Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

Original poster

feedback during sex?

20 replies

Kitsichick · 21/03/2011 12:22

I am the OP who posted under 'weight' in AIBU this weekend. I'm sorry I don't know how to show the link. I don't know if I am being stupid or not- maybe over sensitive...
DH and I had a nice w/end together. I did go for another walk with him and did not eat any junk but cooked us both lovely fresh foods- it felt like we were getting close again. However I was massively tired by bed and was really looking forward to reading a bit before sleeping. He had had the evening soacking in the bath while I finsihed up house stuff and then he did some office work as he has major presentations this week-

When he came to bed I was still reading and I thnaked him for a nice w/end. He started kissing me and saying 'I was hoping we could make itreally special'..... I guess I shouldn't have sighed....Anyway. I put the book down and turned to him etc etc and he asked would I climb on top of him. I am conscious of my weight at the mo and I have stiff joints anyway and certainly so after two long walks! But I did...and when I moved off him (sorry this is icky to write) he then sulked and said' oh, you've gone back to lying down and being passive again have you?'

I was FURIOUS and hurt and upset. He then said sex should be more energetic and fun. That he was only trying to pep things up and surely this was a good time to raise it! I didn't speak. I turned my back and was still awake at 330am. I am so upset. He has made it worse by saying it is so boring and I used to be 'so much fun'.

He knows I am in a lot of pain physically from the car accident most of the time and from dropping out of the adoption I am in mental upset. His other rejoinder was 'for a person who likes children you don't spend any time with them'. I could only say 'its too upsetting for me....' but its like everything I do is wrong.

How can I be more tigery in bed - SHOULD I be? WHAT'S WRONG with wanting to read a book and not have sex with a sulky baby husband!

OP posts:

dementedma · 21/03/2011 12:24

nothing is wrong with it. Whack him over the head with the book good and hard and tell him to grow up!

kenobi · 21/03/2011 14:14

Oh really? So he wasn't the one being lazy then, expecting you to stay on top? You did as he asked despite not being in the mood, then he didn't so much puncture the mood as stab it to death.

The only time you can talk about sex (or anything really) is when you are NOT in the middle of it.

It was supremely daft of him to believe that saying that "he was only trying to pep things up and surely this was a good time to raise it" was a good thing to say at that time. It's like back seat driving - when does criticism when driving EVER help the driver?

And him saying that you don't spend any time around children is at best wilfully stupid and at worst cruelly provocative if you have been having issues around adoption. I didn't read your previous thread but is he trying to push you away/punish you for something? You need to sit down and have a good chat about what he wants from you and vice versa.

(As to posting links, all you need to do is go back to the previous thread, copy and paste it in a message box then click 'convert links automatically' just below.)

I hope I haven't been tactless in my reply but based on this alone, he is being an utter wally.

pinkytheshrinky · 21/03/2011 14:18

Honestly sounds to me like he would like you to be more sexually dominant.... maybe not your thing but interesting he said:

oh, you've gone back to lying down and being passive again have you?'

just a thought

Sn0wflake · 21/03/2011 14:21

He's being very unkind to you which is not loving behaviour.

I don't think this will be sorted out here.

If you find it difficult to resolve issues yourself with your DH I think you need to go to relate or something similar.

ilovemyhens · 21/03/2011 14:21

Tie him up and give him a bloody good thrashing

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 14:23

best solution Hen

purplepidjin · 21/03/2011 14:28

So his foreplay was a quick snog and ordering you on top.

What happened to cuddles, nibbles, flattery... I think he needs a kick in the bollocks to get his priorities right - ie, you first then him!

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 14:30

if he wants you on top
fine just turn round and sit on his face
why should he have all the pleasure!

TryingVeryHard · 21/03/2011 14:40

at Jessica - that is a bit extreme - I'm more with Hens on this one!

OP, I don't think it's unusual to talk about sex while you're at it, it just needs to be very carefully phrased!

