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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to listen to my 2yo DD when it comes to childcare...

16 replies

LittlePickleHead · 18/03/2011 10:15

In a quandry.

At the moment I am wokring 3 days a week in regular shifts, then I pick up random extra shifts every few weeks, occassionally doing 6 day weeks.

For the regular days my DD is in nursery and she loves it; when we talk about it in the car on the way there she tells me all about her friends and what they are going to do and waves me away with a cheery 'bye bye mummy'.

The nursery have been unable to accommodate ad hoc extra days, so for this we use a childminder who has agreed to cover random shifts for us. I really like her and have no qualms at all about her childminding, but when I tell my daughter we are going there she says 'no don't want to go' and then when I leave her she cries and clings on to me. I always leave with a cheery 'bye bye' and a kiss, but because of the contrast with nursery I find it quite upsetting. She has been going for a fair while so I would have thought she would be use to it.

Should I take any notice of DD if she is that sad about going, or is this par for the course with a toddler? I think I'd find it hard to replace the CM with another form of ad hoc childcare, but I hate to think DD feels abandoned and unhappy there.

OP posts:
Socy · 18/03/2011 10:21

If she really is unhappy you should listen to her - have you spoken to the childminder about it? If your daughter remains unhappy once you've gone it isn't pleasant for the childminder or any other children there. YANBU to listen to your daughter.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 10:24

To be honest I would leave things as they are. I am sure that as soon as you leave your DD is fine - she is putting on a show for you (I know, I;ve been there with DS when he was with a CM) - how does she seem when you collect her?? Does she do lots of stuff with the CM?

It's always a hard one but we cant let our kids dictate regarding their day care...unless of course there is real cause for concern IYSWIM....

My son hates the holiday club but at the end of the day tough...I need to go to work and he needs to go there if I cant get him looked after elsewhere.

Sorry a long ramble there but in a nutshell, YANBU taking her to the CM so please dont feel bad, your DD is fine xx

mmsmum · 18/03/2011 10:27

Find another childminder, I wouldn't leave DD somewhere where she was as unhappy as yours sounds. If she doesn't like it and isn't happy, why would you send her? I'd start looking for somewhere else

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 10:27

You could just call after about ten mins to check that she's ok? Then if she's still crying that's an issue, if not, then it's just a separation thing that she doesn't notice so much at nursery...

RitaMorgan · 18/03/2011 10:32

I wouldn't leave her somewhere she is unhappy - especially as she is specifically unhappy at the CMs rather than general separation anxiety.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 18/03/2011 12:25

Sorry to post and run - boss started demanding things of me (how rude!)

Apparently she is fine when we leave her, and when we collect her I can hear her through the door and she seems fine, but the minute she sees us she starts crying. Pick up at nursery is fine, she is excited to see us but wants to kiss her key worker goodbye etc.

mmsmum DP feels as you do, but the issue is finding someone reliable and willing to do ad hoc days. It's really hard as most childminders may agree, but if they then get a fulltime place would let you down and I have to know i'll be able to work the days I've agreed to.

So hard, especially the mix of opinions :(

I'm torn - on the one hand it's not very often, but on the other I hate her being unhappy. I feel a pushover for letting a 2 year old dictate though!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 18/03/2011 12:29

How long is she with the CM for?

fedupofnamechanging · 18/03/2011 12:29

I'd take her out of the CM's care tbh. I'd not leave my child if she was unhappy there.

Pinkjenny · 18/03/2011 12:30

We have just been through the same with our dd who is 3.10yo. Loves nursery, hates preschool. I have taken her out of preschool for a few reasons, but mainly because the environment seems a bit, well, hostile, and I can see why she doesn't like it. If they were lovely and I couldn't understand why she didn't want to go, I'd have thought she was putting on a show for me. The difference between her attitude towards the two settings was something that really concerned me.

EricNorthmansMistress · 18/03/2011 12:33

I think you need to reconsider. Maybe you need to find a new nursery that can accommodate all the sessions you need. If your DD was a clingy type I'd say persevere but she sounds like my DS when he goes off to nursery, and if he was unhappy going to a CM I'd trust that TBH. We recently had to split childcare between two nurseries and he's been fine, I think because he's familiar with nursery so the new place hasn't been a shock to him.

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 12:34

It's easier said than done isnt it finding a new childminder esp as they are only registered for so many children and obv most of them want full time placements rather than a day a week.

Dont want to sound cruel to your DD tho Blush
but it does sound like she is doing it for your benefit and is actually Ok whilst she is there

jellybelly25 · 18/03/2011 12:36

no no no don't feel a pushover. You have to go by your instincts about her and how she is. It is possibly though that she's just so happy to see you that she gets overwhelmed, and she just has more fun at nursery.
If you're not convinced she's happy then you'll be twisted up all day.

Can you ask your employer for some time to find a new arrangement? Have you asked the CM if she has had any issues with any other children there?

worraliberty · 18/03/2011 12:39

I don't know Desperate some of the CMs on the school run speak to the kids like shit.

I told one Mum her CM had called her 5yr old DD a stupid fucking cow and yet the child is still in her care. According to the Mum, she can't find another CM who does the hours she wants Sad

Desperateforthinnerthighs · 18/03/2011 12:41

Worra I have to say... I had a friend who was a CM and the way she used to speak to her own kids....Shock ......she was secretly offended I didnt use her but bloody hell, talk about scary.

I guess I was just lucky, my CM was fabulous.....no, I certainly wouldnt use one who spoke to my DS like you just said, that is shocking and esp if the mum knows!!

stream · 18/03/2011 12:45

I'd do two things, I think.

Call in unexpectedly, see if your dd's happy.

Ask a friend to observe CM's interaction with dd when they're out on a trip somewhere.

Rather than the CM, there might be a problem between one of the other kids and your dd.

Original poster
LittlePickleHead · 18/03/2011 13:10

Eric that is reassuring with the 2 nursery arrangement - there are actually nurseries near us that can do ad hic days (though v expensive but worth it for peace of mind!)

jelly that may be one of the issues - the only other children the CM has at the moment are little babies, no children close to DDs age.

I am now panicking about what happens when I'm not there :( I mean how could I really know how she speaks to her? She is fine in front of us of course! I hope that isn't why DD doesn't like it, as it could just as easily be that she is more bored there, or misses her nursery friends.

I'd really like to see CM with my DD now but no idea how to do this without resorting to crazy stalker-ish means.

Or perhaps I just need to accept if I am considering going to these lengths there may be something wrong...

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