Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

AIBU to push for an answer ?

15 replies

Gster · 25/03/2011 10:46

My Xp and I split over two and a half months ago. Was on the cards. We have a DD2.

Two months ago I explained my wishes for access. Mum has DD living there, I have DD at mine every other w/e two nights, 50:50 holidays and an afternoon every week.

Took XP over a month to reply, she's seen at least 3 sols who I assume, to her annoyance, are telling her I'm being very reasonable ( which is what mine said ) and there's no reason to delay access. Very ambiguous reply from XP. e.g. 'maybe' I could have her one night a fortnight if XP thought it was going well, after a very long lead in period, could 'possibly' imagine two nights, ultimatly doesn't think DD should stay away from mum. I've been a hands on Dad and have a great relationship with DD.

I asked, Monday, politely, to let me know if she doesn't agree with my suggestion, whether she'd like to move to mediation as I feel it's all dragging on with no resolution.

AIBU to ask for an answer by end of week ?

OP posts:

Reality · 25/03/2011 10:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HumanBehaviour · 25/03/2011 10:53

IMO she is robbing her DD of a good relationship with her dad. Disgraceful, put your foot down and contact your solicitor!

HumanBehaviour · 25/03/2011 10:54

Reality, he's her dad, why would overnight not be OK? She's known him all her life!

Niceguy2 · 25/03/2011 10:55

I think you are being more than reasonable. But trust me....reasonable will get you nowhere.

You need to push hard on this one. She's being totally unreasonable to take a month to reply with such a crap answer.

I don't see why it's a problem to stay at yours for two nights. Presumably if you were together with your exP and decided to take DD away for a weekend then noone would claim that was stressful so why should it be stressful now?

Just because you don't have a vagina, it doesn't mean you can't take care of your young daughter.

The thing I learned years ago is that when dealing with the ex, talk softly but carry a big stick.

mrsjaja · 25/03/2011 10:56

Much as i think you have every right to have your dd for two nights every other weekend,and that YANBU to expect an answer. I also think that at 2 she is a little young for this. Whole days would be better, or just over one night.

If you are concerned for her wellbeing with your exp should you not just go for complete custody????

Your dd's happiness should be your only concern!!

Niceguy2 · 25/03/2011 11:01

Cos as a man, he's got virtually no chance of full residence.

Anyone got a link to the other thread?

Happylander · 25/03/2011 11:04

My DH has had worse than this from his ex. I would suggest you get straight onto Families Need Fathers they will give you a lot of advice and it is free. She is going to drag this out and it will cost you a lot of money (if you don't get legal aid) so far we have spent 15,000 to get two weeks in summer and a long weekend a year and can go over to NI one weekend a month but he can't afford that. We ran out of money (my inheritance money) and could not get into anymore debt so had to give up and couldn't self represent as in England and could not afford to keep going over to court when she didn't bother turning up. My DH was a hands on dad, did everything for his daughter and mother did nothing, had affairs and stayed in bed all weekend. Didn't mean a thing hoe much he had done when the mother is being a spiteful cow by continuing to use a child to get back at you and using delaying tactics.
Good luck.

wonkeydonkies · 25/03/2011 11:07

you should have 50% custody, you are 50% of the parents

amberleaf · 25/03/2011 11:11

She is being v unreasonable

there is NO reason at all why your DD shouldnt spend the weekend with you.

your ex is being a control freak.....'cos she can

good luck

LisaD1 · 25/03/2011 11:11

I think YANBU, if you have been as hands on as you say then I can see no reason why you can't continue to be, even if that is separately to your DD's mum.

I left my ex when our DD was 3, he had her one weeknight and every other weekend, he now only has every other weekend (she's 11 now and has a ton of school work which he prefers not to be involved with).

My DD2 is only just 3, my husband is very much a hands on dad and should we split (it's definitely not on the cards) I would not hesitate for him to have the access you are asking for. So long as the child is happy that should be all that matters.

Original poster

Gster · 25/03/2011 11:18

Reality. Yes DD has spent many nights away from home. Frequent Holidays abroad and at my home with her Mum as we've always lived in separate homes. I've no intention of just suddenly introducing the changes. But there's no agreement on the access we're working towards.

And yes my XP is a control freak of olympic proportion.

I think it's highly likely that my XP has no intention of mediation.

OP posts:

mrsjaja · 25/03/2011 11:34

Gster - in which case she is just being a cow about it in my opinion.

Feel so sorry for you and your DD in all this. I hate it when mums use the "But they should be with me, im the mother" card. Dad's have rights too.

I would happily let me DH have my DD should we ever part (not gonna happen.....but you know, worst case scenario). She adores her daddy, and he worships her....

Good luck Gster. And good for you for fighting for your DD and not walking away.

BaronessOrczy · 25/03/2011 11:38

Gster, I really think you should push this issue now. She is your daughter, you owe it to her to look after her interests - and to maintain the relationship you have built up so far.

She can't speak up for herself and what she would like so you need to do it for her, to try and maintain some equilibrum in her life.

My DP and I are several years down the line of his ex being as controlling as your Ex is now and it is a constant battle and exhausting for DP to see his daughter, every little thing is a powerplay and there are times he has thrown his hands up in despair and wondered whether it is worth carrying on the fight. But he does so because he loves that little girl more than life itself and wants to be involved in her life and wants her to know that he loves her and will always be there for her.

To push for mediation is hardly a threatening thing to do - IMHO it shows that you want to resolve the situation and is a postive step.

Good luck.

Original poster

Gster · 25/03/2011 11:43

I suspect what is actually happening is that my XP was expecting solicitors to agree with her that I'm being unreasonable. And they've told her that actually I'm being quite reasonable about access and she should talk over any concerns she has with me.

So she's found another, and another hoping to find someone who'll agree with her.

mrsjaja

thanks. All I want is for my DD to have a great Dad in her life. XP think's it's an outrage that father's have rights.

OP posts:

exhausted2011 · 25/03/2011 11:48

i think if she doesn't make a decision soon, you go to mediation.
if you are a hands on father, there is no reason for this not to happen

Flip