To want more friends?

[butterpieify]

OK, I'm a total saddo. Now we have got that out of the way, can I have a tantrum?

I HAVE HARDLY ANY FRIENDS!

Seriously, there is not one person in walking distance, or one bus ride, of my house (and I don't drive) who I could go for a brew with, take the kids down the park, bump into down the shops, or have a glass of wine and a catch up with.

The friend I speak to and see most lives at the other end of the country, where I used to live. I'm glad I moved away, it is much nicer here, but I rarely speak to anybody who doesn't have the same surname as me.

A friend from relatively nearby popped round today for a brew, and it was lovely, but I don't see her very often, and it is a right faff to get to her house, and I feel mean constantly asking her to come here. I have another friend who I see maybe quarterly, and anyone else I might see once a year.

AIBU to want a selection of friends? Not just friends, but the people who are a bit more than aquaintances, who you see when you are out and catch up with, maybe see regulary at a thing?

Thing is, I get so terribly shy, and then I mask it by being an arse, so people either think I am completely mute and/or boring, or they think I am a lunatic who babbles nonsense at them.

The friends I had in my old town were mostly made when drunk, and then I kept up the friendship by talking to them online, but I can't just go around drunk or silently handing out my email address, can I? (Can I? I used to have cards with my email address on to give to people I met when drunk, but not sure I have the balls to do that anymore, plus I've stopped drinking)

So, how do I talk to people, make them want to be my friend, but without seeming like a nob?

Everyone round here seems to know each other, or just take one look at my clothes and run off (I think I dress normally, but apparently I don't, but I'm not sure in what way- I wear dresses, and shoes, and tights, like other people, and they are in darkish colours but not goth- eg now I am wearing a purple maxi dress with a light purple print, a red scarfy thing, black opaque tights and red shoes, with my hair tied back - I don't think that is odd, but people remark on my clothes when I do get to talk to them)

Wail. I feel like I am in the school layground again, but there must be a way of making friends and aquaintences?

Get out, meet loads of people - you will find friends, I guess you live rurally?? Clothes sound fine - you WILL meet people - you just have to put yourself out there a bit sometimes

hi op, where are you? Are there any groups you can join or check the local mumsnet page online as they do meetups

I'm in a suburb near to Newcastle, which is lovely, and people are pleasant, they just seem to all know each other. I've been living here for two years now, I need to sort myself out!

is there stuff going on you could join? It is hard trying to meet new folk but worth it when you do

Hi there. How long have you lived in your new town? How old are your kids?

We moved about a year ago from somewhere we had lived for years to a completely new place where we knew no one. I remember the horrible feeling of suddenly realising I had no mates on about day 2 of the kids first term at new school.

I stood in the playground wondering whether a) I'd ever have a friend to chat to or b) I'd ever want to chat to any of these people anyway as they didn't seem "my type".

I spent a lot of the first few months ringing my old best friend.

A year on and I have made some friends and feel a lot more settled. The main ways are:

1. Through my kids - they picked some great school friends & they do lots of things like football so have made friends with the mums and dads by asking their kids round to play and then forcing them to have tea/ coffee etc when they came to pick up. Have invited people round for lunch and made a big effort to be socialble on the basis that even if it was crap at least I tried.
2. By joining in with everything going - I have joined a singing group (something I haven't done for years) which has been fab. Its not an up itself choir - just a bunch of mums and its been a real ice breaker. I helped out at school a lot and met other mums on the trips, I joined in with PTA, went to the school quiz.

A lot of these things are not really "my thing" but I decided that unless I just got out there I would never meet anyone. Some of the people have turned out to be not my type of people at all but that's fine - some have.

The acid test has been recently have had a couple of emergencies recently and found that I was able to ring/ text 4 or 5 people to ask for help.

I think you have to just put aside your fears of being a nob and go for it - as you have no friends now the worst thing that can happen is that people will think you are a nob and not be your friend. However you hopefully will find that people don't think you are a nob and you will get some friends.

Don't worry that people remark on your clothes - I think that maybe the people that remark on them are rather impressed that you clearly have your own style. I don't think people would say that unless they sensed that you are totally comfortable with it.

I am ultra boring in my dress - jeans/ fleece/ thermal vests (oh so dull) but secretly I'd love to be a bit more flamboyant do I love it when those kind of people are friends with me.

Friends don't have to be clones of you. Often people who are different spark off new horizons.

Good luck.

"I think you have to just put aside your fears of being a nob and go for it - as you have no friends now the worst thing that can happen is that people will think you are a nob and not be your friend. However you hopefully will find that people don't think you are a nob and you will get some friends."

I love this. Thanks :)

We've lived here for two years, and the kids are four and one. They go to nursery part time (I work from home with DH) but, because the children get picked up at different times, we don't really meet the other parents. DD1 will be starting school soon though - maybe I can meet people there?

I'm a member of a political party and a couple of groups (Labour, Fabians and Fawcett) - only Labour actually seems to have meetings round here, and I keep looking at the "pie and peas suppers" that they have. I'm a bit worried that I'll show myself up by not knowing enough about politics though.

I used to be in a brass band as a child (my entire family was)- maybe I could find one round here? It'd be just like brassed off, except with Geordies, and with the mine long shut, and without Ewan Mcgregor, and with me actually having no musical skill whatsoever

Or there is a womens education place, or stuff run by the WEA? The womens doodah is mostly basic skills, but I could do a different course, and then maybe I could volunteer with them - they do loads of useful work with women round here.

