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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect more from

23 replies

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:32

my DH ex at the moment? I am 41+10 days pregnant and this is our weekend to have ss which is not a problem. BUT if I go into labour we will have to take him back to her, she has basically said she doesn't see why we can't keep him here since we are having a home birth ???? I have to add he is 12 and doesn't want to be here at the best times. I certainly wont feel comfortable with him here and I am more than sure he wont either.

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lesley33 · 26/03/2011 12:34

I think it is fair enough to take him back to his mum. His mum may be thinking that if he was your son that you would have him at home anyway - and by returning him to her you are treating him differently to how you would treat your own son. But you would keep your own son at home because you would have noi choice.

So YANBU

slartybartfast · 26/03/2011 12:35

it might build bridges?

she seems a tad unreasoanble though.

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:37

Thanks ... If he was our son I would still be tempted to have a friend/neighbour or family member on stand by I think. What if we have to go into hospital in an emergency etc.
In my experience his mum just likes to not have the responsibility of having him but thats another story .. poor thing =0)

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nickelbabyhatcher · 26/03/2011 12:38

yanbu to expect more from him.

however, with your step daughter, is it?, i would let her hang around - even if it'sjust making tea in the kitchen- i know you feel less comfortable wit her around, but it might be the thing that makes her feel part of the family, instead of a spare.

nickelbabyhatcher · 26/03/2011 12:38

step son sorry!

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:38

slarty, there are no limits to her she is always unreasonable ... bridges are not going to be built here the water between is way too high .. i tried to start with ...

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slartybartfast · 26/03/2011 12:41

does she have plans to go out?

squeakytoy · 26/03/2011 12:43

does he have grandparents who would like to see him?

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:45

She never says and we dont expect to know really, The only time we know what she is up to is when she texts ten minutes before drop off time to say she is not there and wont be till the next day or later (longest is 4 days extra). Have to say here I dont mind having him he is no problem but I just feel this time is the one time that it should be about me and the baby. Also most women I would have thought would have sympathy with the situation really.

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thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 12:47

Gosh, I think if I had a 12yo son, I would ship him out to grandparents/friends rather than stay in to watch or hear a home birth! But perhaps that's me being oversensitive. Him being a stepson makes it a touch worse - I should think it would be the last place he'd want to be, poor boy!

His mother sounds as though she doesn't want her own plans disrupted for the weekend - are there any grandparents available? or parents of friends who would have him for a while if necessary? Seeing as how his mother doesn't care enough about him to save him from this potentially traumatising experience!

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:47

squeaky grandparents are 170 miles away ..
Nikel - he doesnt know how to make tea he is 'going on 8' and I dont actually think I would be relaxed enough with him in the house .. and i dont want him to watch ..

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Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:49

thumb - my point exactly, but no options really other than back to mum she does live in the same village however so wouldn't take long.

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thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 12:49

Is your mum coming to help out? Or anyone else? Or is it just going to be you and your DH there for the birth?

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:50

just the two of us basically and the midwives, mum died 15 years ago =0(.

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thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 12:50

but at 12 he must have friends in the village as well - do you know any of them, their parents, can he perhaps go and spend some time with one of them instead of with you?
obviously not if it's 3am when the baby comes...

thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 12:52

sorry, x-posting all over the place. :( re your mum - I take it your ILs don't want to be around (and you probably don't want them to be) but it would be a help if they had decided to come down, even if they stayed in a B&B - they could take their DGS out and meet the new baby (assuming it comes this weekend of course!) - double whammy!

ChaoticAngelofDenial · 26/03/2011 12:52

YANBU Hopefully, everything will go according to plan but if you do need to go to hospital then you need your DH there with you, able to concentrate on you and not worry about finding someone to keep an eye on SS. Plus, as you have said, you will feel more relaxed which will help to ensure a more straightforward birth.

Is there anyone, a friend perhaps, who will be willing and able to have your SS if you do go into labour.

