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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset re a funeral?

23 replies

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:19

Firstly, I'd like to preface this with a disclaimer that I am 8months pregnant and definitely what could be described as hormonal, sensitive and a little clingy...

So, basically someone who I consider to be a mutual friend of OH and I lost his mum this week, very young and all awfully sad.oH has been friends with him for around 20yrs and I've known him for the 7 we've been together. The funeral is tomorrow and both OH and I planned to be there. Tonight OH has received a text from him asking that all 'the boys' ie their childhood friends make sure they sit together in church tomorrow, OH responded saying of course, we were both coming and had agreed to meet 'the boys' outside the church to make sure of it (at previous similar funerals we've always done this) now he has responded saying that I was to be just them ie I'm not welcome... Now I know it's a funeral and obviously I'll not go now etc an OH just said no problem if that's what he wants... but am I being unreasonable to be upset by this?

Thanks

OP posts:

altinkum · 18/03/2011 22:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mimile · 18/03/2011 22:23

Grief makes people do things that are sometime difficult to comprehend. I'm sure he did not mean to exclude you, but recreate a childhood group of friends that make him feel whole again?

SarkyLady · 18/03/2011 22:23

Are you primarily going to say goodbye to her or to support your friend?

Original poster

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:24

Yes, not terribly well but she lives in the same street as the inlaws so we saw her regularly and spoke etc and had been in her house a few times for birthdays etc

OP posts:

tribpot · 18/03/2011 22:24

Very sorry to hear about your friend's loss, it sounds dreadful.

I don't think he means you aren't welcome, just that he would like his childhood posse to be together in one place at the front of the church, I don't think the implication is that you shouldn't be there at all? I think just give him a little space, I can understand why you're upset but your friend is going through something awful right now :( I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can.

Northernlurker · 18/03/2011 22:25

I don't think he meant you shouldn't go just that he wants to sit with all his mates and understandably so. This would mean you sit seperately. It's blokes only together and tbh yes you should respect that. He's lost his mum - he needs his lifelong mates and they need to focus on him NOT their partners.

browneyesblue · 18/03/2011 22:25

YANBU, but people can act and behave irrationally when grieving.

I would be upset by this too, but you shouldn't take it personally. When my mom died, my dad said and did a lot of strange things, half of which he doesn't remember now. It was just grief talking - he honestly couldn't see past it to see how his actions might affect others.

Maybe let him know via your OH that you are both there for him if he needs anything.

Original poster

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:25

We were going to support him, never really occurred to us not to go.

OP posts:

JaneS · 18/03/2011 22:26

That is difficult but some people really get private about grief. When my dad's father died he could hardly bear to be in front of us at the funeral, let alone non-family members. It's just the way it takes some people I think.

It's horrible for you wanting to say your goodbyes, but I think the son's wishes have to come first here.

You must all be feeling very sad and shocked.

LoopyLoopsChupaChups · 18/03/2011 22:26

If you knew the mum wand want to go to pay your respects, you should still go, just sit separately.

If you didn't know her, do respect his wishes.

However, I understand why this has upset you, pregnant or otherwise.

activate · 18/03/2011 22:27

yes YABU

go and let DH support his friend and sit elsewhere

this is not about you - in any way, shape or measure

Original poster

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:27

I see your point, it's just that I'm the only partner so if he does mean to sit separately it's just me who will be sitting elsewhere... It's made me feel very awkward about attending :(

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 18/03/2011 22:28

He's only asking for your husband to sit with him, not for you not to go.
Is there anyone else that you know that you can sit with?

perfumedlife · 18/03/2011 22:29

I wouldn't go then, you don't need the extra stress and maybe he wants to get plastered when it's over and thinks that you will hate it all.

Send your thoughts in a card for dh to take.

Original poster

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:29

Just to be clear he's not asking them to sit with him, hes sitting with family at the front of the church.

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 18/03/2011 22:31

I think he means that the boys will just be sitting together, but you would be there too, just sat separately. There may be other people there who are on their own too in the church, I am sure you wont be totally by yourself, and it is only for a very short time. You really dont need to feel awkward at all.

Northernlurker · 18/03/2011 22:31

Ok then well maybe he only wants very close people there. That is his right. You need to let it go in that case. This isn't about you.

perfumedlife · 18/03/2011 22:32

I don't think he wants you there, and I am sure it's nothing personal. He sounds like he just wants to create this army of boyhood supporters and thinks his mum would have liked it. Even if you go and sit elsewhere, you will feel odd.

Stay home, do what relaxes you and get ready for baby maybe, the last calm before the madness, and let dh do his best to focus on his pal tomorrow, without worrying if you are feeling left out.

MorticiaAddams · 18/03/2011 22:33

YANBU but agree with the others saying that the way we behave when grieving often cannot be explained.

If there are no other partners for you to sit with then I would be inclined to stay away and let your dh support his friend.

TheSecondComing · 18/03/2011 22:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

coco2901 · 18/03/2011 22:36

fwiw it will be a big funeral and he's posted the details on facebook etc so it's not that he just wants aan intimate group there which I would absolutely respect... You are right of course and I never intended to disrespect his wishes i just wondered if I was justified in being upset by it

OP posts:

lusciousliz · 18/03/2011 22:37

dont make this about you OP

the bereaved wants the comfort and support of old old friends and not have to put "on a face" for others

let him be and have his way it wont hurt you to sit alone for a few minutes

Northernlurker · 18/03/2011 22:43

When people are grieving you have to give them a bit of space and not take things to heart as you would if it wasn't done in a time of grief. Best thing is to shrug this one off and just carry on with your day tomorrow. You can still think about them and care - you don't have to be there.

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