AIBU to be wary about taking my DC to PIL's due to the state of their house?

[wobblyweeble82]

Ohhh, this is a tricky one. To be blunt about it, my PIL's house is a state. I'm not just talking a bit untidy, and a bit dirty, I'm talking an actual state. FIL is a hoarder and MIL is a smoker (although living in that, I can't criticise that vice as it has to be a coping mechanism). We recently found out from my SIL (who lives abroad) that they'd been reported to Environmental Health . There's no where to sit, everything is filthy, there is actual junk everywhere, the garden is full of rusty old bikes, scaffolding poles, the house is riddled with mildew and mould in most rooms; there's fly paper hung from the lounge ceiling light complete with dead flies, that has hung there for two years now and it was only after SIL's visit to them that they finally put a toilet seat on their loo after 3 years of the old one breaking. And that's without me fretting about the smoking issue. They're not old or decrepit by any stretch of the imagination - in my mind, there's no reason why they choose to live like that.

It's never been a major issue until now really - my DS is from a previous relationship and whilst he has a 'fine' relationship with them, he doesn't spend time with them as he does he maternal/paternal grandparents. The problem arises as I'm now 32 weeks pregnant with their DS. I just don't know how to handle it all. The house is no place for a baby, let alone a toddler who is into everything, but at the same time, I don't want to ostricise them either and jeopardise the grandparent/child relationship. DH is mortified by it all - he's tried subtly-subtly approaching it as had SIL on our behalf. I'm thinking he needs to just be blunt about it now but understand that it's easier said than done. Granted, I'm a hormonal monster at the moment, but having been there this weekend for a coffee, in my mind there's simply no way I can take a newborn baby into that environment. :( Advice please. Or a phone number for Kim and Aggie failing that.

I a wimp so I would just work really hard to get them to come to your house all the time.

Is there any reason that your dc would even NEED to go there?

Poor you! You're right, there's no way you can take a baby into that sort of environment. I think it is up to your DH to tell them you don't want your baby exposed to smoke, and that they are welcome to visit you and the baby at your home.

Hi wobbly, tricky situation indeed, sounds serious if they have been reported to Environmental health!!

Totaly see why you wouldn't take a newborn there, don't do it if that's how you feel, especially since it sounds like your DH is on your side.

I think you're right, use the new baby excuse to ask DH to be blunt about it and see what happends... Maybe make a list of the most important things that you need to see changing, so your DH can have some "suggestions" when talking to his parents.

I wouldn't worry about ruining the grandparent/child relationship though, presumably they can still have fun together but in other places, if push comes to shelf!?

Oh how terrible. I think your DH needs to tackle this one though. His sister and him should sit down with their parents and say they're seriously worried about the state of the place and their health and that they can't bring children in to the house. You have to be blunt sometimes. Perhaps suggest throwing a load of old tat away and then hiring a cleaning company to do a blitz of the place (could they afford that? If not could you all chip in?). Are they not embarrassed at the state of the place?

Fuck it, just tell them. It might make them sort it out. Or you might fall out with them forever - either way, you won't have to deal with their shitty house. Win/win.

It is a dangerous place to take a baby so you can't take your baby there full stop.

It sounds like a very serious problem and you won't tackle it by subtly hinting that the house could do with a spring clean etc. You just need to see them at your house/take them on days out to parks/zoos or whatever. You don't need to state "I am not bringing the baby to your house", you just need to find wasy around it. If they get blunt and say why won't you come to our house, you can simply state that it is not child friendly.

(don't mention the smoking because it may be taken as a personal attack, although obviously that is dangerous to babies)

Talk to them about it head on. Subtle obviously hasn't worked, so honesty might. If it doesn't then you've been upfront about why the kids aren't going there, and they can always come to you.

Reading your post title, I was all set to say "YABU".. but having read the details I can say, categorically, that YANBU. Bloody hell!

My MIL's house is nowhere near that bad but even so, we refuse to stay there. She is a hoarder (although ornaments and rugs rather than junk), a smoker, and the house is not as clean as it should be because she is seriously ill and cannot cope with the housework. I won't eat there either.

No way should you go with a baby- and tell them why. They should be ashamed of themselves.

Oh how sad. Has your DH thought about getting him some help? It's an awful condition to live with.

