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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to keep a dignified silence even though I know I should?

23 replies

stillfrazzled · 22/03/2011 19:05

Just logged onto Facebook for the first time in ages. There is a message from my last ex but one. The immensely twatty one who alienated most of my friends and family, got prosecuted for fraud and in the middle of being prosecuted for fraud, announced he wanted an 'open relationship' (translation: to shag other women) even though I'd been worrying myself sick about him (I was very young and very stupid, which is my only excuse). I am also almost certain he cheated on me before that.

He even whined about being punished enough after his pathetically light sentence, at which point I lost all respect for him.

The message says hello, and that he didn't send a friend request because having been such an 'unmitigated sod' to me he didn't know how it would be received.

It was ten years ago but I doubt he's less of a twunt now. I am happy in my life and happy not having contact with him ever again.

My first instinct was just to ignore message, but given the approx one million times I wrote a scornful letter in my head after ditching him, I just wondered if there was a better and more dignified way of conveying exactly how much of a twat (not sod) he is and how little I give a shit about him?

I throw it open to the MN nest of vipers Grin

However, for quite a while after we broke up

OP posts:
Original poster
stillfrazzled · 22/03/2011 19:07

Feck it, thought I'd previewed, not posted! Ignore last half sentence, please.

OP posts:
mmsmum · 22/03/2011 19:08

Block him

Lavitabellissima · 22/03/2011 19:09

Don't do it, you would regret it. I would ignore his friend request, not reply and get on with your life. Well done for getting rid Wine

squeakytoy · 22/03/2011 19:09

probably best to just block him and forget you ever heard from him..

Lavitabellissima · 22/03/2011 19:10

I'm' interested on the last sentence now

MaisyMooCow · 22/03/2011 19:12

I'm with all of the above! :)

bupcakesandcunting · 22/03/2011 19:12

Ignore ignore ignore.

Original poster
stillfrazzled · 22/03/2011 19:13

Was only variation on the 'writing scornful letters' bit. Believe me, once out I did not look back!

OP posts:
TheVisitor · 22/03/2011 19:13

Block him.

GreenToes · 22/03/2011 19:13

Your first instinct was right. Delete the message, block him and just carry on enjoying your life without him :)

pjmama · 22/03/2011 19:14

Absolutely ignore.

domesticslattern · 22/03/2011 19:14

Ignore. Ignore. Ignore.

Panda1234 · 22/03/2011 19:15

As far as I know, you can't respond to a friend request, apart from hitting 'ignore', without giving them some level of access, even if it's just viewing your limited profile for a fortnight or something.

I could be wrong, but might be worth checking? I would block though - block your entire profile so you won't even come up if he searches for you again.

Tw1nkle · 22/03/2011 19:16

I think you should you ignore him - that is if you are actually totally over him?

Either way i think you should ignore him, it was a long time ago, and you both should have moved on by now. nothing to gain by replying IMO.

RunsWithScissors · 22/03/2011 19:17

To be honest... the best way to let him know what you think of him, is to stay silent. That tells him he's not even worth a quick message. If you reply, he knows that he still has some affect on you, and can possibly try to explain himself. I think him admitting to his behaviour is probably his way of trying to joke his way out of how he treated you.

You said yourself you are happy with your life. Don't let him back in. The best revenge is living well, and it sounds like you are without him :-)

curlymama · 22/03/2011 19:24

The fact that you have posted on here and care enough to even think about writing back to him, are obvious evidence that you do care really.

If you genuinely didn't care, you would not feel any need to tell him how little you give a shit about him.

Think about an ex that you really don't give a shit about, or an ex friend, or any other random that you dislike. Would you think about it this much?

Admit that you do give a shit a teeny little bit, and then block him. Smile

PeterAndreForPM · 22/03/2011 19:40

the only dignified response is none

animula · 22/03/2011 19:42

Ignoring is the best thing to do, because it leaves the other person squirming in uncertainty ... forever.

Revel in that thought.

and good luck with your life, young frazzled - wishing you much better.

Pagwatch · 22/03/2011 19:46

If it is any help ignoring him is the very clearest way of indicating that you think he is a twat..not even worth replying to.

As soon as you engage with him you will seem interested to him. Even if it is to call him names.

Northeastgirl · 22/03/2011 19:51

I was interested to see the responses from others, as my instinct would be to send a polite response that discourages any further contact. Not sure what it would say though!

Perhaps the others are right, although I suspect the fact you've posted here means you are tempted to reply to him.

animula · 22/03/2011 19:55

The thing is, Stillfrazzled, the reason you want to write something is because he caused you a lot of pain, and affected your life, badly, for many years.

Part of you wants to prove to him, and yourself, that you've overcome the damage.

Part of you wants to imply that the damage was therefore not permanent; you've recovered.

But saying something along those lines a. diminishes the harm he did and b. may let him off the hook for his behaviour/real effect on your life and c. diminishes the harm he did.

Another part of you wants acknowledgment for the hurt done, and an apology for that, even a recompense.

But making yourself open for that means risking giving him the power of acknowledging that he did, once, have the power to fiancially and emotionally hurt you -- and even risks suggesting (to him, to yourself) that he might do so again.

I reckon that he would have to do a great deal more than post on your facebook some rubbish, half-arsed apology to prove that he is trustworthy enough for any kind of response.

You deserve a lot more.

Original poster
stillfrazzled · 22/03/2011 20:25

A practically unanimous AIBU! Shock

RunsWithScissors, I think the only bit I'm not over is how bloody stupid I was to put up with him. Still cannot believe I was such an idiot.

And am now utterly convinced that the only way to convey my bottomless contempt for him is to not to acknowledge his existence. Whoever said he's trying to let himself off the hook by making a joke of it all is quite right, and animula, you've hit the nail on the head with all of your post.

He did hurt me badly (ten years older than me and I was only just out of my teens). The worst bit was all the people, including family, who backed off because they hated him so much. Thus ensuring me sticking with him because I was so lonely.

Weird, how it all comes back. Bad times.

OP posts:
hairylights · 22/03/2011 20:38

Ignore it and any subsequent attempts. That sends a veryclear message to him about how you feel about him.

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