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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why I am not liked

50 replies

flossielossie · 18/03/2011 20:55

I work in a small office. 4 other members of staff. We all get on well at work. Nice little team, no bitching that I have witnessed, seem to have lots in common etc.

Anyway 2 of the women are same age - mid 20s - so 10 years younger than me and best friends in and out of work. I have no problem with that.

But it seems that they have occassional nights out that I am not invited to and all 4 of the others go to.

Like last night they went out for St Patricks day. I knew it was happening due to lots of whispering. But I dont understand why they did not invite me. TBH no way I could have gone - with 3 kids - but why not include me?

I know this sounds like I am in the playground - but it is really upseting me.

OP posts:

Skinit · 18/03/2011 21:30

Excuse me...they are whispering about arrangments and yet the OP still knows somehow about their nights out...they are then not including her and that is exclusion...is that not bullying?

It has obviously affected you OP...you say it's knocked your confidence....I get that you wouldn't want to complain officially about it...but perhaps you could just front up and say "How come I'm never asked along? I'd love to come out with you lot...you always look like you have a laugh!"

And see what they say.

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:32

Excuse you but no, it isn't bullying. Even the OP doesn't think it is bullying. They don't have to include her - it's a shame if they don't want to, no doubt they are missing out - but they don't have to.

But yes, the OP should just ask them herself.

Cymar · 18/03/2011 21:33

I'm sure you've more important and enjoyable things to be doing with your kids tomorrow, while they feel sorry for themselves dealing with the after-effects of too much drink.

HumphreyCobbler · 18/03/2011 21:34

They might not be bullying (I don't think it is that bad as the OP says not), but they are being very rude. Why are they whispering about it like six year olds?

Original poster

flossielossie · 18/03/2011 21:47

I would never ask to go as i cant force them to want me there. I wouldn't want to be there in a forced situation.

I just wonder and wonder what it is about me they dont like. When I lkie them and we seem to get on well at work.

Just wonder if its coz I am the newest - but part of me doubts thant- i think it is something about me.

OP posts:

Georgimama · 18/03/2011 21:51

Sorry but now you really do sound like you're at school.

ilovesooty · 18/03/2011 21:52

Yes, I do think you're sounding a bit playground-ish, tbh.

Original poster

flossielossie · 18/03/2011 21:54

thank you appreciate the comments maybe i need to grow up and get over it.

OP posts:

crystalglasses · 18/03/2011 22:01

Feeling excluded is always hurtful. I haven't got anything to suggest but just wanted to acknowledge your hurt.

Dancergirl · 18/03/2011 22:05

Sounds a bit mean to me. It's only common courtesy to say we're going out tonight, do you fancy coming along?

Bullying is a bit OTT, but I would also be hurt in this situation.

exoticfruits · 18/03/2011 22:08

I think that it is nothing more than they assume that you wouldn't go if they asked-and they were right-you said that you wouldn't. It isn't unkind, they just assume that with children you have a different private life.
If you really want to be included and actually go, you need to organise something and invite them. Once they know that you are 'up for it' they will probably ask you.

perfumedlife · 18/03/2011 22:10

You are probably so beautiful they are terrified to go out with you incase all the attention is deflected from them to you.

I would start making chats about should you all get a night out planned for the next birthday in the group or something, try to get to the root of the problem. Of course, if they just don't like you there isn't a lot you can do, but I think if it was that you would have sensed it before now.

cerealqueen · 18/03/2011 22:14

It might be an age thing, it might be a kids thing, it might be the combination of both. I have close friends who don't invite me to all sorts of stuff - they don't have kids and assume that I probably can't make it because I do.
Suggest a Friday night drinks thing - then you are in control rather then the recipient of invites /non invites.

springydaffs · 18/03/2011 23:17

I think it's an age thing. ime young people often think anyone over 35 is a pensioner. I'm trying to get up the courage to invite myself clubbing with my young colleagues - they invite each other all the time to this and that, parties, clubs, festivals, and they don't whisper either. They assume I'm not interested, or not human somehow. My nest is empty and I'd LOVE to go clubbing - but I wouldn't take the drugs.

