To have a break from both my DC's at the weekend?

[choceyes]

I have a 2.4yr old DS and a 7 month old DD.

Basically I'm finding it pretty hard going juggling both of them. Especially recently as DS had chickenpox and then now DD has it, and she is really suffering from it. I feel exhausted.

My DH, is great around the house. He does almost all of the washing up, laundery, hoovering, dusting etc etc and I know that I'm very lucky. He also wakes up in the night to attend to DS who still doesn't sleep through the night and is an early riser. He co-sleeps with him in his room when he wakes up at night. So yes he also does night duty and deserves a lie in at the weekend and he is also a teacher, so a stressful job.

DS goes to nursery 2 days a week, so on those days I have only DD to look after, and she does need to be carried a lot (have slinged her almost full time in her first 6 months), so it's not really a break anyway, but ofcourse better than having a toddler too.

DH plays squash, goes runnign and swimming in the weekday evenings and I'm fine with that. He normally does all the chores before he goes and usually after both DS are in bed.

He also wants to meet up with friends and do his own thing at the weekend sometimes and is happy to take DS along but cant take DD along as she is breastfed and I haven't tried her with a bottle yet. TBH I don't like expressing, washing up, sterilising etc (did all that with DS who woudn't latch on and I did that for 11 months). So I end up holding the baby at weekends, but I wish he would consider spending his weekends with all of us or go somewhere nearby so I can bf DD and rest at home. but he wants me to tag along with him if I want a break so I end up going out anway, so I never feel like I have a break.

Am I being unreasonable for expecting him not to meet his friends at the weekend, and instead be there for me?
Also I miss DS (PFB!) and our alone time together since DD came along and would like DH to look after DD while I played with DS?
what happens mostly is that DH goes off with DS and then i miss DS and I'm not getting a break from DD.

we are constantly arguing about this at the weekend and it's really getting me down.

I'm totally prepared to be told IABU as DH is very good at sharing chores and is a good father really, but I would so like for us not to argue about this every single weekend.

going out every weekend with his friends is unreasonable weather he takes the children or not. Weekends are family time if he's at work all week with the odd weekend doing things with friends not the other way round. YANBU

He also wants to meet up with friends and do his own thing at the weekend sometimes

is it sometimes or all the time because that makes a difference

he sounds like he is a really equal parent which is great

just lay it out - you need downtime too

Blimey I wish my dh did all of that

I am expecting number 6 any day and my dh goes to work at 6.30am to return at 8pm . I am a pt Doula but obviously not working at the mo, my dh does nothing around the house, and I mean nothing. I'm ok with that mostly, as I'm at home.

I have to say I do think you are being a little unreasonable that he wants some time to himself, although I can see how you'd like a break from your dd too, (my last baby was a complete cling on and it is very trying).

I think you are going to have to try dd with something other than breastfeed if you'd like to get some time off, she's 7 mths now so maybe could try a cup or similar as opposed to a bottle, my dd never evr took a bottle and didn't eat solid food until she was 8 mth as she wasn't interested so quite hard work but if it's that important to you, then you'll have to give it a go maybe.

Sit down together and take turns saying what you'd like to happen and take it from there perhaps.

Good luck

why don't you go out in the weekday evenings or one night at the wekend when the kids are in bed?

also agree with others, sometimes spending time with friends at weekends is very different to every weekend.

Thanks Freddy.

I was talking to my friend and she said that her DH only ever goes out with his friends during the week and they all stick together at the weekend, and she has only one DC. but I think her DH is not as hands on during the week as my DH is so I thought maybe IWBU, and that my DH deserves to be able to go out with his friends at the weekend.

It does't help that he doesn't have any friends who have children and they don't understand that when they arrange stuff with him for the weekend, its at the detriment of me.

Also no family help either, both families are about 5 hours away.

Bit of both really - every weekend all weekend I would say YANBU but it is every weekend?? You said sometimes at weekends?? Agree weekend is family time but if you are working during the week then there is nothing wrong with wanting to catch up with mates etc at some stage over the weekend as long as its not all the time IYSWIM. It sounds like he does his fair share during the week so its not like he is leaving it all to you and buggering off with his mates.

My DH goes off and plays tennis with his mate on Saturday afternoons and I have no problem with it at all - swings and roundabouts I reckon.

Well swimming, running, squash and meeting friends at the weekend is just trying to cram too much in really. He should sacrifice one of these evenings and see friends then.

