To think sometimes you just have to put your foot down

[Bluemoonrising]

A FB friend has just posted 'I don't think there is any job that requires more skill in diplomacy and negotiation skills than being a parent'.

The problem is I think this child has rather more skill at negotiation than the parent, and they are making a rod for their own back! AIBU to think that sometimes you just have to tell their PFB DS 'this is how it is, if you do't like it, tough'!

don't like it... oops! Should always preview!

I am a fan of children having good negotiation skills, think its a life skill. My children often challenge me and it can be hard work but worth it now some of them are older. My ds is of the school I am the grown up its my way with little explanation which is how we were both parented. Don't get me wrong clearly there are times when I take control with the this is how it is stratergy. However, that usually when they have won the argument and I have run out of anything constructive to offer!

Don't think yabu really although I am not a fan of this all the time but as you said 'sometimes' I would agree with you.

Yes, but it is very tiring to always be authoritarian, something to use judiciously. Negotiating mutually satisfactory solutions is more productive in the long run.

I'm a believer in picking your battles. I negotiate on some things so the dcs get to feel they are getting a choice in how their lives go and learn about give and take, but I also put my foot down on other things. There are some things that children need to learn have to happen and other things that can have a bit of sway IMO.

I also negotiate on some things too. Agree with ragged

Obviously, I have only seen this child when they are with company (I am not family), and so maybe the way they try and cope with behaviour is different at home, but from what I have seen this child has learned to 'negotiate' using tantrums and obstinacy as tools, and invariably gets the better end of the deal.

For example, I bumped into them at the supermarket last week. On the end shelves near us was a display if easter eggs. He comes over with a huge £10ish celebrations egg 'mummy I want this'. She tells him no, she had already bought him an easter egg. End result - he gets a smaller egg - but its still a big egg, £6ish I think in price.

When I am getting my shopping in the car I seem them leaving the supermarket, and he is ripping into the box.

I could be doing them a disservice though, maybe they are better when they are not in public..

Oh in that situation I would say a firm no. She is not negotiating she is giving in but trying to make herself feel better about it.

I think it also depends on the age of the child - and which battles they have chosen to prioritise to fight.

YANBU.... the 'because I said so' closer is grossly underrated :) Like anything else, use sparingly and wisely or it loses its impact. But giving children the impression that everything is up for discussion doesn't do them a lot of favours in the long-run. Teachers, managers and other authority figures not always big on negotiation, I've found....

I negotiate,and so do my children, but I also do 'This is how it is because...'
So yes, they have to toe my line, but there is always a reason for it.
I also don't chop and change, if I've said no then it doesn't become yes as a consequence of nagging, whining or extended pleading.
Rational argument, that's the ticket!

Yy Goblin, a 'no' in this house has never become a 'yes'. I'm a stubborn cow and won't back down. Even if I realise I'm in the wrong I will find a way around it without appearing to change no to yes. As a result my kids rarely tantrum, argue with me or nag (although they wonder off muttering under their breath a fair bit)

I don't negotiate. I am THE LAW.

well - I once appealed a decision at work............and I won. They realised they were in the wrong. I'm human, sometimes I get it wrong, if it's not a life or death/appalling bad manners then yes - I will listen to my children (more so DS1 and 2- DS3 too young to have any reasoning that makes sense yet) and if I've got it wrong, over-reacted then yes - I'll "back down". Sometimes they negotiate and change the decision, sometimes they negotiate and gain nothing - rather like real life.

Not sure if you are BU or not..

I may be similar to your friend. However I don't think of it as negotiating, more about listening and acknowledging the child's point of view. In the situation you describe, no I would not have bought the easter egg, but neither would I have said "no because I say so" or similar. I would have explained nicely that eggs are for easter, too much chocolate = not good for your health, blah blah. And sometimes, if ds asks for something, yes he can have it - I don't say no for the sake of it. I consider his requests as I would anyone's requests..

But then, I'm an Alfie-Kohn ite, so probably not the type most would want to listen to