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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

In un-asking someone to be my bridesmaid?

40 replies

Hammy02 · 25/03/2011 15:36

A couple of years ago, my partner proposed, I said yes and I asked a good friend of mine to be bridesmaid. Since then, our finances have decreased greatly-by about a third. We have decided to have a v.small wedding. Due to watching costs, I don't really want a bridesmaid any more. It seems a bit OTT given the size of the wedding. Due to my friend living a couple of hundred miles away, we only see each other about 3 times a year. I have known her 30 years so she means alot to me. AIBU to let her know I don't want a bridesmaid anymore?

OP posts:

MiniMousse · 27/03/2011 23:43

merylstrop and madamdeathstare - nope it wasn't a case of taking the huff easily, it was the culmination of - I guess - a series of things that showed the relationship wasn;t working... and just like in a 'romantic' relationship, if you are in a friendship with someone and it becomes obvious by their deeds and actions that you're not that important in their eyes, adn that they do things regardless of your feelings, then what's the point in staying in contact? There was no big falling out - we just no longer see her.

MaisyMooCow · 27/03/2011 23:46

Agree with alarkaspree

Cloudbase · 27/03/2011 23:51

I'm pretty sure it will be fine. When I got engaged, i got ridiculously overexcited and asked my three closest girlfriends and their children to be bridesmaids. In the end we just couldn't afford it and had to scale right down, so, extremely shamefaced, I had to 'unask' the 3 adults (but obviously not the children as they wouldn't have understood).

Luckily, they all completely understood as they knew it was because i was just really happy and asked them becuase I loved them and wanted them to be part of my big day. I found them all other roles for the big day (readings, bouquet holder, witness for registry etc) but at the end of the day, I asked them because they are really close friends and we all love eachother, and they understood that.

Good Luck!

Cloudbase · 27/03/2011 23:51

because -sorry!

satanrejectedmysoul · 28/03/2011 00:13

YABU. Having a bridesmaid is only costs money if you want it to and is as expensive as you want it to be.
I had 7 bridesmaids at my wedding all dressed in the conventional matching outfits. The dresses were summer evening gowns and cost £30 each from TKMaxx their sparkly shoes were £15 each from the market. One of the bridesmaids chose them as I wanted the girls to like what they wore. My mum and I made their bouquets with silk flowers. The girls did their own hair, makeup and jewellery. I bought them each a small thankyou gift as is 'convention'.
It was a PITA getting the girls to try the dresses and 2 of them needed to be altered. I later found out after the wedding that my best girl didn't like the dress. If I could do it again I would have asked them to be bridesmaids and wear their own dresses and shoes.
We had 8 men in hired matching suits too - also a PITA and pointless! I'm sure the men would have been happy in their own best suits with a buttonhole! I'm annoyed with myself for trying to conform to the stereotypical Western wedding.
It was a fantastic day BTW - just the organising of other peoples clothes in the run up to the day is a waste of time, money and energy!

LDNmummy · 28/03/2011 00:21

Not at all unreasonable, if she is a friend she will understand. One of my closest friends is getting married and she said I would definitely be a bridesmaid. After a change of plans to her wedding (now getting married abroad with a smallish ceremony), I knew before she even broached the subject with me as it was obvious she would no longer be having bridesmaids from outside family due to it being a smaller wedding.

Just tell her, I was also supposed to be bridesmaid at another ceremony in two months but my pregnancy has put a halt to that and I understood too. To be fair, it was more for my comfort as I don't have to be standing for the ceremony now and get to do a reading instead

AuntiePickleBottom · 28/03/2011 00:59

when i 1st got engaged 5 years ago i had big plans for my wedding, but scaled it right down.

i think any true friend would understand that you need to scale your wedding plans down

TheSecondComing · 28/03/2011 00:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 28/03/2011 01:08

my two sisters were my bridesmaids at my tiny informal wedding. they both picked and bought their own matching dresses, both on a student budget.

it doesnt have to be expensive, nor do I think one bridesmaid is excessive for a small wedding (different if you'd asked 7 friends imo ), but its up to you, do what you want, its your wedding and having no bridesmaids is fine.

allsquareknickersnofurcoat · 28/03/2011 01:10

TSC I hadnt thought of that when DSis asked me the other day!! [eep!]
Hopefully I can get to the indian wedding though, it'll be easy in a sari :)

saffronwblue · 28/03/2011 02:01

My best friend was our bridesmaid and witness and I just told her to wear whatever she most wanted to wear. Most women would be relieved not to have to put on a Bridesmaid's Frock. Having her as a witness and part of the ceremony indicates how close she is to you.

iscream · 28/03/2011 06:17

I'd be happy to hear the news! I don't think she could possibly be offended or hurt, you are not giving a bridesmaid role to anyone else. :)

thumbwitch · 28/03/2011 06:24

I think that you are making too much of the "bridesmaid" costs, perhaps - she doesn't have to cost you anything, if you ask her to wear whatever she likes and don't worry about getting her a bouquet or present or anything.

If you really want to change things though, explain the situation to her - tell her that as the wedding is now so small, you don't think a bridesmaid is appropriate but you still want her to be a very important part of your wedding and be a witness.

I didn't have any bridesmaids at my wedding - too complicated - but my best friend still took on the role of "unofficial" matron of honour and thank God she did! She was fantastic. She wasn't a witness though, my Dad and DH's mum were the witnesses.

Blondeshavemorefun · 28/03/2011 11:43

why would it cost? is it the dress?

can she wear a dress that she has which is the same colour scheme as flowers?

but yes , sure a true friend would understand as long as you get rid of all bm if more than one

plopplopquack · 28/03/2011 12:04

I think you should just tell her the truth, that you can't afford it. If she's a good friend she'll understand. I was "sacked" as bridesmaid for this reason (that the wedding was going to be a lot smaller then planned) and I totally understood.

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