Totally agree with thumb's post too.

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 12:57

He says he doesn't have any friends and the only people he stays with are us or her she is a bit odd in my opinion but hey.
The in-laws are great but at 76/79 it would be a bit of a long haul for them.
We have friends that have said they will help but the lad is slightly difficult at the best of times with people.
I hope it does come this weekend jolly fed up to be honest! =0)
lets just hope she pulls her finger out and accepts it just this once.
There are lots of things I would change about the situation and would rather have him here full time to be honest but its a long story and not for now .. I dont want to push him away at all.

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thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 13:03

poor boy - I feel sorry for him, I do. Not because of you but because it sounds like he has a rough time of it at home, and to not have any friends at 12 is just very sad.

Thing is, I wouldn't put it past her to go away this weekend so that you can't take him back there. :(

Just trying to think of alternatives - does he have his own room? does he have a tv/dvd player in there? could you if you absolutely had to just let him stay in his room with earphones on, or is he not that compliant?
I assume you'd be in your bedroom for the homebirth, would you? He wouldn't intrude in there without permission, surely.

I am actually quite hoping for you that the baby does come in the middle of the night - chances are he'll sleep through it! So long as you have someone on standby who could "babysit" for him if you did need to go to the hospital.

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 13:26

I do too Thumb, there are so many more things and times that I worry about believe me but I dont feel I can say anything much.
Seems like his mum really wants him to be reliant on her completely, he has stopped all the outside clubs and sports he used to do lately and spends all of his time indoors. She is a large lady with mobility problems and it seems like it is good for her to have him reliant so she can effectively rely on him when she is completely immobile in the near future.
I dont believe it would take long to 'fix' him if he came to live with us but it has to be his decision I think.
He wouldn't stay in his room, we have a pool in the front room for the birth ... she isnt going away anywhere she just see's it as her right to comment on everything we do and at every instance tries to emotionally blackmail my DH. I have a good enough relationship with ss to know he is happy about the baby yet last week she was trying to make us feel as if we were pushing him out because she needed to go shopping and had no one to have him while she went?
I hope she just gets the hint =0( x

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thumbwitch · 26/03/2011 13:35

Lord, I doubt he would leave his mother under those circumstances - he'd feel guilty as anything for abandoning her! :(
Well, if she's not going anywhere then in reality she has NO excuse for not taking him back in if necessary, so sad though it is for all concerned, she is just going to have to suck it up this once.

I hope it all goes well for you and am very pleased for you that your DSS is happy about the baby - perhaps, if he does have to go back to his mum, you can get him back over again as soon after the baby arrives as you can cope with, so he can see his new brother or sister? That would be lovely for him (I think!)

Original poster

pfilfaerie · 26/03/2011 13:50

I am with you totally on that and that would be the plan ..
Its all a bit of a bad situation =0(
x

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Original poster

pfilfaerie · 13/04/2011 16:37

Just to update ... we have our beautiful new son who is divine and so far being a very contented baby. SS came over a day after he was born and met him and seemed fine, we got some nice photo's and we all talked about how he felt, he said his mum had 'talked about how he would be left out' but he said he was cool ...
Then last weekend was our weekend to have him, he was a different boy once again ... he came in asking for money and where we were going to take him. Saturday we went to town and I deliberately took the pram so I could leave him with his dad for a while, this however idn't work well as DH refused to give ss extra money because he had a 'new brother'. His mother let him down at the last minute again on Sunday and he had to stay an extra night much to his disgust. Then yesterday DH got a call from his ex saying that ss had been really very upset as all we had done is 'buy things for the baby and ignore him all weekend'. not really sure where we go from here, I am actually tempted to avoid all contact with ss at the moment. I dont like lying and i am not sure who is doing the lying! SS is a proven liar so is his mother, it is becoming harder and harder believe me! To top it all I found a picture marked Ruben (new baby) with a face and lips made out of a zip! All a bit strange ...

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