for me either- he's a bit of a coward. So then I think why bother - leave them to it!

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/03/2011 14:37

Bogey - it's mad isn't it?!

... but I think you would be wasting your time saying anything and possibly upsetting her over something that is so ingrained it wont change. Just roll your eyes and get on with it would be my advice :)

Your Dad is an adult - he can either continue to live with it how it is or challenge it, that's up to him - nothing you can do about the dynamics of their relationship.

As for your DH - just tell him that you aren't going to cause a row with your Mum over these things and he's not to take it personally... x

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