to consider booking a trip to my parents and not include step daughter

[lurkeyishere]

My parents live in another country and usually we plan a trip to visit them for 10 days in the 6 weeks holidays
I can only get holidays from work for 12 days in august but it clashes with the time my SD goes away with her mum by 5 days
AIBU to consider going without her? my parents arent her biological grandparents and this will probably be our only holiday this year my DH is a bit miffed she usually comes with us he thinks we should just travel there for the remaining 7 days but my arguement is we will be traveling for a day at either end of the holiday we will only have 5 days there instead of the usuall 7 or 8

Could your DH and SD travel out together and join you?

Is it out of the question to see if her Mum can change her dates at all?

Can you go for the full time and he come with DD when she can come?

Personally if you get on fine I think it would be nice to include her. I know they are not her biological grandparents but you are now all part of one family I would have thought.

How old is your SD? Is she bothered about coming with you to visit your parents? If it is something she enjoys doing and she and your DH would be sad to miss their family break together, I think YABU to go without her. If SD is perhaps older and not fussed about going then YANBU to go without her and maybe try to sort a long weekend away which does include her at another time of the year.

I don't think the step is the important part here - only that (step)Mum can only go and visit the Grandparents when she has AL and the daughter^ has another commitment that clashes - I'd say the same if it was her birth daughter and a guide camp.

kreecher we travel by ferry so that would mean two lots of fuel and ferry costs for two cars plus we have 4 kids together so it would mean me traveling for a day with 4 kids under 6 alone
chipping my DH and her mum speak to each other for the sake of speaking she wouldnt even consider changing in fact she would love this its just another reason for her to say we are trying to push her out
when in fact she spends a 3 day weekend here we have never gone away without her before not even for a day trip she is always included yet her mum thinks its fine to take her other kids away and exclude my SD because shes with her dad in the 12 years we have been together we have never even had as much as a weekend away alone because my DH wont add fuel to the fire by saying he cant see her
up a hill my parents treat her as one of their own grandkids and always have the last time my parents where visiting she refused to come to see them because "they wherent her real GP" that hurt my mum alot shes known my SD since she was 1 and half

Kamer she is 13 and tbh atm she is very materialistic My parents spoil the kids when they see them because they only see them 4 or 5 times a year so I get the feeling thats what she will miss not the trip iykwim?

there will be plenty of weekend trips starting in April we own a caravan so it almost every week or every other week we go away

I can understand why that would hurt your mum.
I hope she didn't take it too personally because kids that age say the most horrible things without always realising the hurt they caues.

(Blushes with shame at some of the things I've said to my mum when I was a kid!!)

I don't think it's unreasonable at all for you to go away without your dsd, the only problem appears to be that your dh doesn't want to, which is understandable.

Presumably he can only have limited annual leave at that time of year too, and if he spent it all away with you, then he would have no time left to spend with his dd over the long summer holiday.

If you go away and spend lots of other quality time all together, I don't think that should be much of a problem though, I guess that would carry on over the summer holidays too.

Ultimately though, I don't think this is worth argueing withyour DH over. If he is adamant that he wants his dd to join you, then you will just have to go for the smaller amount of time. Maybe he could still take the extra days off work though and you could still have a nice family day out.

Don't see why you should get less time with your parents (who you only see a handful of times a year) just so you can sit at home while your SD is on holiday with her mother...

Why can't you all go out together and then your SD can come over later - your DH could pick her SD up from the ferry terminal (at 13 she ought to be mature enough to get a ferry by herself, surely).

YANBU

There are 4 other kids to consider here. Why should their time with their grandparents be reduced because your DH's ex is awkward.

I agree with chaotic angel- it's not fair on your other kids. And given that she wasn't interested in seeing them last time, I think I'd work on the assumption that she won't be bothered.

The ex may not be being awkward, she has maybe already booked that holiday, or maybe she can only get specific days off work. We have had difficulty getting holidays that suit all kids and exes.
If your stepdaughter wants to come and your husband wants her to come I would dleay the holiday until she can come, although I suspect I may be more inclined to just take 2 or 3 kids with me for the full 12 days and leave 1 or 2 with their dad to follow with their stepsister if taking 4 is too many. Don't see why it has to be all or nothing.

YANBU

Is there plane access to your parents? Would it be possible for you all (except SD) to travel by ferry on the original date and then your DH to fly back to pick up SD and fly back with her. Then you can all (including) SD travel back by ferry together.

Yes, it would add to the cost, but perhaps a reasonable compromise to keep DH happy and make sure SD feels included?