To not make any effort to contact my MIL as she clearly isnt bothered about my kids.

[lilbongo]

This is a long complicated story but I could do with some non emotional opinions.
About 11 years ago my DH cut all contact with my MIL. He had good reason to do this which I can't go into on here as it will make it too obvious who I am. I have also name changed.
He didn't cut contact in a dramatic way he just stopped contacting her and didn't attend family events where she would be. She sent him a birthday card and present about 10 years ago but that was the only contact we have had in all that time.
One of DHs siblings has been understandably upset by this split in their family. They have tried a number of times over the years to build bridges by suggesting that DH contact his Mother and when our children were born they wanted us to send pictures. But never in all this time have we had any contact from MIL. We have heard how she is heartbroken and can't face any more rejection. Since she has had no contact with us I wonder where and when this rejection has occurred.
In the last few weeks we have been contacted again by DHs sibling wanting me to send pictures of the kids to MIL and a letter. I discussed it with DH and he said he doesn't want any pictures sent but emailed his sibling saying that we haven't had any contact from MIL and therefore will not be sending anything.
MIL has told this sibling that all the letters she sent have been ripped up and she can't take the rejection any more. She sent one letter in over 10 years and DH would never have ripped it up.
I think if MIL can not be bothered to make contact herself I am not going to make any effort myself. She is the adult in this relationship not DH.
Am I being unreasonable?

I would STAY THE HELL OUT of it if I were you

Otherwise you will end up with all of them feeding off you, you will be exhausted and miserable and it will achieve nothing whatsoever

I mean this as friendly advice. Just enjoy your kids and leave dh's loopy family for dh to deal with.

Well ... your dh decided all those years ago to cut contact. Either he still feels that way, or he doesn't.

If he does then I suggest he writes to his Mum/your mil, explaining why and leaves it at that.

Your dh's sibling doesn't deserve to be caught up in all this.

Thanks that is my feeling exactly - I do want to stay out of it completely. I just have great sympathy for DHs sibling.
DH will not write to his MIL. I think he is not angry he just wants nothing to do with her.

If the MIL really cared she would show up at your house to at least try to make contact. It sounds like she does not deserve contact. I would stay out of it and support your OH completely.

Well, you are in a very uncomfortable position thats clear.

If your Dh doesnt want contact then you need to respect that i spose, but still, i feel for you, it must be awkward to say the least.

Im not sure i would be judging the MIL as "not interested" maybe there is more to it than you know.

Best advice i think has been given, stay out of it, and leave them to it.

How can the OP 'STAY THE HELL OUT of it' when she's married to this womans son littlepig?

I think you have to be guided by what your DH wants OP.

She sounds like the 'woe is me' type, isn't everyone terrible to me, what have I done to deserve it blah blah.

Just carry on as you are and cross the bridge of your MIL contacting you if you ever come to it.

The relative sounds caring, but you can't force relationships.

If the reason for your dh's cutting contact were very serious, then it may be that he may never want to have his mother in his life again. He may feel so strongly that it would be important to him to not have his children near her.

His sibling doesn't respect his position and it sounds like his mother is now stirring up a storm.

If yourself and dh could get together and have a talk about how he wants to handle it, it would help you to move forward. Its his mother/family, so its up to him really.

YADNBU in not having contact with MIL if its for a good reason.

She sounds like my grandmother, and I use the words 'grand' and 'mother' very loosely when referring to her :(

OP - I think she is not adding anything to the life of you, your DH or your DC's, so stay out of it. She clearly is interested in the drama and not actually building a relationship.

Cut your losses, focus on those who are important to you, and stick by your DH.

If his siblings are interfering then he'll need to have a word with them, but overall it isn't their business really.

You have my empathy.

How old are your DC? Are they young and she has started to realise what she is missing out on maybe?

In your DHs position I think I would write a short and simple letter to his mother saying that he feels that he doesn't want to have contact with her and maybe why that is but that he feels it is unfair to keep involving the sibling as it won't change the situation anyway. (obv better worded than that though!)

I don't think its as simple to say 'she is the adult' because your DH is an adult now too. If it is causing problems for his siblings I think he should clarify the situation. If that means saying 'I don't want to see you' then he should say it and at least get the sibling off the hook IYSWIM.

We have a similar situation in my family and the mother has been cut out of the lives of the sons family but has never been told why. She can't come to terms with it because she doesn't understand it. If her son had the balls to speak/write to her and say 'I don't want anything to do with you because...' then she'd be hurt but she wouldn't wonder everyday what had happened. As it is though she continues to hope it'll all come good in the end and pesters others in the family to try to find out what the issues are.

It is not up to you, OP, to fix things. If the sibling contacts you direct then I would reiterate what you know about the letters (ie that only one has been sent and that DH would never tear up letters), and then say 'But in the end this is between DH and MIL'. Because it is.

She is the adult in this relationship not DH

No, you are ALL adults, behaving like stroppy teens.

"She is the adult in this relationship not DH."

what age is he then, 10?

You can't force relationships.

my dh does not speak to his mum. i forced him to invite her to our wedding, she did not come- was 'a bit busy around that time'- she lives an hour and half away. we have 3 kids, she came to see the first when she was a week old, again i forced for it- telling dh she was entitled to have a relationship with her grandchild etc, whilst there i invited her to dds christening- she didn't come- no rsvp, nothing- didn't bother. we have gone to stay at dh's brothers, 5 minutes from her house, lots of times- she does not come over to see the kids. about 2 years ago, i requested her as a friend on fb, through dbil, she accepted, i msgd her, she did not reply. i am pretty sure she looks at phots of the kids when i post them, put she doesn't comment or msg me or anything. i have now realised that i can't change her, and can't make her and dh's relationship better. it is her loss, we have 3 lovely young children, and her 'd's is very happy. i only say all this, because she sounds very similar to ur own mil and dh brother, has had to accept dh has no relationship with her, even though he himself does.

Thanks for all your replies - I will read them all properly but I have to pop out now (we are not in the UK).
ssd - I meant that isn't the parent always the adult in a parent child relationship? If it was my child that was refusing to talk to me I would sit on their door step until they did. Or at least make as much effort as possible.

no, lilbongo, somewhere along the way we all have to grow up and accept our parents as being as flawed as we are

its sounds like you ALL still have a lot of growing up to do

can you just email siblings and let them know that MIL only wrote once ten years ago and DP didn't tear the letter up.

Thanks for all the replies. I appreciate the different viewpoints. Yes skyblue pearl DH let his sibling know that she has only written the once and we have had no contact from them since.

dottyhenson - it does sound like a very similar situation. I don't think DH wants a relationship with his Mother. Despite the fact i keep making him consider what he would feel like when she goes he just doesn't want anything to do with her.

ssd - shouldn't there be give on both sides. I have offerred to put my children in touch with MIL through me. I suggested that she write to them and I will help them reply with photos. This was negotiated through Dhs sibling. We have heard nothing for 4 months since this was first put forward.

I have not had anything to do with my mother or father for three years. They don't even know my address or telephone number. When they go they go. They had their chance when I was a child, I gave them 30 years after that they don't deserve anything else.

They couldn't even be bothered to send my kids cards when we fell out, so I can't be bothered with them, the only one it bothers is my son, gave his number via my brother to my Dad and he hasn't bothered.

Tells me exactly where my children stand.

I'm happy to have no contact, leave your husband be, he made his decision it's your place to stand beside him not try to cajole him into doing something he doesn't want to do.

I agree with madamdeathstare

you know you've made an effort, leave it at that and support your husband in this. I would be furious it I fell out with someone and everyone around me was trying to 'fix' the situation.