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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I Being Selfish? Advice Needed x

45 replies

responsibleme · 20/03/2011 14:57

Hello, 1st time on Mumsnet, but really need to ask a question.
I am 39 and after the unexpected end of my relationship (he left to be with someone aged 19)find myself without marriage or children. I have been responsible my whole life believing that although not essential, a family with two caring/commited parents would be the ideal way to bring a child into the world and now find myself wanting children soon, but am still without partner.
My dilema being: -
1, Wait a few years in the hope that I may still acheive my dream(but may not)with the real threat that the longer I wait the less fertility I have.
2, Consider sperm donation (though the thought of single parent/procedure/selection scares me silly.
3, Consider freezing my eggs for a few years so that it may still be possible to have children by 45 (the max age I feel appropriate for me to have children). I quite liked this idea, but looking on various websites, it seems that many think this very un-ethical with many clinics refusing to offer the procedure.

My Question Being: -
Is this treatment selfish/unfair/un-ethical? Has anyone been in a similar situation? Have no idea what I should do for the best. Seems i'm paying a price for being responsible.
Help - need advice!!

OP posts:

bemybebe · 20/03/2011 18:16

And what is the purpose of your venomous post trifle?

skybluepearl · 20/03/2011 18:43

I would crack on with it now and use a doner. Conception rates with IVF are lower if you are older. Leave it and thre is more chance of being childless.

eviscerateyourmemory · 20/03/2011 18:54

Given your age, in your position I would aim for getting pregnant ASAP.

I dont think that you are being selfish, and 2 parents may be the 'ideal', but still a single person can do a perfectly good job of bringing up a baby.

A friend went down this route and used a website set up to match people up for this purpose.

Louplet · 20/03/2011 18:56

I would definitely go for it now with a sperm donor if you really want a child. A friend of mine did this and has never looked back.

Egg freezing has an extremely low success rate particularly when frozen in late 30s.

Better to have a child now and then look for a partner in slow time. You will be less stressed and needy and more likely to end up with the "right" person not just mr convenient. Also if you have a child now, you are more likely to find it easier to conceive a second child in your 40s either with a partner or alone if you decide to do so.

Or why not look into adopting an older child?

CadleCrap · 20/03/2011 19:03

I am the same age as you and I have "the ideal". I am happily married, DD is a few weeks old, DS is 3.
I love my DH dearly BUT if asked to chose, I would chose the children (don't ask which one though as I couldn't do that).

Go get yourself "upduffed", don't leave it any longer.

SugarPasteFrog · 20/03/2011 19:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CadleCrap · 20/03/2011 19:11

choose ffs!!

hairylights · 20/03/2011 19:25

Can I suggest getting a clear blue fertility monitor, or other means of watching your cycle. Til I started trying for a baby (aged 41) I had no idea at all whatsoever, except that every 28 days I got a period and somewhere in between I ovulated.

To have the best chance, you need to understand your fertility.

SugarPasteFrog · 20/03/2011 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

julesrose · 20/03/2011 19:41

I think many clinics don't offer egg freezing as it doesn't really work, rather than it being unethical.

hairylights · 20/03/2011 19:44

Sugarpastefrog EWCM - who knew! LOL - tis my clearest indication, and noticing it seems to work - I've been preggers three times out of five fertile months (the other months I was preggers - have had recurrent miscarriages). Bizarre that It had never noticed it in approx 26 years of ovulating before trying for a baby!!!

I don't want to sound all doom and gloom - I've been advised that my issues may not actually be age related - who knows - I may have had the same issues had I tried at 21 or 31.

However, time isn't on my side which is my major worry - and tests and investigations can take a very long time.

holyShmoley · 20/03/2011 19:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livinginthesticks · 20/03/2011 19:53

I was in this exact same situation a few years ago and choose sperm donation. I now have a 7 year old DS. I don't regret having him for a minute but I would say that it is
a) very difficult for me to now meet anyone as obviously I am completely a single parent and therefore it is very difficult for me to go out.

b) life as a single parent is hard and I am in the fortunate position of earning good money and being completely financially stable and able to work part time. It is still very hard and without the financial stability it would be even harder.

c) I am bringing my son up without a father - and I think I will always feel guilty.

That said, him and I are very, very close. We have a lovely life together.

livinginthesticks · 20/03/2011 19:55

feel free to pm me if you want to ask me anything by the way.

livinginthesticks · 20/03/2011 20:04

I was 36.

bemybebe · 20/03/2011 20:08

livinginthesticks well done you!

detachandtrustyourself · 20/03/2011 21:36

I think freezing eggs would give you a false sense of security that you can have a child one day, and be unlikely to work. Also, you have a short time scale to meet someone, get to know them, get them to agree to use your frozen eggs in a difficult procedure, etc. If you really want a child then go for sperm donation. No need for IVF at this stage I wouldn't think, just artificial insemination at your fertile time.

rhoobabble · 20/03/2011 22:48

get on with it and find sperm donation via a reputable clinic. You will always regret it if you dont go for it. If you meet a bloke and fall madly in love then great he will love both of you anyway and maybe you could have one together? x

iscream · 21/03/2011 01:52

If it were me, and I was able afford all of the child's needs, I would probably use a sperm donor and have a baby now. I do think it is best if a child has both parents, but plenty of children with single parents grow up happy and well adjusted. Best of luck to you.

klb3812 · 26/10/2012 17:00

Hello all

My name is Kylie Baldwin and I am a PhD Student at De Montfort University in Leicester.

My PhD research is examining women's experience of egg freezing for non medical or, as it is often called, 'social' reasons.

I would like to speak to women who have used this technology or who have considered freezing their eggs and have either been rejected by a clinic or have decided not to pursue this treatment.

This study is being undertaken as part of a PhD research project at De Montfort University under the supervision of Professor Lorraine Culley and has been subjected to ethical review. The findings from this study will remain anonymous.

If you would be willing to share your story with me, in confidence, please email me at [email protected] and we can have a chat over email. Then, if you decide you would like to be part of the study, we can arrange for me to meet you at a time and place convenient to you. Alternatively the interview can take place over the telephone or via Skype.

For more information about myself or the research please see the links below:
social-egg-freezing-research-.webspawner.com/
Kylie Baldwin | De Montfort University - Academia.edu
404 ... ldwin.aspx

Please feel free to pass this on to anyone you think may be interested.

Thank you and best wishes

Kylie

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