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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to object to my parents talking down to me like a child infront of my DD?

18 replies

LifeIsButtercream · 23/03/2011 16:26

Disclaimer: I am very grateful for everything my parents do to help me.

Parents announced at last minute that on account of the lovely day, they would be going out for lunch, would we like to join them? I said sure, and said I'd prep DD (nearly 2) and the buggy - they said no buggy needed as cafe right next to car park and we wouldn't be walking.

We got there, had lunch at about 12:30pm, I mentioned that DD was tired as she had been up at 6am, I needed to get her home for her nap (if she slept in the car seat she would only sleep for a short time and would struggle for the rest of the afternoon). After lunch parents proceeded to take DD off on a walk ("she wanted to go") - I objected and was brushed off, so grumpy with PMT I quipped that they wouldn't have to deal with the consequences all afternoon. I went with them but had no further need to speak, and was generally ignored, and from experience if I had spoken then no matter what it was I said it would be interpretted as 'sarcastic' or 'sulking', so I kept quiet, they went on their walk and had there lovely grandparent moment etc etc etc.

In car home, DD prompty falls asleep, then as we are getting back to mine for drop off, she wakes and parents are giving me both barrels about how I 'have an attitude problem' and an 'a cow' and have 'ruined the day' and they've been watching me in the mirror and I have been 'pulling faces and sulking' (I had been quiet, but I was knackered after a bad night, and no-one else was speaking anyway so I didn't feel the need to waffle aimlessly to fill the air - maybe I was supposed to.....?). I also text too much and I am rude and ungrateful (I replied to a message over lunch that I felt couldn't wait. One message. Quickly i.e. less than 30seconds). I am nearly 30 FFS.

They have made it clear that on future outings DD would be welcome, but not me. Fine by me! Yes I know they are my parents and have therefore earned the right to belittle me my entire life, but I object to them pulling me up on such pointless and petty things infront of DD.

DD has been up all afternoon now (bar 10mins in the car) and is an over-tired terror.

Grrr rant over, maybe I'm just being hormonal

OP posts:

bintofbohemia · 23/03/2011 16:29

Erm, they sound mental. I wasn't sure until you got to the bit about waking up and getting it both barrels. Sounds like the kind of crap my parents would pull and I now have nothing to do with them.

Is this unusual behaviour or have they always treated you like this?

LindyHemming · 23/03/2011 16:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bintofbohemia · 23/03/2011 16:33

Sorry - just re-read that they have belittled you your whole life.

I don't know if I'm barking up the wrong tree but my parents (dad and SM) have treated me like crap most of my life, but I only started to see this for what it is since having children. I found it threw things into sharp relief and when their controlling behaviour started to affect my new family I had to stand back and stop letting them do this to all of us.

I don't know if your situation is similar but something about this really struck a chord with me. Please don't let them continue to treat you like shit in front of your children.

Rachiebabes11 · 23/03/2011 16:33

No not at all. My parents still treat me like a child also (not got to the point where I've said anything yet). But no, you shouldn't have to put up with that. At the end of the day, YOU are the mother of your DD and you make the rules. If DD needs to go home to sleep then your parents should respect that!

You are an adult now, and as such you should be treated like one. From your post it sounded much like my teenage days!

As much as you probably don't want to, next time they start going on a rant at you, i would probably calmly ask them to wait until your out of earshot of your daughter, if she see's other people talking to you like that, she might think she can too!

Good luck with this... wish we could pick our parents!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/03/2011 16:34

You texted over lunch?

Your DD wouldn't have taken any notice of your 'dressing down'. Accept the points that are true, ignore the ones that aren't and don't let this blow up into something it doesn't need to be.

If I get hormonal, my DH says (in that annoying voice)... "Someone's overtired...."

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 23/03/2011 16:34

A lot of the time they are really nice, but God help me if I object to something or am interpretted as 'sarcastic' (I can sometimes be sarcastic, but also have a wonderful skill of sounding sarcastic - heaven knows why).

