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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to start another wedding thread?

21 replies

giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 01:28

Sorry - been a couple of these recently, but this has come to a head with me and DP recently and I need to canvass some honest opinion (and I know I will get there here!!)

Ok - so as a couple we have been together a long time - but never had the inclination to marry. We have always thought we would, but we both think a wedding is a very big fuss and bother. In the past, we threatened (and really meant it) to just bugger off on holiday and do the deed - but one mention of this sent some family members into meltdown at the thought of not being involved!!!

So........ we have had an idea, to hopefully avoid a lot of the nonsense that often happens around weddings and just get on and organise something we are both happy with.

We thought we might just organise it in secret, by ourselves, and just invite everyone to a party, which on the day turns out to be our wedding.

We have been together ages and already have a DC, and have never been ones to hog the limelight, so just want something simple and low key - but the mere mention of weddings seems to send a lot of people into a tiz. So we thought this would be a good way to avoid that.

So what does the MN jury think.

Would we be unreasonable to go ahead and organise the day exactly the way we want it - only letting guests know they were attending a wedding when they had turned up for the party?

OP posts:
kickassangel · 20/03/2011 01:50

sounds fine to me.

there are just some people who need to interfere, and it makes no odds what you do, they'll have their say.

only problem - what if someone you want to be there says they're busy/tired etc - how would you deal with it?

Original poster
giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 01:57

Thanks Kickass!

I think we would view it as just one of those things. As someone on one of the 'childfree wedding' threads said - an invite is just that, and its up to the individual whether they want to accept it or not.

I realise that some people may view a party as less important than a wedding, and may decline the invite more readily, but thats the risk I suppose.

However, I think even if we were to be upfront about it being a wedding you still run the risk of people declining/ pulling out for various reasons so I wouldn't get het up about it.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 20/03/2011 01:57

sounds fine to me too. A colleague of mine went away one weekend and came back married; then they had a party the next weekend to celebrate it.

MorticiaAddams · 20/03/2011 03:52

I wish I could agree but I think if I were your mum I would find it harder to be invited to this party and be told knowing that you had just got married a few hours earlier without me.

I really think I would be devastated and would prefer no party at all as you're not really including anyone in it. It just sounds so hurtful to me although I do understand your reasons and know you don't mean it that way at all, I just think that's how I would feel.

Couldn't you tell your parents/siblings a couple of days before and invite just them to the ceremony too and tell them that everything is arranged. They would have a couple of days to get over the shock and be so busy arranging their outfits, they wouldn't have time to interfere. They would probably tell some of the other guests invited to the party but would it be so bad at that late notice?

Original poster
giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 08:55

MOrticia - yes I think we would do something like this, telling our parents (only them) a couple of weeks in advance and swear them to secrecy.

It was mainly my mother who had the meltdown - so we know parents need to be different

OP posts:
YellowDinosaur · 20/03/2011 09:14

I think its a great idea.

However I would tell family about a week before - too late for them to demand ask for any changes to be made but with enough time for them to buy special outfits / get over any upset etc. Otherwise you run the risk at your mum or others getting angry / upset on the day and spoiling things for you.

Friends I am sure will just be excited / pleased for you. If close friends declined for anything other than already having something equally important in the diary I might be inclined to fess up to them too if I could trust them to keep it to themselves - I'd be disappinted if I declined a party only to find out I was missing a wedding of a close friend - living a fair way away from lots of mine and dh's old friends we couldn't possibly attend all parties we are asked to but would make a lot of effort to get to a wedding. Understand if you choose not to though - your call.

ENormaSnob · 20/03/2011 09:22

I did this.

Dh and I have very complex families and it was easier this way.

We did tell our mums before hand, not for help with planning etc, just because it felt the right thing to do.

Good luck whatever you decide.

AuntiePickleBottom · 20/03/2011 09:23

there is someone on MN that got married and had 2 MN as witnesses, i don't think her family even knows.

plan your wedding how you want it, but i would give close family a few days notice that it is a wedding

GiddyPickle · 20/03/2011 09:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Topspin · 20/03/2011 10:13

We did this last week - without the party - after many years together, with our children as witnesses. Our families don't know. It was perfect.

Original poster
giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 10:18

Thanks all!

I thought I was going to get flamed for being selfish, accused of freezing people out etc.

We are considering how to do it to include a few people at the last minute so as not to upset anyone.

Topspin - glad you had a fabulous wedding. Do you feel a littel guilty at all about those who didn't come?

OP posts:
fairystepmother · 20/03/2011 10:21

I think it's a great idea and know someone who did just this. The day was fantastic.

My student boyfriend's mum arranged a huge family bbq - she told everyone she wanted us there and that she didn't want any excuses. Unknown to the rest of us her son and her husband's son were taken to one side earlier in the day in secret on the pretext of going to pick up some wine for the party - turns out they were instead driven to the registry office to be witnesses. Later on they all turned up and when all the guests had arrived they announced from an upstairs window to the rest of us down in the garden that they had just got married.

It was a lovely day and they got the wedding they wanted without anyone in the family feeling left out. The fact it was so unexpected actually added something to the whole day and made it very special.

VajazzHands · 20/03/2011 10:26

OP said the that the party would actually be the wedding, not a party after.. I think.

That is what you were saying wasn't it?

Either way I see no porblems with it.

Topspin · 20/03/2011 10:45

Thanks, giantpurplepeopleeater! Didn't feel guilty as we've been together so long that there were no weddingy expectations from friends or family Grin

I think your idea sounds lovely - have a wonderful day!

TidyDancer · 20/03/2011 10:49

The way I'd handle this is to tell immediate family of the plans only, that way you would be able to insure they were there and they would feel 'in on it'. Other than that, which would be an absolute requirement for me, I think it's a cute idea. :)

ballstoit · 20/03/2011 10:51

I think this sounds like a great idea. If my friends did this it would prevent my meltdown about gifts to buy, special outfits and having my photo taken. Almost a surprise party in reverse.

jojosmaman · 20/03/2011 11:00

I think this is the type of wedding a lot of couples would love to do but don't have the balls! I follow a wedding tog on Twitter who did this very same thing last night, invited friends and family to her 50's themed 30th birthday party but surprised them with a wedding instead.

Also a blogger in the us who did it last year but this time organised an engagement party but instead had a wedding, sounded amazing! Here's the link

www.eatdrinkchic.com/post.cfm/surprise-we-got-married

I'd involve the inlaws/ parents to avoid any upset on the day

jojosmaman · 20/03/2011 11:05

Full awesome wedding pics here...Le sigh...

www.eatdrinkchic.com/post.cfm/surprise-we-got-married-part-ii-the-story-the-styling

RunAwayWife · 20/03/2011 11:17

Your day your way

Original poster
giantpurplepeopleeater · 20/03/2011 15:05

Thanks guys! Am very Smile now and off to plan!

Thanks for the links jojosmaman

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