..to expect DH to make a decision about HIS dinner?

[erebus]

I am going out tonight. I am about to go to Asda to do the weekend shopping (with DS1 in tow, inset'ing). DS1 has asked for a family treat of Dominoes for dinner tomorrow evening which is fine (good behaviour bond!). So I messaged DH, which we do lots, to ask him what he'd like me to get for him and DSs 1&2 for dinner tonight.

'I don't mind'
'Ask DS1'
'Oh, whatever'.

There is a bit of back story here: DH enjoys doing the half weekly shop on Saturday mornings, crack of dawn, alone. Admittedly, it can take him a good 2 hours, and he can tend to buy 3 meals worth of stuff, on a whim, all of which needs to be eaten within 48 hours... but heigh-ho, at least he's doing it, and I'd never get to go grocery shopping alone if a DS was 'available' to come...BUT thing is, I am always the one expected to decide what we'll eat. DH hands me the shopping list, in bed, to compile. Bear in mind, he's the one who makes the packed lunches for the boys (2 days a week) and pours their cereal out, he's the one who drinks the exotic juices he buys, the exotic yogurts he eats and the endless snacks he takes to work, yet I'm the one expected to know what we're out of in those areas!

I have tried to instigate the 'I decide (and MAKE!) all the dinners all week, YOU can do Saturday night's dinner' (bear in mind this is a bloke who could and did put together, from scratch, a damn good Thai fish curry when we met! He's 50 now...), but DH will say, 'OK, what do you want?'. I want for you to make the bloody decision, buy the food, and cook it. One day a week! And NOT spaghetti bolognese, either. You can do better than that.

Rant over.

PS I have every intention of buying and making everyone's dinner tonight, I just don't see why I should be deciding what it's to be when I won't be eating it!

I think it's annoying you cos you think you've successfully removed the task from your list and your brain, but yuo're actually still having to think about it.

Tbh, I dunno if I think YABU or not, cos it sounds like he does loads... If my dh ever did a week's food shopping I think we would need a national holiday to celebrate. BUT that's cos our deal is that I do food, he does washing up.

Just get him a pizza!! He obviously doesn't mind

oh god, there is little more annoying than someone who won't make a decision!

It drives me up the pigging wall. It's so weak and feeble to be unable or unwilling to make a decision.

it's also quite passive agressive - in the case of my mother

Totally understand your frustration erebus - my DH's stock response to the question, 'what do you fancy for dinner?' is ALWAYS, 'Jacket potatoes'. Never mind if that's what we had the night before...

Wish mine would be as decisive as to actually STATE a preference! And yes, it'd be pizza except I have to consider the DSs' health. Now and the is fine, but not nightly!

I am interested in the remark that DH 'does loads'. I always think it's entirely depends of how you run your lives. DH's job is 9-5, so leaves home at 8.20, back at 5.30. He brings in an adequate but not stunning wage (NHS middle manger). I work 20 hours a week inc 2 evenings I get home at 6.15pm. My hourly rate is a bit less than his. I make the point about our hours and pay as if he were earning mega-buck, the balance would be different. He'd probably also be away from home loads, be bringing work home all the time, be highly stressed. But I'd have a housekeeper! So I wouldn't therefore expect him to do that much around the house.

I do all the washing, hanging, ironing, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, WC and bathroom cleaning, tidying, bed-making, ie all the housework. I do all teh gardening bar lawn mowing. I do the child-management, homework supervision, bathtime. I also do about half of the weekly shop (hence today). He will load and unload the dishwasher if it needs doing. So his contribution is welcome but hardly 'loads'!

Ok, I guess my does loads comment was said in relation to what mine does, within the particular household policy area of food shopping and cooking, and was not accurate in the wider picture.

Is it that you feel that you are doing so much more than him that's actually pissing you off? Cos I know that's what usually pisses me off when I start finding something kind of trivial highly irritating...

If I had a stronger evil streak in me I would probably try buying something totally absurd, like a whole cabbage, put it on the plate and then point out that unless he tells you what he wants, this is what he'll get

Lol re the cabbage!