Skinit · 18/03/2011 23:27

Well I disagree Springy...I'm 38...35 wasn't long ago and I would no hae thought 40 was old.

PepsiPopcorn · 18/03/2011 23:50

YANBU. They are being rude.

AgentZigzag · 18/03/2011 23:52

I agree it's like the playground, but them not you OP.

You can't help the way they're making you feel.

Of course they aren't obliged to ask you, but they should either be up front and talk about it openly, or STFU and keep it private.

Whispering is shit, especially in offices.

whiteflame · 18/03/2011 23:58

that is hard... if you would like to be included, why not instigate a night out, then they will know you are up for it?

springydaffs · 19/03/2011 01:12

I disagree too Skinit! As you get older you realise you're exactly the same person moreorless, it's only your physical body that is getting older. In my experience, young people consistently view me as 'other' because I'm older - probably for a lot of reasons but one of them is definitely that young people are often very ageist. (one of my colleagues recently said she had been served in a shop "by some old woman" - I resisted pointing out that if she took 'old' out and put in 'black' she would maybe see how offensive her comment was). They don't realise what they're doing though - but they'll be the same age as us one day and realise how weird and alienating it is to be viewed as not-quite-real because they're older. Goodness, they'll be taking us older women off the news desks next..

Somebody else posted this exact same problem a while ago on MN re left out by younger colleagues, feeling hurt - it's probably common?

Don't take it personally though Skinit - I don't believe it is personal tbh, just a bit ignorant (particularly the whispering ).

fragglerocks · 19/03/2011 11:21

I'm 27, the age of your youngest colleague, I wouldn't and don't treat any colleague in this way, I don't view any of my colleagues as "old" and they range from 35 up to 60, we all arrange nights out, all are invited. The people I enjoy the company of most are aged 47 and 53, both wilder than me!!

I don't think they are behaving like this because they think you are old, please don't blame their age everyone, not all people in their 20's are horrible childish idiots!

Maybe they just don't think you would go as you have 3 DCs or maybe they are just twats. As you say, you get on well in work so I don't see why they wouldn't at least invite you out.

Try suggesting a night out, just a few drinks in a bar and see how you get on.

Please don't be down on yourself OP and please don't just blame their age, we're not all bad you know!

slartybartfast · 19/03/2011 16:39

are you pretty enough op.?

plenty of people go by on looks.

missmehalia · 19/03/2011 17:04

I think it'd be a good idea to initiate a Fri night after-work drink for an hour (say, every payday). Ask DH to support you. If your colleagues gradually get to know you and get a better relationship going, it won't seem that much of an issue. You can initiate change if you want to. We don't always realise what impression we give off..

And develop other friendships completely outside work so it doesn't matter to you so much one way or the other. Hobbies are great, especially the sociable ones. (Don't know if you have any.)

Mandy2003 · 19/03/2011 17:16

It would be the whispering that got me too.

I agree with missmehalia: arrange childcare one night and invite them out. If they make excuses, at least you will know where you stand.

If they've all worked together for a long time before you joined, they are already in a clique and sometimes there's no breaking into that is there?

Mayqueene · 19/03/2011 17:26

OP YANBU, but your colleagues are.

TBH, I think your team sound very odd-I've never heard anything like it

I work in a team of 12-ages ranges from 22-63. Everyone is invited to everything and we plan things that everyone will enjoy. Usually its a curry straight from work then those of us with no staying power or too many kids (that'd be me lol) go home while the more energetic (younger!!) ones go on to night clubs etc.

Poor you, they don't sound very nice

lilyliz · 19/03/2011 17:36

probably at the weekend they would prefer clubbing but why not suggest the pictures one week night when a good girly flick is on,maybe suggeat a drink afterwards.

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