I keep looking at exercise classes too - zumba is meant to be good, but can you make friends at these things? Presumably there isn't much chatting time, it's more jumping about (and in my case, falling over and looking like a nob)

ARGH! Maybe I should set myself a challenge of some type, like talking to someone new each week or day or something?

Join things. Find things that make you passionate and that shared thing will help you relax and be calmer.

Just take it easy in conversation. Listen. Take a deep breath. I know it's difficult not to babble when you are nervous...

It takes time. I remember moving when mine were at school, I went from a small village where I knew everyone to a suberb and as I picked up from school everyone appeared to know each other and no one even noticed me.
Firstly everyone is either very busy or just lazy-it is much easier to speak to someone that you know.
I found it best to join things with a smallish number of people and with something to do. The PTA was good for that. I got involved with the Scout group. Gradually you get to know people-often if you issue an invitation people are pleased. I made friends through DCs friends.
Now we have moved again........if you don't expect too much too soon then you feel much better.
Don't change yourself-get to know people as you really are.

suburb!!

When I quit my job to be a sahm I found myself in much the same position -although I had lived here for years none of my friends had babies.
I set myself a challenge of attending a group at least four times before I dropped out.It worked well & I felt ok after that.
I chose playgroup (am in Aus)-there would be something similar in your area I am sure?

Hi, I think you just need to jump in with both feet and ignore the feeling in your head that you are being a nob. I moved 14 months ago and didn't know anyone either and I have chatted to almost everyone I have seen like a mad person! I'm pretty sure some of the locals think I'm weird (as I'm sure I said some silly things out of nervousness) but I don't care because I have also met some really lovely people!

It helps that my oldest is at school so I would chat to everyone I could while at the school (usually small talk at first, how olds yours? where do you get your hair cut, ooh I love your shoes etc). I also joined some toddler groups which are great for meeting people and I have met a few who I think are turning into proper friends.

I go Zumba as well and yes you do jump most of the time but you also chat for a few mins before and after the class and you laugh with the other people when you all bump into each other. You get to know the faces. Since starting that lots more people say hello to me in the street and I am slowly starting to get to know them.

It was really important to me to make friends (as SAHM plus working part time from home, I get lonely and love a chat). I wanted my children to make friends and it really helps if you know the other mums a bit.

It hasn't all gone smoothly, I've met a couple that I thought seemed really nice and then realised that they are very differing views to me on the sort of important issues that can't be ignored but I just stopped trying with them after I realised and just say hello when I see them. They are ok but I was shocked by their opinions.

As for your clothes, I wouldn't worry about that. You clothes sound great and like you have an individual style which personally I admire, other poeple will too.

Zumba would be good for your self esteem, so even though there is not a lot of chatting time, it will give you loads of confidence after a couple of weeks you'll probably find yourself chatting afterwards to others in the class.

any other kind of class type hobby?
pottery? music? art?

Butterpieify - if I lived anywhere near you I would pop round for a cuppa

I have noticed and read your posts and threads for a while now - particularly the HE ones. I enjoyed the one you started asking for opinions on it in chat rather than HE as it got a whole range of replies, not just those in favour of it - very interesting, even if some posters were a little scary.

I am in a very similar situation to you - without the health issues - and was sad to read your latest one in HE although I didn't reply at the time. When I'm reading on my phone I don't post as I have horribly fat fingers and am very slow on a touch screen.

Anyway, I think you are funny, eloquent, caring, intelligent and interesting. That should be enough for anyone to find friends. Just get out as much as you can and don't worry about being seen as a nob. I wasted my 20's and half my 30's thinking that and being horribly self-conscious. Once I decided I didn't care life was much more enjoyable!

Good luck, enjoy your lovely family, and drop by for a chat anytime

just a suggestion but could you learn to drive?I would be seriously lost without my car,i have just had a late baby (im 43) so all my friends are working etc,at least with the car i can pop to see my mum or nan and get to the shops for a mooch.

Local mums groups? Playgroup or NCT? Or a regular exercise class?

Must be really upsetting for you but please try to get out there. I'm always surprised by how welcoming and friendly 99% of people are.

I found the NCT really good. If you go to someone's house they can't ignore you and there isn't a lot of space-much better than toddler groups.

Do you like dogs if the answer is yes and you have the financial and practical means to I would seriously consider getting a dog. Then simply go for a walk with the DCs and before you know it you will get chatting with other dog walkers mainly about dogs at first but it will be a real ice breaker. So many people are shy nowadays they may of been many people who think whos that new lass but are actally shy of approaching you a Mam with her DC in her case you think they are weirdos. Except all offers of coffee ect don't go over thinking and take people as you find them don't worry about what age groups people are either.

Thanks MrsKarwash!

I can't learn to drive, due to health issues. We are actually quite well connected for public transport, it's just that my friends happen to be not as well connected :) (Or at least not connected in the same way as us) - I can be in our local shops in five minutes, the bigger shopping centre in 15, and Newcastle in 25.

Are my children not too old for NCT? I thought it was for new babies?

What a lovely thread! OK, you've persuaded me, I'll go and put a post on the meet a mum board on that other site... :)

Beesimo, we would love a pet, but we rent. Some great ideas though :)

i go to zumba and love it, have met a few people there too. Go for it, you have nothing to loose