To ask you to offer some opinions on my relationship with my mother please?

[anothernewname09]

Posting here for high traffic, but am willing to take flaming if need be.

Basically I was heavily involved with a sport as a teenager, and for a couple of years was probably in the top 10 in the country.

It put tremendous stress on the family as we couldn't really afford it and it meant me and my mum spent alot of time away from my dad and sister.

When I moved up to senior level I really struggled and I have now given up the sport but am still involved in training and team selections.

Now, my mother was trying her best, but some of her behaviour towards me would defiantly be regarded as abuse, physical and emotional. One particularly bad day result in her kicking me around the floor telling me she was going to beat the life out of me.

We never speak of this or any other incidents that happened. The issue is now if we have any argument I get very very upset. She then asks my why I do this to her and I feel she is guilt tripping me, she tells me how much they gave up for me.

I really feel like I need her to acknowledge and apologise for her behaviour in order for me to move on. At weak moments I feel so down and such a failure.

Also, even though they gave up alot for me, does it make these incidents ( the bad ones probably happened about 5 or 6 times a year) excusable?

I really feel I need to mend this ( our relationship is fine untill there is a silly fall out, then it ends with me in tears and get saying I'm ungrateful because I am still bothered by the feeling of failure) how do l go about it?

I was only a child, 12-16 at the time, wad it my fault??

All opinions welcome. I really want to forgive her but I just can't, it's making me so sad........

it wasn't your fault and you shouldn't feel in any way responsible for her physical abuse.

it's HER problem, her inability to cope and by hitting you she was trying to take it out on you. her reluctance to take responsibility for that behaviour indicates she's in denial that she behaved that way. to accept responsibilty involves confronting and accepting bad behaviour.... she may have experienced the same type of abuse as a child, who knows but she clearly hasn't faced up to her personal flaws.

the sport thing is a non-issue and you should never accept that as an excuse for what she did to you.

and it's alright not to forgive her right now.

Oh poor you. I have a very, very close (nearly co-dependent) relationship with my mum now. However, our family dynamic was v odd and she left me with my stepfather aged 10. (I was 10, not my stepfather...)

Despite our closeness now, I often feel an unresolved 'tension' (our relationship is not tense).

Have you considered therapy for you both?

Good luck.

P.S. Sorry to hijack your thread: just trying to offer my perspective.

Thankyou

I want to forgive her though. I'd hate fir anything to happen too her with me still feeling like this. And for her feeling I blame her. I don't blame for me not making a career out of the sport like we all thought I would. I don't blame her for taking me out of school permanently so I could compete. I don't blame her for not being able to afford it as much as other parents.

But I have a child now and I don't understand how she can wake up and get on with her day knowing she behaved like that to me. How can she not apologise or even acknowledge it??

Don't worry BLINKs. You don't actually have to answer all these questions. I'm just ranting!

Thanks for replying.

No hi-jacking! I'm just glad for someone to talk to.
Don't think she would go for therapy. She doesn't believe in anything that doesn't involve "getting on with it".

Maybe it would help me come to terms with it a move on, even if she never mentions the past or apologises.

I'm glad things are better for you now Mucca

Thanks, another..

Just re-read your OP. Can see now that your mum probably wouldn't be up for therapy. She can't accept her parenting was oppressive for you.

Can you be assertive with her?

Her behaviour is not your fault

Whatever you do (and you did nothing 'bad') can make what your mum did to you excusable.

Your mum should have been proud of you for doing what you did and do.

If you want to forgive, then do so in your own time and because you want to but DO NOT feel like you have to.

I have no real advice as my mother and I have 'issues', there is no chance of my Mother and I ever having a frank conversation WRT to how she treat me as a child and to an extent as an adult as she will not entertain the prospect of her being anything other than perfect. I am having counseling for among other things to help me 'deal' with her.

have a look here

I read something very similar and recognized a lot of my mother in this. It helped me tremendously.
Do keep talking, here and to friends to your Dh/Dp, it helps.

I wish you all the best.

'But I have a child now and I don't understand how she can wake up and get on with her day knowing she behaved like that to me. How can she not apologise or even acknowledge it??'

This rings true with me, I thought I had dealt with my mother and my childhood up until I had children then I found I hadn't. How old id your DD/DS?
It can get better, just takes time.

I have just realized when I said you have done nothing 'bad' it sounded flippant. What I meant was that you did NOTHING which would excuse your mum's abuse of you. There is no excuse for any kind of abuse EVER.

Absolutely NOT your fault. No child makes their parent hit them and no behaviour excuses it.

What about counselling just for you to explore what happened, your feelings about it then and now, and then how you want to proceed.

Of course its not your fault. Counselling would probably be a good option. I also found it useful to read a book called "toxic parents".

I may be wrong, but I strongly doubt she will ever acknowledge what she did wrong or apologise. I think you need a way of dealing with your feelings and your relationship with her. But try and not pin your hopes on an apology - hard I know.

It is very very common for parents to feel overwhelmed with feelings about their negative childhood when they have their own children. It brings everything to the fore again, so this is perfectly normal.

Green monkeys, DD is only 19 months so I'm aware these feelings are quite fresh, well the "how could she" feelings anyway.

Thankyou all for talking, especially the ones at 2am (!), I feel a bit better this morning, just a little drained. Hopefully I will fine again tomorrow. That's the way it is, I'm pretty much okay, and then we have a small blow up, which leads to a huge character assassination and me feeling do raw and wounded for a couple of days.

Just to clarify, I know some people have be concerned that I feel I should forgive but don't want to, that's not really the case. I really really want to forgive and get past this, but everytime we fall out I learn that I just can't except or excuse her behaviour, or maybe I could if she only aknowledge that she was wrong.

Thanks again guys

What happened to you can't be your fault, you were a child.

It may be worth acknowledging, however, how much stress your mum was under?

How old is your mum? Is it possible she's forgotten just how bad it was?

It is not your fault.

She was abusing you.

Nothing excuses that IMO

She is 52. I'm not so sure she has forgotten about it because a couPle of times I have mentioned indervidual incidents ( like the kicking one) and she "oh yeah, but that was because blah blah". Maybe there is the reason, when we get down to the nitty gritty she is always justifying and excusing her behaviour.

I totally acknowledge how much stress she was under and I have told her this. I have told her I understand that it was very hard, and I don't blame her in general for things. Just these specific incidents.

I think the answer is in the paragraph where you say the family was under enormous pressure and couldn't really afford to support you in the way they did. Stress and financial pressure can be awful burdens to bear and it's likely your mum behaved the way she did because of the stress she was under. I am not excusing it! However, if you can understand where her behaviour was coming from perhaps you can begin to forgive her.
You have to see her as a human being, she was in a situation where she wasn't coping - god knows, what parent hasn't felt at some point that they can't cope. If I were you I would talk to her and firstly acknowledge the sacrifices the family made to help you and say how grateful you are, then tell how how you know how stressful it must have been as sometimes she behaved really badly. Then explain how this mixture of guilt and obligation continues to affect you emotionally.

Cross -posts - looks like you've already addressed the above to no avail.

I don't know how you can start forgiving her when she won't acknowledge what she did to you was wrong.

I think it'd be a good idea to get some support/counselling for yourself and see where that leads you.