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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

by not going to the airport to receive him???

22 replies

Allalone0 · 24/03/2011 14:07

I normally post on Lone parents, as I have been separated from exh for almost 2yrs now. He left the country to go back home for a 5wk holiday, he only told me and dcs a couple of days before he was to go.

He's back today and I really don't want to go and receive him at the airport..:-(

The dc's are looking forward to seeing him and their presents, but for me the dread has started to set in. I am really NOT looking forward to all the stress that he causes when he's around.
Life was alot more peaceful without him.

He was (and still is) a very clever, manipulative man, he was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me and went onto abuse DD.

When I spoke to him a wk ago he asked me if I was going to get him from the airport and I said No. The Dc's wanted to go though.

So am I being Unreasonable?

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 24/03/2011 14:09

Tell him to get a taxi or a friend to "receive" him.. he aint your responsibility.

SandStorm · 24/03/2011 14:10

No - you're the grown up and you decide whether to get him from the airport or not. And he's (presumably) a grown up and can make his own way home.

blackeyedsusan · 24/03/2011 14:10

no. he is a grown man and you are no longer together. arrange for the dc's to go to see him without you, if that is possible, when he is back home.

alarkaspree · 24/03/2011 14:12

Why on earth would any adult expect to be collected from an airport? I don't drag my dc out to collect dh when he comes back from a work trip, even though he is nice and I am pleased to see him.

FabbyChic · 24/03/2011 14:15

Other than your children he is no longer part of your life, you don't have to go get him at all, tell him to make his own arrangements.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 24/03/2011 14:31

He said he has been buying gifts for me aswell, apparently to try and make things better between us.

But I don't feel that any amount of money or gifts will undo all the pain and hurt he has caused.

Its gonna take alot more than that.

OP posts:

coppertop · 24/03/2011 14:31

Presumably he managed to cope without you while on his 5wk holiday. So now he can carry on and make his own way home. Trains, buses and taxis are wonderful inventions and it's about time he became better acquainted with them.

YANBU

marmaladetwatkins · 24/03/2011 14:59

What?! Tell him to piss off, the immature fuckwit. You are not a public transport service.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 25/03/2011 12:16

I didn't go, I felt bad and knew that he and the rest of the family including my own will think ' what a bitch' I am.

But I am glad I stayed strong and didn't go, because if I had gone then maybe I would have 'given him the wrong msg' and he may assume that their is some chance of reconciliation.

Having him live far away from us for the past 5 wks has actually helped me to have a feel of how things are without him being able to call round, as and when he feels like it. And to be honest I prefer it. Life was soooo much less stressful. The kids I was able to cope with, it's just his unreasonable, selfish, controlling and manipulative self I can't cope with.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 12:19

Well done for not caving in to his emotional blackmail

What a horrible tosser he sounds. I am glad you are out of that situation x

kreecherlivesupstairs · 25/03/2011 12:20

So something good came of it. You are better able to see how much you enjoy less stress.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 25/03/2011 12:20

YANBU - he is a grown man, he can make his own way from the airport!!

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 25/03/2011 12:20

OOh, just seen you didnt, doh!! Well done you!

GloriaSmut · 25/03/2011 12:21

Why should anyone fetch up at an airport to collect a former partner? It doesn't make you a 'bitch' not being there, just someone who is behaving quite appropriately in the circumstances. If he's brought presents that is his problem. They're supposed to be gifts, not an aid to emotional abuse.

I don't even expect to be collected by people I'm having a relationship with! I like to take the train quietly home.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 25/03/2011 12:43

My one thought on this (too late, I do realise) is that the OP's children wanted to go and meet their father at the airport. Going to the airport might have been an exciting treat for them, and would have helped bolster their relationship with their father. The OP could have made it clear it was the kids meeting him at the airport, and that she was standing back from the whole thing.

plupedantic · 25/03/2011 12:45

If he's abused your DD, surely that's reason enough for all the "family" (huh) who seem to think you are being selfish. They should be ashamed of themselves.

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 12:57

I am not sure he deserves the OP bolstering his relationship with the children he has abused.

It's gonna take a helluva lot more than that...from him

Doing those normal family things eh ? This isn't a normal family and the children shouldn't be getting mixed messages that it still is/isn't.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 25/03/2011 13:17

Thanks everyone for your input.

Desperate...hahaha and thanx.

Gloria thanks also for your input, it really makes sense when you said "If he's brought presents that is his problem. They're supposed to be gifts, not an aid to emotional abuse."

PeterAndreforPm (love the name...:)) What he has done has not left 'my family' to be what I thought it was, yet I was trying desperately to salvage some sort of 'normal' relationship' for my Dc's with their father. I wanted to give them some sort of stability.

And before I found out about Dd being abused, I was staying with him despite the 'abuse' I myself was going through as I wanted to give my children a 'normal' enough family unit, with both parents.

Despite my good intentions, the Dc's may well have been receiving 'mixed msgs' which IS Soooo NOT fair on them!!!

I had realised that and as painful it was, I have been trying to be straight with them and 'NOT' give them false hope that maybe one day their Dad will be living with us, as they Sooo much want. :(

I have also realised that it's down to HIM to prove that he even deserves to have some sort of 'normal relationship' with the children.

OP posts:

PeterAndreForPM · 25/03/2011 13:24

Allalone0, please don't my comment as a personal criticism of you

I was responding to the idea that you should be made to feel that it is up to you to maintain your dc's relationship with an abuser. It absolutely is not and would give your dc's the impression that women must always be the appeasers in relationships, especially abusive ones.

You have done the right thing, seriously and gave them the right message by not dancing to his tune. Well done.

Original poster

Allalone0 · 25/03/2011 13:41

Peter....I didn't take it as personal criticism, but merely agreeing with you as thats how I have seen it myself. :)

OP posts:

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/03/2011 14:29

Oh my love, i saw your thread of today and posted, and you kindly gave me a clue to find this one.

I so know how you feel, god if H comes back in Nov as he is threatening to, I'd be physically SICK!

Honey if he has abused your DD, then he has no contact with any of you.

I'm glad you didn't pick him up.

Literally STUFF everybody else's opinion, only yours matters. Don't even bat an eyelid as to others comments. Merely reply, if you had gone through what I have gone through you would support me 100%.

What do YOU want to happen now? Do you want him to stay away from you, from the DD, from all the DC?

How can we help you stay strong and focussed on what is best for you?

Keep posting, please.

LittleMissHissyFit · 25/03/2011 14:33

"He was (and still is) a very clever, manipulative man, he was emotionally and mentally abusive towards me"

You know what? I thought the same about mine, turns out he wasn't as clever as he went around telling everyone. I do know people that memorise Excyclopaedias just to spout facts and look clever... when it's all guff!

If he was really so clever, he'd know enough to know that you don't treat people the way he does, and only sick bastards abuse their DC and their mother.

Start to look at the fucker under the microscope, warts and all, then you can start to chip away at the fear, and then you can break free.

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