Should we buy a wedding present?

[ApuskiDusky]

For DH's cousin, even though we are not invited to the wedding?

It's not a particularly small wedding, and pretty much all the rest of DH's family including his mother, brother and his family have been invited. DH isn't particularly close to his cousin, but we do see her and her family maybe twice a year when we visit the rest of his extended family.

I've never been in the position where I've not been invited to a family wedding before, so not sure what the norm is. We've bought a card, but we're not sure whether we should be sticking some vouchers in it or not.

No, I wouldn't. They won't be short of presents and you don't even qualify for an invite.

I wouldn't. If I was invited but couldn't go I probably would but if they didn't think enough of us to invite us I wouldn't get them a present.

I don't mean that in a pissy way. I just wouldn't feel like I should

Just a thought though are you sure they haven't meant to invite you? Just seems pretty strange that the whole of your dh's fmaily are invited but you are not? Is it worth getting your mil / pil to discretely ask their sibling? NOt in an 'I can't believe you haven't invited my son!' way but just a question followed by a reassurance that it is fine not to ask you if that is their choice but you wanted to make sure?

If invited but can't go - yes. Certainly not in this situation though - card is ample.

Card but no present, presents are for guests only

No invite no present.

I wouldn't buy a wedding present if I wasn't invited. Are you certain you're not invited though? I know one of my cousins didn't get my wedding invitation (it must have got lost in the post) and we only found out quite late on. She wasn't able to make it then and had been a bit upset that she hadn't been invited.

no way

Card alone should suffice, but I agree with making a discrete enquiry - maybe mention it to your MiL?

A lovely bottle of wine or champagne at the most. But perfectly acceptable not to buy a present.

Yes I'm pretty sure it's not a mistake. His aunt (bride's mother) set a precedent when she got remarried and invited the rest of the family to the whole thing and us to the evening do only (after telling us earlier that were invited to the whole thing so we could book a hotel room) - with the distance and a baby it wasn't practical to go evening only, so we didn't go (and lost the room deposit, grrr). Still got a present for her though!

We're a bit disappointed not to go, but its their call and their money. We don't want to look like we're offended by not sending a present if it would be the norm to do so - but it's looking like it isn't from the responses so far!

I wouldn't send a present. It might even embarrass them if you did.

In those circumstances i wouldnt even send a card!

I wouldn't bother with a present.

Northeastgirl, I hadn't thought about that, you may well be right.

No I bloody wouldn't.

That seems very mean to exclude just you guys....and I definitely wouldn't be buying a present!

No chance! And I agree with amber actually... wouldn't even bother sending a card.

Sod looking like being offended, I think you would be entirely justified to be.

I would save the card for someone who wants you to share their day.

We're getting married later this year. It'll be a very small wedding with immediate family only (due to financial constraints). This thread has made me realise how awkward I'll feel if anyone we haven't been able to invite buys us a present. Cards would be lovely if any non-invitees are organised enough to remember but presents are absolutely not expected.

Actually I've just remembered one other time I've bought a present when I wasn't invited - but that was a good friend who got married in a hurry because her mum was terminally ill.

Thanks all, I think we'll go ahead with the card but not send a present. It would be amusing if they read out our card as part of the speeches mind!

The only time we have bought a present but not been invited is for some good friends who eloped to Scotland. We had got married the year before and invited them and they had bought us a not inexpensove present.
In the end the whole group of friends clubbed together and bought them vouchers, they said we shouldn't have but we wanted to!
YANBU, if you are feeling like you want to get them something it should be token at most!

A year or so back, in response to a similar thread,I said that I would not send a gift to a wedding if I was not invited. I was accused of being small minded and petty amongst other things. However, like the majority of the posters on this thread, I do believe that if you have not been invited to share in the celebrations, there is (usually) no need to send a gift. I would make an exception to that where there is a sound reason for keeping it extremely small and personal, such as illness and I would also send a gift if I had received an invite but was unable to accept for some reason.

At least your husband's cousin hasn't done what my relative did: send you a really patronising letter explaining why they had invited goodness knows how many friends and acquaintances but no family to their wedding and enclosing a wedding list for us to choose a gift to buy them!