To find it difficult to have a relationship with my nephews

[Dancergirl]

Dh's sister has 2 boys, similar ages to our girls. I have always found it extremely difficult to have a relationship or even talk to them much.

The reason...? My own sister had ovarian cancer many years ago and was close to death. She survived but is still mentally and physically scarred. She is now in her 50s, single (more or less) and childless.

There's a big age gap between us and when I was little we often talked about me becoming an auntie when she had children. I just feel so sad that it never happened and terribly sad for my sister. I know it's illogical and wrong but I can't help feeling that I am an auntie now (albeit by marriage) but not in the way I wanted to be.

I feel terribly guilty and I know it's not the boys' (or anyone else's) fault...I just can't help the way that I feel.

Can you not think more positively, and understand how having children is a blessing, not a given.

Give thanks that your sister survived at all, many with the big C don't.

C'mon, snap out of this! , your DDs have cousins, and rather than being dead in the ground, your sister has nieces to dote on.

No need at ALL to feel guilty! Enjoy life! it's so precious!

How well do you get on with your sil? Could you talk to her about this or is their tension between you. I have 5 sils and could only talk to one of them on a personal level,so I realise its not easy

Could you try and think of them as your DDs cousins, rather than your nephews? So you would want a good relationship with them so that your DDs have a good one with their cousins and enjoy spending time with them.

I think you need to accept they are nephews by marriage, not blood in the way you thought you would have, and hopefully that way you won't expect to have quite the same relationship with the boys as you would have done with your sister's children, but you're still glad of them because your DC will enjoy having cousins. I hope that makes sense, sorry I know it's a bit garbled! Basically I think the key is in the way you choose to think of them.

I know, I do try to think of them as dd's cousins and I'm really pleased they have an uncle and auntie and cousins unlike I had as a child.

I suppose I feel I should be more of a hands-on auntie but maybe that's unrealistic. What do you all do with your nieces or nephews?

It depends on the age of the DC. I have 6 nephews/nieces on one side and 7 on the other. I just treat them when I see them, the same as I treat my DC. I tease them like I would mine, I would pick them up if they fell over and I was the nearest one there....

I think if you treat them as if you really love/like them, then the love/like will probably come afterwards. The same as if you practise smiling it makes you feel better.

I agree with Chips that you have to keep thinking positively about them. It also helps if you manage to see them on a regular basis and/or keep in touch with them.

You can't help the way you feel but you can help the way you act on it.

You are an adult and they are children and whatever the circumstances it must be extremely hurtful for your sil as she must be able to see how you feel about them and even if they can't at the moment they will notice eventually.

This may sound harsh but you obviously don't feel guilty enough about your sister to forego having your own children so why punish your sil in this way?

yabu. There is no reason to your thought process.

Have you spoken to your sister about it? Maybe she really wouldn't want this and so that would get you beyond the misplaced sense of loyalty.

To me it sounds as though you may be reflecting some other, deep sadness ontop your nephews...and it's not to do wih your sister either.

Is there something else you are sad about?