You would also benefit from trying to sort DS1's sleeping.

It's every weekend.

If it's not friends then he wants to go to his allotment (most weekends it's both). And he doesn't mind taking DS along with him, but I really don't like this as DH is pretty forgetful and I know won't keep an eye on DS while he's diggin or whatever and there is nearby pond and lots of rusty metal around, so I will be worrying.

going out in the evenings - an idea, but not at the moment as DD is ill and needs me and also she might need feeding.

I keep trying to tell him that it's only a couple more months before DD can go longer without day feeds and I can't be arsed to introduce a bottle just for this time.

Yes didldidi I know. I don't know what to do really. I've read the no cry sleep solution and I'm getting nowhere. I just haven't a clue why he keeps wakiing up at night. Might be something to do with his little sister being born as it's got much worse since she came along.

Actually I would be less concerned about the fact that I was not getting a break from the kids - but how much time he wanted to spend away from the home. All of these evening sports (chores to some extent) co-sleeping with your ds, going out with friends doesn't leave much time for the two of you...

YANBU to expect him to be around at the weekends, although I have to say that I think he's an absolute star with the amount he does around the house. My husband doesn't even put out the rubbish and I'm 32 weeks pregnant, so it's a real effort for me to lug the recycling out front.

The fact is though that you aren't ever getting some 'me' time without either child, and I can imagine that you're pretty fed up of that. At that stage with my DS I would express some milk and leave it for him so I could go and have a lunch with girlfriends or go and get my hair done, for instance. Just going for a walk round the local park with my headphones on and no kids was a break and as your DD is now 7 months surely she goes for a few hours between BFs, which would give you a chance to get out of the house on your own?

If he's going out with his mates every weekend then I think you have a right to ask him to cut it down and perhaps agree that once a month you each get to see your mates at weekends - so every other weekend one of you is out for a bit, but the other weekends are dedicated to family stuff? My DH is finishing up a Masters course at the moment and he's spending his weekends studying, which is driving me bonkers, so I do understand where you're coming from. He should be done by the end of April though - fingers crossed ...

When do you spend time as a family?

I agree with didldidi

Diddldidi - Our relationship is at an all time low. We contstantly argue. I have a very quick temper and is prone to shouting. DS is passive agressive which drives me nuts. We have not had sex for nearly a year.
I don't like spending time with him at the moment because of all this. he keeps pestering me for sex and says I should be ready by now, but I have no libido and I'm so tired at the end of the day I just want to go to sleep. I can;t even ask him for a massage or a cuddle without him wanting more.

Dh is passive aggressive I meant.

Didldidi has hit the nail on the head (so to speak!) and your response choceyes is the real reason you are feeling the way you are not that your DH wants time some weekends to himself.I would tell him not to make any arrangements for next weekend because you are going out and even if it is just a walk in the park for 1 hour do it. He may then realise or get a snapshot of what it is like with 2 kids and noone else even if everything is done for you it gets lonely doesnt it.

I think he is being unresonable he is out more than he is in. It is mind numbingly boring being a SAHM and I would go crazy if my DP was out constantly and I never went out or did some childfree stuff, or had any adult conversation. I think he needs to compromise. I would definetly go out for a walk. I also would not want sex with someone I barely see.

Exactly Crawling. Why would I want sex with him when we never have time to bond with each other?

Every weekend he asks me if he can meet a friend or two and if I say no, then he resents it and if I say yes, then I resent it. I hate being put in that situation.

I used to look forward to the weekends - time to spend with him, time for some help with the DCs etc. but now I dread them as I know we will be arguing for most of it.

I think you should go out this weekend, wait till DD is sleeping then go out, stay out however long she normally sleeps plus a hour. Your DD will be fine maybe book some beauty treatments? or something else you like doing.

The first year of being a parent is so hard and the first year with your second can be even harder, I think. Its very easy to end up as a family of pairs - DH with older child and DW with baby. And as you say, you end up never getting a break from the baby.

I can empathise LOTS and fwiw it did pass for us. We had a similar age gap and similar experiences to you. Plus I had PND which I ignored for a long time. DC are now 4 and 6 and life is so much easier and I am glad we gritted our teeth during the hard times. It is so hard though and I wish you all the best.

Could you arrange marriage time, family time and you time, and treat it in the same way as DH would running, squash etc? ie an activity that happens regularly, not nec. on the same day each week, but at least once a week.