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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

for wanting a home birth?

21 replies

MalkieFraser · 22/03/2011 14:05

I have many reasons for wanting to have my next child (due in a few weeks) at home.

My DH has one reason why I shouldn't - "How would you live with yourself if something tragic happened, something that would have been preventable in hospital/adjoining birth centre? How would I live with YOU?" he says.

My midwives informed us they don't carry resus or suction equipment to homebirths. The local hospital is 15 mins away.

I feel that I NEED to have my DH support me 100% but this is the one area in which I cannot tell him confidently that nothing tragic is going to happen that would be attributed to my decision to have our child at home. It appears to come down to me either sticking to my guns and having the birth I want, and dealing with the responsibility, or having a birth I don't want because I can't guarantee him it'll all be fine.

OP posts:

Chil1234 · 22/03/2011 14:09

YANBU for wanting it, but that's not the point here. There's more than one person involved, feelings are strong on both sides and you need to reach a happy compromise, not just stick to your guns and bully it through. Otherwise, whether it goes well or badly, there will always be resentment simmering.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 14:09

Yu couldn't guarantee him it would be fine even if you had the baby in hospital.

Have you presented him with hard cold facts about home births/talked to midwife when he's around etc? Perhaps he's worried about you but not verbalising it well. Think he needs more info and then maybe he will feel happier.

TysonNobdie86 · 22/03/2011 14:11

Just to say you can get refused a homebirth at any small thing, your dh does have a say about his baby so maybe you should compromise and go to a MLU.
You need your dh's support on this.

mmsmum · 22/03/2011 14:11

He's just scared and YANBU it's you that's giving birth not him.

Maybe midwifes don't carry it because they don't usually need it, giving birth is the most natural thing in the world and the hospital sounds really close if there were any need for it

I think when you can't agree then you do what the mum wants because it is her going through it not the dad

Original poster

MalkieFraser · 22/03/2011 14:20

He was with me when we spoke to the midwife yesterday and she really seemed to be sitting on the fence and not wanting to take sides:(

He does see the MLU as a compromise - I don't.

OP posts:

ENormaSnob · 22/03/2011 14:22

Research all the facts and make an informed decision together.

Look at homebirth, mlu and clu.

Midwives carry o2 and will be able to perform basic resus at home.

nobodyimportant · 22/03/2011 14:24

It is you giving birth, but it's his baby too. I don't think it is fair to disregard his feelings.

Why are you so desperate to have a home birth? I think that has some bearing on this.

vouvrey · 22/03/2011 14:24

Why on earth has the midwife said that? I thought they had to in the uk?

Are you high risk? If you arent then ask your dp how he would feel if you/your baby died because of being in hospital eg mrsa? Is he willing to take that responsibility, because if you are low risk the chances of something like that are equel to a hb tradgedy.

nubbins · 22/03/2011 14:28

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all, but if your DH is on your side it makes life a lot easier.

I was watched a lot more closely by my midwife at my home birth than I was during my hospital ones and I have every faith that she would have sent me in at the first sign of trouble. I really think that if something is going to happen so suddenly that a midwife would not spot it in advance, then you are not really any safer in hospital than you are at home. There are also a lot of stories of mothers 'knowing' somthing is going to happen and going in voluntarily.

See if you DH along to a homebirth group to talk to people about it.

bemybebe · 22/03/2011 14:36

I have spoken to a number of ind midwifes for my birth in late sept and there are all saying that if there are problems, it is usually very clear from how individual labour is progressing. One team said in their 10 year independent career they went to the hospital only 3 times, one at the request of the mother who was in labour for a long time and just 'had enough' (poor thing!) and wanted an epidural.

atthecarwash · 22/03/2011 14:43

Have it at hospital.
I had a very easy 1st labour at hospital so thought I'd have DS2 at home.

Had to be rushed to hospital, shoulder dystocia nad 3rd degree tear for me.DS2 spent 2 days in NICU.
Do you want oo put your baby's life at risk???

Olifin · 22/03/2011 14:47

Not sure that's helpful atthecarwash.

It sounds like you had a very traumatic experience which is obviously going to influence your views.

