to give up trying to be my mother?

[MrsOtter]

My mum was a perfect mother. I can't remember her ever shouting at me, I was never punished and yet I was a very well behaved child.

She worked in the evenings when my dad finished work, cooked meals from scratch everyday, including homemade puddings with fruit and veg grown from the garden. The house was spotless and my dad never lifted a finger to help either with childcare or housework.

Since having dd1 I have been trying to emulate my childhood to create the same experience for my dd's. I remember in the early days after dd1's birth, the HV giving me a questionaire which asked how I wanted to raise dd1 and I wrote 'the same way I was rasied' and I think that has set the tone for the past 3 years.

I cannot do it though. I don't know how she did. My dh does his share of housework, cooking and childcare. We work as a team. Our house is never as clean as my mums, I work PT and struggle with days when I am tired, I shout at dd1 sometimes and even though I cook from scratch most days there are days when a takeaway creeps in.

AIBU to give up? Do you think I would be happier, less stressed if I just relaxed and tried to raise them my way? We danced to music this morning before nursery and my mum would never have done this, and it made me think that maybe I can't be perfect like her but I could be good in different ways?

Does any of this make sense?

yes, give up - you are a wonderful mother in your own right. The things you don't do that your mum did will be more than compensated for with the things that you do. Dancing on a morning is great! It's you! and that will make your children happy (and you happy)

YANBU - you are a different person, your DD is a different child, your DH is a different person, your life is basically a different life. Don't beat yourself up for not doing things exactly the same as her. eg you say your mum never shouted or punished, and yet you were well-behaved - you say it like it must be cause and effect. But how about you were a well-behaved, quiet, biddable child, and so she never had to raise her voice or punish you? Your DD is maybe more "lively". She certainly has a diffreent range of influences on her. So if youhave to raise your voice now and then, it doesn't make you a bad mother or her a bad child.

You can only live your life, tryig to match up to someone else is never going to work - just focus on being good at being you!

yy I have been trying to 'match up'. And I keep failing at it, which is really getting me down

Then stop comparing - you've already pointed out there are things that you do with your daughter that your mum wouldn't have done with you. I don't mean this as a criticism of your mum - she did things her way, and did what was considered important at the time - but if she was a mum today, don't you think you'd suggest having a bit more fun and spontaneity? Wouldn't you suggest that her DH should do some of the housework too?

You remember it as being perfect, which is lovely, but that doesn't mean you have to do everything the same in order to give your own daughter a lovely childhood she can look back on with the same feelings.

You're completely right. I need to stop trying to live up to her standards. It's only me putting this pressure on myself which is completely ridiculous.

I really need to relax about certain things. She was so rigid in the way I was raised, which I really appreciated as a child, I loved the security of the routine but I need to realise that I can provide that feeling of security and have spontaneity as well.