They are now bleating on about how they 'didn't deserve this', in a nutshell I am skum-of-the-earth material, I have learnt to never object to anything they suggest, and never imply that I know best how to handle my DD or what is best for her.

The problem is I can't raise this with them or discuss it with them, as they always end up treating me like a teenager, but I'm an ADULT like them!

Grrrrrr attempts to drown self in chocolate icecream

OP posts:

LindyHemming · 23/03/2011 16:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

compo · 23/03/2011 16:39

Tbh I think yabu
they took you out for lunch
you were grumpy , texting and wittering on about naps
at almost two the nap stage will soon be over
I feel sorry for your parents and can see where they're coming from tbh

bintofbohemia · 23/03/2011 16:40

If you can't raise it you need distance so you can think about your own boundaries and what you are willing to accept.

It can be hard if you have had a lifetime of this low level but toxic treatment to stand back and see it for what it is, but you need to do it.

Original poster

LifeIsButtercream · 23/03/2011 16:42

Thanks compo - I do actually really appreciate a little perspective on this! For what its worth, I sent a quick reply while people were coming and going, ordering etc so not in the middle of a conversation, or ignoring anyone.

Bring on the end of the nap stage - feels like 'stop the world, its naptime!' round here sometimes!

OP posts:

diddl · 23/03/2011 16:42

Why do you bother to see them?

If either parent called me a cow they could piss right off tbh.

bintofbohemia · 23/03/2011 16:42

She sent one text message and deserves to be called a cow? Seriously?

LindyHemming · 23/03/2011 16:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grumblinalong · 23/03/2011 17:03

'have learnt to never object to anything they suggest, and never imply that I know best how to handle my DD or what is best for her'

I could have wrote this myself. I have exactly the same problem with my parents. YANBU. I was a young single mother with DS1 (have you got a partner, what does he think?) and it's only since getting married to DH, having DS2) and seeing how MIL & FIL treat DH and myself (like adults and parents) compared to how my parents treat me (like a teenager who doesn't know what I'm doing) that I've seen actually how domineering my parents really are. You really need to stand up for yourself consistently by the sound of it. You are your DD's mother FGS!

I'm a week into not communicating with my parents because they said (in a 1 hour visit) mine and DH's life 'is just crisis management', I'm the worlds meanest mum for not letting DC's have a creme egg after their pudding, I said no to my dad trying to palm off a book case that he'd got out of a skip on me so he called me ungrateful and he then kept whipping me in the face with a sock Even 7 year old DS noticed that my Dad winds me up unfairly. My mum just sits there with a blank look on her face and gently undermines every parenting decision I make. If I wasn't 7 months pregnant, struggling with hyperemesis and holding down a responsible job and caring for 2 children maybe I'd have more time for them but at the moment I can not be bothered with people who do not want to support me, only abuse me. I'd try to address your parents attitude towards you before it gets to the stage I'm at tbh.

plupedantic · 23/03/2011 17:04

If you are "a cow" and "have an attitude problem", why are your parents still seeing you?

In particular, it should take an awful lot for adults to tell other adults they are "rude and ungrateful", whereas that sort of language does come more readily when talking to a teenager...

Sounds as though you need to spend some time away from them. Do you have a proper relationship with your ILs, which you could use to "learn" how a non-dysfunctional relationship should be?

colditz · 23/03/2011 17:05

Don't allow them to have any more contact. it seems like they haven't yet grasped that contact with your daughter is decided on how they behave in front of her, and that includes how they treat her mother - their daughter- ie YOU.

Kewcumber · 23/03/2011 17:09

"Sounds as though you need to spend some time away from them" my thoughts too. Don;t be rude or deliberately ignore tehm just take a bit of space and think about how you could change your relationship with them.

If my motehr calledme a cow (unless I really felt it would be deserved) ther ewould be a great deal of space for a while!

Kewcumber · 23/03/2011 17:10

like colditz I'm slightly bemused by the fact they think there is the option of your DD coming without you

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