Plenty of women have uncomplicated HBs. I'm sorry you didn't.

valiumredhead · 22/03/2011 14:49

The OP is 15 mins from the hospital - not miles away.

Crawling · 22/03/2011 14:53

I had this problem on my second and had a hospital birth. On my third now and I offered a compromise that being if DP read all the literature on home births and was still unhappy I would go to hospital. He read the literature I gave him and asked to do some reasearch himself and is now happier with a home birth. Could you do something similar?

brass · 22/03/2011 14:54

I'm sorry your DH isn't being more supportive. If it helps I had my second one at home (with my DH's full support) and it was wonderful. Text book delivery. Lovely treatment by the midwives. Safe and sound (and clean!!) in my own home.

If you had no complications in your previous delivery and this pregnancy is going well and there are no other health factors to take into consideration please don't give up.

Are there other home birth mums in your area the midwives can put you in touch with to talk about their experiences and reassure your husband? Why is he so worried?

I understand it is a big responsibility to carry on your own without his support and it's not what you need for a smooth labour. At the same time he can't guarantee what will happen at hospital. It's very unhelpful demanding guarantees as no one can provide them! He needs to discuss this with you more constructively without laying on all the guilt.

EauRouge · 22/03/2011 14:55

I had a homebirth with DD2 3 weeks ago and I agree with nubbins, you get a lot more attention from the MWs, they were with me constantly and got to know me and so knew how I was coping and how things were progressing. I wouldn't do it again because I want more pain relief next time but at no point did I feel like I was in danger.

My DH was unsure to start with but we did a lot of research together, this site is very useful.

AnnieLobeseder · 22/03/2011 14:55

I had DD1 in hospital because DH had similar worries to your DH's, even though I wanted a home birth. I had an awful experience, and we were totally neglected and uncared for. So I had DD2 at home (DH was more receptive to the idea this time around, but I didn't care what he thought anyway after my hideous time in hospital).

My home birth was wonderful, two attentive midwives, total care and focussed attention.

I've had friends who had homebirths where things went wrong, and they transferred to hospital no problem.

I know of one person where a homebirth went horribly wrong, and that's Riven. But I've read other stories where things went horribly wrong in hospital because of overstretched midwives not picking up a problem in time. In those cases, a homebirth would have been safer.

Neither option is safer than the other, both could go wrong, both could result in a bad outcome which could have been avoided if you'd made the other choice.

Do what you feel most comfortable with.

toodles · 22/03/2011 14:59

The supervisor midwife who attended me during my 2nd homebirth told me there was no difference between a homebirth and a birth at her MLU. If something went wrong at the MLU then mothers would be transferred to the nearest CLU 20 mins away. If you're going to end up in a hospital then I actually don't see the point of a MLU (might as well have all the facilities on hand if you're going to a hospital setting).

zikes · 22/03/2011 15:02

I'd try to make sure he reads lots of stuff about homebirth. I'm not sure that his fears should outweigh your reasons for wanting a homebirth. You could turn it round really, what about the possibility of you resenting him if you have a bad birth experience in a place you don't want to go?

I was lucky, had supportive midwife who was totally unphased by my choice to have a homebirth and dh who was happy to go along with it.

toodles · 22/03/2011 15:06

My 3rd homebirth, I was transferred, because baby passed meconium. I was considered high risk then so ended up on the CLU with a midwife constantly by my side with continuous monitoring. Baby was never in distress by the way, she was just more than ready to come out being 42+2. I did have a very positive experience being on the CLU but I think that had more to do with the fact that I had a really lovely midwife and was never left alone because baby was considered high risk.

Onetoomanycornettos · 22/03/2011 15:17

Toodles, same happened to me, started out with home birth, but rushed in due to meconium, but because I started at home, I had a lovely midwife at my side from early on, and I only had her in attendance for the entire birth (the consultant at the hospital didn't make it in time as my daughter shot into the world rather quickly!)

I feel really sad when I see all the mums in OBEM left for long periods without a midwife around, I had the same one for the seven hours I was in labour, and she helped me deliver without a scratch. We gave her a pressie afterwards as that is traditional in my husband's country. I still think about her now!

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