Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or am i just a hormonal idiot?

25 replies

givemebagels · 18/03/2011 22:36

i am quite the control freak, and have mother in law issues.

she had had a tough time in life and lost her daughter four years ago, wnich was obviously very sad and devastating. since then we have made allowances for her and i have tried to be as kind as possible.
When pregnant with dc1 last year she demanded that we didn't tell anyone until she had told everyone she wanted to tell in case they found out and she didn't get to break the news. i was livid she had suggested it, told my dh many times (and in tears) that this was unacceptable as it was our baby fgs! long story short, he made me agree to it, something i am still upset about because i was very very upset and he went against what i wanted.
Am now pregnant with dc2, and she is expecting the same. in fact got upset when dh told her this time it would not be the case and she'd have to wait until we gave go ahead to tell people. we have just had a blazing row about it, as i think he's going to let her get away with telling people first. i am still so mad he did this to me last time...
This has turned into a bit of a rant. Sorry.
Do i need to get over it? or can i legitimately still be pissed off?

OP posts:
JjandtheBeanlovesUnicorns · 18/03/2011 22:41

id be pretty pissed off tbh! it is as you said your baby.

AnswersInHaiku · 18/03/2011 22:42

Such petty problems.
Watch Children In Need, Japan;
Some have it far worse.

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 22:43

I would just say to her, you are welcome to tell YOUR friends, but I will tell mine myself.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 22:46

It's your news to tell, not hers.

I can see why your DH may have wanted to give her control over it, but both of them have to take your feelings into consideration.

(I take your point AnswersInHaiku, but you could post that on every thread on MN. The majority of people are grateful for what they have.)

AnswersInHaiku · 18/03/2011 22:47

True, Agent ZigZag.
But tonight with C.I.N
It seems so small-time.

MosEisley · 18/03/2011 22:50

Can't write Haiku sober, much less now.

But YANBU. Her past sadness doesn't entitle her to rule over you now.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 22:52

It does in the scheme of things Answers, but you can be compassionate about things that happen outside your immediate everyday world, as well as someone's personal feelings.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 22:54

Oh, I didn't notice you were actually answering in haiku Grin

Nice one.

NimpyWindowmash · 18/03/2011 22:54

YANBU, what squeakytoy and agentzigzag said

AnswersInHaiku · 18/03/2011 22:56

Thanks, AgentZigZag.
It is quite tricky, and it
Limits eloquence.

Roseflower · 18/03/2011 22:56

Breaking the news your pregnant is one of the most exciting,special things to happen in life; and it doesn't happen often.

Your MIL has no right to rob you of that experience,not for the 2nd time anyway.

freebreeze · 18/03/2011 22:58

YANBU!

Poor you. this is your precious time - you'll not get it back again!

Who on earth does she think she is? To demand this of you is SO out of order.

I hope your dh will wake up and see things as you do.

All the best x

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 23:00

I didn't notice at all, even though I'd read and re-typed your name (although you have to take into account my unintelligence Grin).

Very clever.

poochela · 18/03/2011 23:05

Get a t shirt printed and an ad in the local rag, that'll send the right message to MIL. Cheeky mare. And while you're at it, tell DH to grow a pair and stand up to her.

Congratulations btw xx

JaneS · 18/03/2011 23:09

Why on earth do you tell her before you're ready for other people to know? Confused

Can you possibly just ring her and say 'we've already started telling people, let us know if there's anyone in particular you want us to talk to and we will'? I mean, completely side-step the issue of her saying she wants to do it.

YANBU, obviously - very strange behaviour.

JaneS · 18/03/2011 23:10

Oh, yes: congratulations! Grin

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 23:19

Oh yes again, congrats OP Grin

Even if she does steal your thunder, you've told all us lot before she can get a word in Grin

DuelingFanjo · 18/03/2011 23:21

why not just ignore her and tell whoever you want? What are she and your DH likely to do if you don't do what they say?

Original poster
givemebagels · 18/03/2011 23:51

thanks for replies - much appreciated.
We have a scan on monday, by which time i should be 13 weeks and ready to let the news loose...and i am just going to start calling people as soon as i like, and when i'm done, and only then, will she get the go ahead. end of.

OP posts:
Misfitless · 19/03/2011 00:09

Perhaps this has already been suggested but given the history here I'd honestly tell my friends and family first and then tell her last on my list.

I know that there are people are starving and homeless etc, but this is still an extremely important to givemebagels and her DH.

It'll be tricky because I don't think your DH will agree to this - I'd do it anyway if I were you and wouldn't seek his approval or even inform him that you're going to do it.

What your MIL did with DC1, the fact that your DH supported your MIL instead of you, and the fact that they both think it's acceptable to have a repeat performance with DC2 must be really hurtful.

FabbyChic · 19/03/2011 00:12

I wouldn't have told her until I'd had the scan. Why did she need to know anyway?

PicaK · 19/03/2011 07:39

To me, it seems like your husband siding with his mum to spare her feelings at the expense of yours is the real issue - regardless.of what it's about.

I sympathise so much cos I'm put in the same situation time and time again.

If she's like my MIL sounds like she's obsessed with appearances (in a way I find incomprehensible) and can't cope with the shame that wouldd come with cousin-once-removed Vera finding out before she tells them.

Like you, I have ground my teeth down with frustration and anger. I found that getting books out on grief helped me understand why she is so controlling.

You are absolutely right to be angry and annoyed. But think of her being ill - and take the moral high ground. You sound a nice person and I think festering will drag your spirits down.

blackeyedsusan · 19/03/2011 10:53

personally, i would be saying that if she tells other people before you tell her it is ok then she will be the last to hear other things like the results of scans, that you've gone into labour given birth etc because she can not be trusted.

and the problem is with your husband for not backing you up in this one.

look forward tohearing her reaction to your scan on Monday....

blackeyedsusan · 19/03/2011 10:53

eh what happened with the bold?

firstforthought · 19/03/2011 11:40

have to say very clever to answers in Haiku
sorry for butting in -

New posts on this thread. Refresh page