Thanks all for the words thus far. DH is stuck between a rock and a hard place with it all. He fundamentally is mortified by it - as a child they were always a bit messy but this is whole new dizzying heights of mess. DH and I were childhood sweethearts before we went off and did our uni thing before colliding back together again four years ago and I remember the house as a teenager - sure it wasn't a show home, but it was clean. DH understands why I don't want to take the baby there when she arrives (he of couse agrees) but hasn't quite yet found the balls to tell them. I'm also aware that if I say it all has to be at our house, I might end up with them just turning up out of the blue and hanging about for hours on end. Guess how much I don't want that, especially as I try to establish BF etc! I guess what I want advice with now is how to approach telling them that they've got to sort themselves out if they want a 'normal' relationship with their granddaughter. Do I just bite the bullet and come out with it? Or make DH do it?

What babyapplejack says.

It's all very well people saying 'just tell them' but it's so hard when its close family.

My mum smokes (in the back garden) and she minds DD one day a week for me. She does not smoke around her at all, but the house does smell of it a bit. She washes all of DDs clothes, pyjamas and sleeping bag to hand back to me - but I always wash them all again when I get home. I've been trying to find the words to tell her I do this for a year now but I'm a wimp and I can't - she is my mum and I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I suppose you will just have to plod on, and have them round to yours all the time. They are not likely to change their ways now, not for themselves so certainly not for you and your family. Huge sympathies to you and YAdefNBU.

Can social services be involved at all? I am sure when I trained as a nurse that HVs were visiting elderly people (unless I am confusing DNs with HVs).
It sounds a shitty situation all round. My DD wouldn't be visiting them that's for sure.

stressheaderic That's it exactly - close family and it's so very difficult. And I sneakily suspect you're right about them not changing their ways now, as sad as it is.

kreecherlivesupstairs They're not elderly - MIL still works and FIL is self employed so picks and chooses when he works. Granted, they need help but social services isn't the right agency. I'd be a whole more sympathetic is they were elderly. Intervention would be easier too.

Due to ill health my grandparents home got like this although not as bad.
My Grandad had sceptic rhumetoid arthiritis, and Nan had senile dementure.

My uncle lived with them and did fuck all. So I went there and did it myself. I gave them my washing machine as my uncle expected Grandad to wash his clothes by hand, my microwave and toaster. All nessecities for 82yr olds which their own son couldn't help get.

It made a whole heap of difference.
I dismantled the old beds and sofas, chucked them out, threw all the old newspapers away. Scrubbed and bleached everywhere.

It wasn't that my grandparents didn't want to do it, just they genuinely couldn't.

Sadly my grandad passed away a few months after this and my nan went into a care home as I lived too far away to be there all the time, I was only able to visit every other day.

Is there no way your dp could go round with his sister and do the same?

You DH and his sister must tell their parents that their home is a health hazard, both to themselves and to their visitors, and that no baby should cross the threshold until they have cleaned up.

Do they have money? Could they afford to employ a few services (decluttering/cleaning/decorating) to get back on top of things?

Agree with Bonsoir - your DH and his sister should discuss the best way to crack this one.
And yes, if money is no object, I suspect you're more likely to get things done by a service company!

bonsoir Surprisingly (to me at least), they're very comfortable financially. FIL is notoriously Ebeneezer-like but MIL is ridiculously generous, too much so sometimes. They could afford to do all of the above and often talk of doing such (or at least doing it themselves). They simply lack drive. I think it's become the norm to them to live like that - they've gotten past the shame stage of it all I think. It's as if they don't care.

Maybe your newborn DC can represent the stimulus they need to get it done then!?

Honestly, if they've got the cash to pay for help, I think you are in a very good position to be extremely clear that you and your baby cannot come to their house until they've sorted it out.

Could your DH and his sister look into decluttering/cleaning/decorating companies for them, and try to help them getting quotations and organising the big sort-out project? Doing it quickly and thoroughly should be easier than doing it slowly. And suggest that they get a regular cleaner to help them out thereafter.

Do you often go to their house at the moment? If not very often then I dont think you need to say anything at all tbh. Just dont go.
Its kind of stating the obvious if you actually make a point of saying it to them (and will defintely hurt their feelings). Just make plans for them always to visit you or for you all to meet in central places.
If the subject ever does come up in conversation or they ask you to come over, just say very clearly and simply 'sorry, we cant bring the baby to yours, its not safe, shall we meet at X instead?'