Your DH sounds a bit insensitive bless him.... "trying to pep things up and surely this was a good time to raise it".... he got that wrong but I don't think he meant to hurt your feelings.

Talk to him. Nicely.

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 14:59

TVH the tieing up bit happens before sitting on him

TryingVeryHard · 21/03/2011 15:27

Oh I see that's allright then

... and if I'm honest... ...I misread your post, I read "shit" instead of sit that's why I said it's extreme!

Chil1234 · 21/03/2011 15:38

YANBU... what a total passion-killer you've got there! He should save the appraisals for work, for chrissakes. If he wants sexy, energetic and enthusiasic doesn't he know he should be complimenting you, buttering you up and giving you the old twinkly flirty treatment well before opening the bedroom door... the fool?

Then again, you're reading a book which isn't a come-on either. Sounds like a combination of missed signals and crassness. Maybe book another weekend but everyone go with the same intentions?

JessicaDrew · 21/03/2011 15:41

but the book was "how to drive your man wild in bed"
sorry couldn't resist that

nickelbabysnatcher · 21/03/2011 15:42

he was out of order.

If he wanted to have sex with you to make it a perfect weekend, then he should be saying things like "oh, I love to see your beautiful body, will you go on top?"
and when you're too self-conscious to carry on, he should say "that was great! I hope we can do that again some time" and "my turn to be on top!"

not critcising you for not wanting to be on top, when you've made an effort to do what he likes!

madonnawhore · 21/03/2011 15:52

I did a guilty lol at the thread title, imagining that sound you get when you put a microphone too close to the speakers...

Anyway, apologies for being facetious, I see this is a serious thread and I have to say that your H sounds like a bit of an insensitive, selfish asshole.

curlymama · 21/03/2011 15:54

It sounds to me like he did to all the right things before you actually got into the bedroom, you said you bith had a lovely weekend. What more is a man supposed to do just to get his wife to sleep with him?

at all the comments saying that he should be buttering you up and the like. The man is your husband!

I think this is definately a case where we need to hear his side of the story too to be able to make a reasonable judgement on whether he was being out of order or not.

When was the last time the two of you had enjoyable sex with each other? I think that makes a difference as to how tactful he can be expected to be.

Or do his feelings about everything not count because he is a man?

Surely he has been stressed about the adoption thing too? And his wife being in a car accident?It's probably just that he has found it hard in a very different way to you, but his feelings are equally as valid and important as yours.

Bottom line is, you need to have an honest discussion with him. And if you find it hard to talk reasonably and come to a way to make things better between you, you should go to relate.

nickelbabysnatcher · 21/03/2011 16:47

curly - only buttering up once in the act - DH always says really lovely things to me while we're doing it - he would never dream of saying I was lazy because I didn't want to do a position he preferred!

NorthernGobshite · 21/03/2011 16:51

He's an idiot. Have you been able to speak to him about it in the cold light of day?

curlymama · 21/03/2011 16:55

Neither would my DH, I think he likes his tackle wher it is!

But it does sound like there is another very relevant side to this story to me. How do we know that the OP's dh didn't give her any compliments at all. He might well have done, and it may have made no differnce to how self conscious Kits was feeling. Did she give him any compliments? Maybe he would have appreciated them too. Especially if they haven't been very active in the bedroom for a while. It would be fair to say that the Dh could be worried about whether or not his wife still finds him attractive.

redexpat · 21/03/2011 22:23

That all sounds upsetting. If he is anything like my DH, he just doesn't GET how much pain you are in, or how upset you have been over other things, and once you tell him, he will be mortified to realise that he was a contributing factor. But he won't get it unless you tell him. I know it's tough to talk sometimes, but maybe if you wrote him a letter explaining why you were upset, why his comments were particularly hurtful. If the physical side of things has been lacking it sometimes helps to acknowledge this with him. It tells him that you haven't forgotten what great sex is either, which I think is reassuring for him. It indicates that the blip is temporary.

If that doesn't work try relate, or even the marriage course (ask your vicar, even if you're not a person of faith).

Flip