to find this article on motherhood inFURiating?

[BlooferLady]

Guardian writer in 'motherhood is hell' shock

Disclaimer: je suis TTCing. Erm, for a LONG time!

I didn't want children for years. YEARS! Was violently opposed to it And you know why? Because it looked like one long unending saga of drudgery, misery, isolation and loss of identity and self-respect (I have a large family and thus had the opportunity to observe its effects up close every 18 months or so).

We're TTCing now - hormones and a little wisdom took over, and I would very much like to be a mother. And yet here on MN and in the press I find my old terrors reinforced, and this article sums it all up. Everything I feared is true...

BUT IS IT? By the end of the article I wanted to slap the woman. She complains of her life dwindling to a miserable compressed world of perma-exhaustion, leaking breasts, nappy changes, never seeing her old friends, losing her sense of a professional life, only ever socialising with mothers and mother and toddler groups, bitterly envying women who still go to work, angry with her partner for not helping out round the house...

Someone PLEASE tell me it doesn't have to be like this. I wanted to yell at her, get out of the damn house and DO stuff you moaning bint! No-one MAKES you go to mother and toddler groups - put the creature in a sling and wander round the V&A! Let your partner do a bottle feed in the evening and go out for a boozy dinner! Do some work from home! MAKE your partner help out!

Surely there are people here on MN whose entire character isn't subsumed into the drudgery of being a mother? Who continue to be lively, interested in the larger world, engaged with their friends, interested in their career, happy in their relationships, still maintaining a sense of self and self-respect? For motherhood extends, informs, illuminates their life - doesn't effectively end it! Because if not, I don't want children. AIBU?!

Did anyone notice the Oliver James article also in the Guardian today; it effectively says that the higher your IQ the more likely you are to be unhappy, at first you enjoy achieving good exam results etc. but then anxiety about maintaining or improving your achievements sets in. I think the main cause of some womens' woes is status anxiety, people just don't tell you are doing a marvellous job as a mother (well my MIL does sometimes but she is unusual!), and you certainly don't get paid performance bonuses or get your name in the papers, rather you get ignored.

You have to be very good at enjoying simple things and not comparing your life to others to be happy as a mother, it has taken me a few years to manage this!

The article really annoyed me as well. The thing is, I vehemently agree with the central premise - maternity leave was the first time in my life that the government had said things had to be different for my husband and me because I was the woman, and that made me so angry. And I hated maternity leave (while DH was stuck in a job he hated).

However, once you get past the maternity leave bit, and get on to lots of women moaning that their husbands don't do enough childcare or housework - well, that's an issue for you and your husband! If your husband is such an idiot that he thinks housework is women's work, even once you're back at work, why did you marry him?

As I said, I hated maternity leave. But the division of housework in our house never changed - I do laundry, hoovering etc, DH does all the cooking, washing up, cleans the kitchen and mops the floors. DS is now two, I work part time so still look after him alone for two days a week, but the rest of the time everything is shared. DH changes just as many nappies, tells just as many stories, gets up every other morning with DS (who likes to start the day at 5am) and puts him to bed every other night. I wouldn't have wanted to have children with a man who wouldn't be willing to do that.

To the OP - there are times when it's really hard, yes. But it's completely worth it, and in my experience children just become more wonderful the older they get. DS was a really crying, frustrated baby, but the second he learned to crawl he almost changed personality, and now he's an adorable toddler that's really fun to look after. I never did the baby or toddler groups - I meet up with friends with children and we chat while they play, or meet work friends at lunchtime in toddler-friendly cafes.

Yabu, why isn't the writer allowed to think about her life as a mother and then tell other people about it?
Some people will feel the same as her. Reading her piece might interest, or even help them. If you don't feel the same, just move on!

I've just finished the actual article and think it is great. True for me, yes, but also intelligently written and at least some qualitative and quantitative data to back it up.

There are some interesting comments - I was impressed by this one:
This article is great, with a good balance in showing how both women and men perpetuate the woman as mother culture. I also like how the author has reminded us that mothers can and do resent motherhood despite loving their children. It's also very depressing! I'm a woman about to graduate from University and am ambitious, but also want to have children. I don't want to give either up, and I don't think it's fair that men get both. I also think it's a shame that men can't enjoy their children as much as they might, because of these inequalities in parenting. I agree that ultimately the state (employers will only change with legislation) needs to take action - the culture change needed is too big for individuals to make a difference, as this article shows. Equal paternity laws will surely make a difference, more childcare for children from a young age. Thanks for such an enlightening article!

Where is that Oliver James article? I can't find it online?

Florence your post at 13:23 is spot on, too! LOL from someone else who looks like shit and feels like shit.

Why would you find it infuriating, it's just what motherhood was like for her. Your experience might be totally different.

I thought the article was wildly exaggerated and couldn't relate to it at all (well, not at all, I did recognise things I felt too, but her overall experience seems so shitty that I was reading with raised eyebrows) but coming back and reading on MN it seems like other women have felt like that too.

I read this part,
"We spent that fortnight in a jet-lagged haze, barely getting any sleep but surviving on exhilaration and adoration for our child. We met up with friends, took walks by the river and called into pubs. Our portable baby was a compliant passenger in our lives."

with interest. I don't know many people who'd meet up with friends, take walks and go to pubs in the first two weeks after childbirth (!), so I think maybe she expected things to be exactly the same as it was before children.