No, I don't often think I'm doing way more than my share, given that I am home 2 days a week, but I wish DH would just come up with an idea now and then about what we could have for dinner- better still, surprise me of a Saturday night with something he'd thought about, bought for and made!

I must say though I can feel a bit aggrieved when I'm spending Saturday morning washing, ironing, hanging out- and he's arsing around on here, like I am now! I do have to remind myself that it's his 'free time'- it's just that that bit doesn't coincide with mine all the time!

YANBU. I hate indecision! I have 2 suggestions.

1. Write a weekly meal plan together.
2. Have a running shopping list somewhere (on the fridge?) and tell him that if he finishes something up, or has nearly finished it, then he has to write it on there. Otherwise it doesn't get bought.

Strategy 1 has been v sucessful in our house. Strategy 2 less so.

"Whatever", "Don't mind".
Often heard but rarely meant.
Make your own tea, then!

Answers might just have the answer. . .
OH was a bugger for this but I'd then get the 'Oh I fancied X,Y,Z'
But I asked you what you wanted. .

Since I've been ill, I've taken him at his word, so last week went, Me: what do you want for supper?
Whatever, what do you you want?
Me: I don't fancy anything what do you want?
Whatever you want
Me: are you listening? I don't fancy anything, what do YOU want for dinner.
Hour later I'm sat on sofa with some water, wanders in whens dinner?
I hand him a glass of water, get a whats this, My answer, well this is what I fancied for dinner. Sadly he didn't learn from this, so this week hes had a glass of water, a half slice of toast, nothing, a glass of juice.
Well thats not all he's had clearly, but I think he's getting the idea, and due to his forraging in the kitchen he now knows where the pasta lives and the big sliver box holds more than just coke and chocolate.

My DH also does the shop alone! He also buys a lot of crap healthy treaty foods...like smoked salmon, fancy cheese and weird sausages.

The complains we've no food...and why is there only rice and one carrot for the DCs dinner!

I now do a basics shop...meat, fruit, veg.

He does the rest and I make him a list...dry goods, dairy, washing and cleaning stuff.

I just get the meat and veg from our local buthcer and grocer.

I'm pretty much with you, erebus. We have the same conversations. I cook most nights. I don't like cooking, I'm not very good, but I'm better than he is and it's part of the package deal with dividing out work, child care, household chores etc. Sometimes, I ask him to cook instead. I hate thinking about meals and planning them more than I hate cooking them -at least once I know what I'm doing, I can just get on with it. So he agrees to cook. And then asks me what i want. 'I don't care. I just don't want to think about it.' 'But what do you fancy?' 'Darling, tonight I fancy not cooking, or thinking about cooking. Just cook me something.' He's only got a repertoire of 3 meals anyway - it's hardly going to come as a huge and unwelcome shock to me when the food arrives!! And we had exactly the same conversation when I went out last night and left him to feed himself (having already fed dd before I left). 'But what can I eat?' I don't care - I'm eating out, I just don't want to think about food until I see a menu!!!
And as for 'Did you get any more peanut butter?', well!!
Do I eat it? No.
Do you know this? Yes.
Did you tell me you'd finished it? No.
Did you put an empty jar back in the cupboard? Yes.
So did I buy any more? No.
So will some have magically grown in the jar, or will it if you stare in an unhappy and disappinted manner at the jar? No.
Hmm, how do we fix this little problem then????!

Aye, well. At least he is good at DIY!!!

Solution to problem:

Get some cookery books/receipe magazines, find a time when both of you can BOTH sit down and read read them. Choose what you would like to eat for the next week - I make my DH choose 3 out of 7 meals. Make list of ingredients. Go shopping.

Works every time. Costs less. Result.

erebus/babybythesea I could have written your post word by word.
fuck it does my head in.
Also my DH expects the shopping list IN ORDER.

Yanbu. My dh is like this with cooking and a picky eater. I just don't ask him what he wants anymore, we have a shopping list on a noticeboard in the kitchen and both write stuff on it. I online shop each week and it gives you 24 hours before delivery to amend /add to the order, so I tell him to add stuff.

Then I just cook something each night and if he chooses not to eat it he gets his own tea! And cannot moan if something isn't in the house.

Sounds like you have a wider issue with division of household work OP.