Okay I admit that I have only just read the article and I don't actually think it is about how hard it is to bring up children. It is about parents reverting to 1950's type roles. Although this happened to lots of my friends it didn't happen with my OH and I. I was always clear that I didn't want to bring up a child by myself.

Someone on here said they are running their own business/work from home so they would not need any childcare - what do you do?? I couldn't do a thing (except a bit of housework) with 2 small children wanting my attention all the time. Was that someone who was about to be a parent or do your children amuse themselves on command without arguments?

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Erm, this article represents a fairly narrow section of society. Of course it's not like that for everyone.

I read it over coffee this morning and decided it wasn't very representative.

I still get to do a lot of the same things as I always has done. Still have a really good social life, get to have nights out and carry on the way I did before. I just dont do it every day but I do it every week still. Your social life doesnt have to end at all. I wont stop partying until Im dead

There isnt anything as fun as being a mum in the world. I honestly cant get my head round how anyone cant enjoy looking after their kids. Its the most fun job you will ever have with loads of funny moments every day. There is no other job that gives you those warm fuzzy feelings, funny conversations and hugs and cuddles! If I won the lottery I would have at least 6 kids.

I should also add that traditional gender roles did not suddenly appear between me and DH when we had our DS 5 months ago. Lots of couples manage to maintain balance and equality in their relationships.

'For many men, if it's a choice between an extra hour in the office or getting home in time to wrestle tired and irritable offspring into a bath, they will take the former'

Also that isnt true at all! Most men are desperate to get back to their kids.I dont know any man that would want to spend more time at work than be at home having fun with their children.

wigglybeezer - I agree, I feel I haven't got a status anymore, and being a mum has a low status in our society - (almost) anyone can be a mum and it has nothing to do with personal achievement. I don't agree with the IQ bit, I think it has rather more to do with your ambitions. We are told to aim high in the first 20-30 years of our lives, woman (especially) work hard to achieve good exam results, work hard at their jobs and then as soon as babies are here often it all seems to crumble away and many find themselves working at minimum wage for 'a bit extra', at the bottom, 1950's style.

I always think if you are a person who is happy in yourself you dont need to be defined by status. I think I admire people more who do loving and kind things and are good people to their families/communities etc than people who are going to offices in fancy suits. If you are the type of person that needs external approval you are more likely to be disatisfied with being a mum/dad.

Crikey Florence!

Thanks to all. Lots to think about from all perspectives.

Crikey, really? You are surprised that your comments like:

Surely there are people here on MN whose entire character isn't subsumed into the drudgery of being a mother? Who continue to be lively, interested in the larger world, engaged with their friends, interested in their career, happy in their relationships, still maintaining a sense of self and self-respect? For motherhood extends, informs, illuminates their life - doesn't effectively end it! Because if not, I don't want children. AIBU?!

might be just a bit offensive to some people? You don't sound particularly naive, I have trouble believing you didn't know how it would come across when you wrote it.

For me most of the article is true. It's not as easy as you might imagine getting out and about with a baby, and you might just need any free time you have to catch up on some sleep. And if you haven't got any relatives to babysit it's nearly impossible to go out in the evening as a couple. And even if you do, you still have to be sober enough to feed during the night. So yes, I'd say it's all been pretty rubbish for the first 6 months or so. Certainly not what I was expecting.

I think I would have expected people to realise that it was hyperbolic, and a horrified plea for people to say, calm down you daft bint, no-one said it was easy but it's probably not quite as bad as folk tend to make out.

That being said, that is honestly how I sometimes feel, especially when reading that kind of thing (of which there seems to be a lot just now: the Grauniad seems to have it in for motherhood )

Obviously I am sorry to have caused you offence, and sorry you feel like shit - especially since that's sort of my point! Can you at all see how it feels to be my side of the fence - wanting children, but struggling to see anyone saying anything positive about it, and wondering why the hell I'm bothering?

Partly the article is true although it only focuses on the negative side. For me, leaving work and becoming the primary parent was exactly what I feel I was meant to be doing but also what I personally felt I wanted to do.

The thought of missing out on all the wonderful things I got to do with ds before I went back to work is heart breaking and it makes me quite sad the dh but have felt detached from that stage really.

I was a stay at home mum for 3 years until ds started part time school last spetember and yes it was often boring and frustrating and down right hard work. BUT, it was also beautiful and amazing and I thank God that I'm a woman and was able to bring this amaizng little person into the world and watch him grow into the the most wonderful little boy.

It's hard work, yes but so is paid work! Even when I'm at work now, as much as I love the money it brings, I am always ready to get finished to get home and be me again. Mummy me. That's who I am most comfortable being.

Of course I can see that, I just think your OP was unecessarily....something.

Surely you can see that actually one of the problems as outlined is that the expectations of us are too much? You are actually embodying one of the big issues of modern motherhood, the "is this all you are?" expectation, can't you do better, can't you be pretty and interesting and have a career and a baby and not bitch and moan about it? Whats wrong with you if you can't? and then the slammer..I don't want to be like you.

Well, er, thanks.